Episode 31

‘You know what, you should wear a saree!’, Anitha shouts at me from the aisle at the boutique store we found based on Ishitha, the talented jewelry designer’s recommendation. The boutique was run by a couple, an elegant tall lady in a crisp but still elegant kind of bottle-green cotton saree, a traditional Indian style bun, matching wooden accessories, a round red bindi on her forehead and a new definition of Indian-chic. The woman was pretty and carried herself too well. Her husband maybe an inch or two shorter and very very charming in a white linen shirt and jeans with an almost bald kind of closely cut hair.

I was wearing jeans a kurti and flip flops and felt like going into hiding, Anitha was wearing a kalamkari skirt, matching top and kinda fit in.

We are shopping for Karthik’s award event and we decided we should buy an elegant and classy salwar-churidhar and have been browsing every evening for three days now. I decided on salwar because Karthik’s parents might be there and they would definitely not be impressed with me and there is no need for me to further down my impression-quotient going pro-western in attire. Besides, I always look much much better in Indian clothing or so I have been told repeatedly by my parents which could be because they wanted to see me in them often.

It has been three days since I told Karthik I needed time and since he told me he was in love with me. As one would expect, Karthik has been avoiding me. But not as one would expect, he has been doing this by hanging out with me and the gang and even with Bala when he panicked and called me when he wasn’t able to come up with anything for the next BLANK group meet. This was entirely infuriating because, Karthik hung out with me while giving me time and more importantly space. He hung out with me as a friend. Now, I am a girl who appreciates friendship. I miss my friend Swathi who moved to the U.S even today, after two years. I love that Anitha and I and even Naren, Vivek and Aditya are all friends. But with Karthik, whenever he is friendly, I want to strangle him. He has been perfectly understanding, never hanging back so that we could have even five minutes of alone time but being there and being supportive and even sharing dinner with me (with the gang and yesterday Bala, ofcourse). He also told me, in front of everyone, he told his parents that I was coming for the award show as well, but when I asked details about it, he calmly told me with a smile that a parent reserves for a naughty kid that he will let me know when I am done having time and space (again in front of the gang and Bala), which was embarrassing and infuriating. As a result, if I wanted to have time to do some thinking and get my head all cleared up, I haven’t been able to do that.

As if this isn’t already infuriating, he invited me and Anitha to his award party yesterday again in a very friendly and cordial manner. I have no problem with him inviting Anitha. In fact I don’t know why he did, but I would be entirely glad for her presence given the fact that I would be meeting his parents, the parents who have probably declared me as an enemy. But he invited me along with her, as if he hadn’t already asked me to come and as if it is all the same for him. Anitha, of course, agreed to come because the woman still champions his cause. I don’t know why everyone behaves like I am going to break up with him. I am just getting over my doubts, if I couldn’t.. well, I don’t want to think about that right now. Karthik of course kept his promise now and like he declared, he wouldn’t let me get over him being absent by being more absent, which apparently he followed to the letter but doesn’t care about its spirit.  So I tried being all whatever. But seriously? I am furious.

‘You should really tell me what you are looking for, I could help’, the elegant lady comes towards us.

She offered help but we brushed her off but it was a boutique shop and not everything was on display.

‘We are looking for something that would impress her boyfriend and the parents. We were seeing something elegant, like a salwar, in cream, peach, gold or peach, crimson and white or gold and cream or beige with any color flattering on her or…’,

Anitha keeps adding, reading from my phone where I made a list of colors I wanted.

‘For her?’, the lady asks pointing at me with an elegant twist of her hand. We both nod.

‘Nice choice of colors, is it for the evening and may I ask what the occasion is?’

Thus begins our shopping there. We decide on a saree because the boutique-lady feels I have the perfect figure for one. I soon am the owner of a saree of one of most flattering shades and fabric and I literally squeal when I hear that she tailored blouses within a week(although at a rate that brought my bank balance dangerously close to bankrupt) and she also sold accessories which went with the saree as well, so basically I blew out a lot of money for one night and felt very guilty about it. All I need is a bag or a clutch to go with this, I am pretty sure I have shoes that go with my saree. Between Anitha and me, we might already have something that might work too.

Anitha, not willing to be outdone bought a gorgeous salwar-kameez in a rich cotton which was this beautiful shade of orangish coral which wasn’t too bright with very mild golden edges that looked absolutely flattering on her fairer complexion, literally bringing on a shine to her. I wish I had bought that one, but my saree is what I want it to be, elegant and classy. It is a glossy and shiny looking silk saree (of the non-traditional, imported silk variety) in a cream with a golden sheen kind of vague color which looks a very lighter champagne depending on how the light catches it but not as pale, more of a burnished color (according to Anitha), with a border of bronze embroidery and a thin line of blood-red peeping between the bronze of the border and the golden cream/off-white/non-pale light champagne of the saree. The blouse is mostly bronze with red peeking through here and there, the blouse is embroidered to perfection and beyond and is going to be the show stealer. The saree is just lush, lush to look at, lush to the touch and just so clean and simple and elegant looking and according to Anitha and the boutique-lady, flattering and sexy even. Yayy, but whatever.

I call up Ishitha, thank her, because that shop is a brilliant find. It is almost eight in the night and we head home and I prepare myself, as I might yet again spend time with the ever-so-friendly Karthik.

I sigh.

‘Karthik is it?’, Anitha asks, reading my mind. I nod. She laughs.

‘You guy are so entertaining. Him being all friendly, you trying to stand it when you want more but asked for time. Who would have thought would irritate you?’

She laughs some more. I glare at her.

‘It was all Karthik is so bossy. Karthik is soooo what was that? Ya, overgrown-apey, soo possessive to Karthik is sooooo friendly­­’, she laughs, making friendly sound very un-friendly.

‘Karthik has never been just a friend to me, I am allowed to be irritated.’, I mutter. She laughs more.

We reach home, refresh, put our day’s spoils away. I was right, I do have a pair of bronze sandals that would perfectly go with the saree. It is full bronze with one thin strap across right below my toes with stones on it and another one around my ankles but without stones and has a two-inch slim heel. It does not have high heels as I would have liked, but that is fine, walking in a saree is an ordeal in itself.

­

Anitha does have a clutch that goes with my saree. So, just brilliant. Anitha invites the tall-trio over for dinner and only Naren joins us. Aditya and Vivek have other plans.

She makes coconut chutney and later we will make dosas when ready to have dinner. So far, no sign of Karthik. So far, so good. Maybe his avoidance strategies have merit.

When Naren arrives I chat with him a couple of minutes and leave them to be to go to the bed room so that we can all have some privacy. These days like all days since Karthik behaved like an idiot, all I do is think about him and us whenever I have even just few minutes of time. It’s like a background job running in my brain and I am pretty sure my stress levels must be high given that thinking about him is scary.

Bottom line is that, there is nothing confusing about this whole thing. I am in love with Karthik and quite in there, like really deep. Given that he is the only person I have been in love with and still I am, I find it really scary that right now, at this point, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for him and there isn’t much I wouldn’t forgive. Actually, there is nothing that I wouldn’t forgive, except maybe cheating on me which I am pretty sure he wouldn’t do, but wait, if he did cheat and really felt bad about it and still proved he loved me? Maybe I might forgive that too. See? Right there. This has me running in circles. I don’t want to be the person who would forgive him anything. That is just stupid. I sigh. Deeply. I realize that as much as I am in love, I am in deep shit if I am ready to lose self-respect.

There should be a line and I need to identify it and be aware of its presence, I might not tow it, but I need to have a line. The prospect of anything goes is too much and I am not okay with that concept. Okay, I am okay with the concept for me as in things that I want to do. But, I am not okay with it when it is being done to me.

‘Hey’, Anitha calls me her head peeking through the doorway.

‘Yeah?’

‘Dinner? Also, Karthik is here’

‘He is here?’

‘Ya, got here some five mins back?’

‘He didn’t ask about me?’

‘He did. I told him you are in the room and he was okay with it.’.

Arrgh! See? Infuriating.

I take a book from the small bedside table and hit my forehead with it.

Anitha laughs.

‘Pri… Dinner? If you come out you can meet him too..’

‘This isn’t funny.’

‘It is. Not only for us. I am pretty sure Karthik finds it funny too!’

‘If he finds it funny, I am going to kill him!’

I can hear Karthik saying something from the hall and Anitha chuckles back in response. That’s it. I am done.

I rush out of the room to find Karthik smiling and Naren trying not to smile.

‘Karthik! What are you doing here?’, I sound really pissed off.

‘It is dinner time. I have a standing invitation here’, Karthik says, his smile changing to a grin. You have to know this smile or grin have no effect on me.

‘Or even our place’, Naren puts in, still trying not to smile.

I narrow my eyes at Naren.

‘Okay, okay. Anitha, let’s go make dosas.’, he says, gets up and walks away, dragging Anitha who was standing next to me with him.

‘You look tired Pri.’

Well I haven’t been sleeping.

‘What are you doing here?’

‘Are you saying I should leave?’

Am I saying that? I don’t know. I sigh.

‘Karthik. What are we doing here Karthik?’, I sound panicked.

He gets up from the sofa walks towards me and stops at a distance where I have to stretch to touch him.

‘You sound panicked’.

Yup.

‘Well, I am.’

‘What do you want me to do?’, he asks sounding sincere.

I sigh again.

‘Why are you acting like this?’

‘Like what?’

‘Like I am just another friend’

‘You wanted time and space.’

‘So you are just gonna sit here when you know I am in the other room? Probably worrying my head about us?’

‘Well, I know you were here and you needed to think. You have ensured that you are never alone. You have been so busy for the last three days. Looks to me that you are too busy because you don’t want to think. Probably because you panic when you do. Which you always do when it comes to us. But since I am giving you time and I don’t know how long that is, I am here, waiting. But looks like you don’t know how long too, which I can understand. I have patience. I mean, I need patience. You are a very very indecisive person. I could help you, but you won’t let me. Also, you need to figure it out by yourself. So I am just enabling it. I am enabling it by telling you, I will keep the one promise I made you that I would never disappear or go silent. I broke it once. I am not going to do it again, even if you want me to.’

Wow! Quite a speech! He also gets me, completely.

‘I don’t think I can ever be just friends with you. That is the stupidest thing ever.’, I say, sounding calmed. Damn. He helped. Again.

‘I know. It is not easy. But it has helped me. I knew after a day of treating you as a friend that I definitely want to spend my life with you. I told my parents on that thought.’

Shit. On both accounts. He is sure he wants to spend his life? He told his parents on that thought?

‘What did they say?’, I have asked it a couple of times, he never told me. I try again.

‘They think I am crazy. They have apparently seen another girl and want me to meet her before I make a final decision’, he says and shakes his head.

The shock of the statement steals through me slowly, because the thought that he has to make a final decision, after meeting a girl is just impossible. It is worse than I thought.

‘And?’

‘I told them that is not needed. I explained why you did what you did. They think you are not suitable for our family after that, unfortunately’, he pauses to sigh.

‘They think a woman should not be so impulsive and make decisions thinking just for her. I don’t agree. But that is what they think.’, he says it in a no-nonsense-voice, straight out.

Brilliant. It just got worse.

‘I also told them you will be at the award ceremony. That they can talk to you or if they wanted to meet you, I would bring you by and they can talk. They just declared I shouldn’t invite you and when I told I already did, they said I am depriving them of the opportunity of enjoying their only son’s achievement’.

Wow. His parents were dramatic.

‘I am sorry’, I say, guilt eating at me.

‘For what?’

‘For all this. Unnecessary drama, if you think about it.’

He shakes his head.

‘Things happen. I am glad they did. Happy. So don’t apologize for it. Not to me.’

He still stands those couple of feet away.

‘You love me?’, I ask him. I heard it only once.

‘Priya….’, he says shaking his head, smiling a little all of a sudden. This smile affects me.

I don’t say anything, I just look at him.

‘Yes. I do.’, he says.

Okay then. I fight the panic and elation, both blooming at the same time.

‘You have got to know something. I am panicking because….’, I struggle to vocalize what I am feeling. I want to tell him that I would do anything for him and let him do anything and get away with it and make it sound like a huge problem and not a declaration. I take a deep breathe.

‘It’s okay Pri. You tell me whatever it is you want to tell me, when you can say it without panicking’.

He takes a small step towards me.

‘It scares me to meet your parents, as it should, your parents are formidable, but I am coming to your award presentation thing. I bought a saree to impress them. I don’t think it is going to help is it?’

He chuckles.

‘Probably won’t help. They already think you are not suitable for the family. You wearing a saree isn’t going to help.’

Well, he has no future in politics with that kind of open talk.

I just remain silent.

‘You need more time?’

‘I believe you. I already forgave you. Me needing time is not about you, you know’

He takes another step towards me. But still makes no contact.

‘So what do you want me to do?’

‘I just told you it isn’t about you’

‘It is about us right?’

‘Maybe, partially yes’

‘So what do you want me to do?’

I look up at him, looking into his eyes after what seems like many many days.

‘You can stop being friendly’

‘But I like you, you want me to be unfriendly?’, he jokes, chuckling at his own lame joke.

‘You know what I mean’.

‘I know’, he says but still makes no contact.

‘You are so annoying.’

‘I want to be, if you saw your reaction, you would understand’, he smiles.

Arrrgh. I take the last step towards him, my arms go around him and I rest my head on his chest, probably near his heart which incidentally is beating faster than normal.

At least that is something. I don’t point it out though, I let him hold his outwardly calm demeanor. I am exploring my options still. I need to be political, if I decided that is a route I should take.

‘What if your parents don’t like me? At all? Your mom is small, but scary’.

He chuckles.

‘I am their only son. They love me. They will love you too’

Wow. Really? Does he think that is how the world works? Does he know anything about Indian families? Man, he is jaded. It is my problem though and I need to tackle this on my own. I just bury my face into his chest now and hold on.

‘I am sure Anitha and Naren have made dosas to feed all of us and not just for dinner’, he says.

I nod and look up at him moving away and we move towards the kitchen.

‘So are you still coming for the next meeting of the group?’

‘Yes, of course.’, he says smiling.

Damn.