Episode 31

‘You know what, you should wear a saree!’, Anitha shouts at me from the aisle at the boutique store we found based on Ishitha, the talented jewelry designer’s recommendation. The boutique was run by a couple, an elegant tall lady in a crisp but still elegant kind of bottle-green cotton saree, a traditional Indian style bun, matching wooden accessories, a round red bindi on her forehead and a new definition of Indian-chic. The woman was pretty and carried herself too well. Her husband maybe an inch or two shorter and very very charming in a white linen shirt and jeans with an almost bald kind of closely cut hair.

I was wearing jeans a kurti and flip flops and felt like going into hiding, Anitha was wearing a kalamkari skirt, matching top and kinda fit in.

We are shopping for Karthik’s award event and we decided we should buy an elegant and classy salwar-churidhar and have been browsing every evening for three days now. I decided on salwar because Karthik’s parents might be there and they would definitely not be impressed with me and there is no need for me to further down my impression-quotient going pro-western in attire. Besides, I always look much much better in Indian clothing or so I have been told repeatedly by my parents which could be because they wanted to see me in them often.

It has been three days since I told Karthik I needed time and since he told me he was in love with me. As one would expect, Karthik has been avoiding me. But not as one would expect, he has been doing this by hanging out with me and the gang and even with Bala when he panicked and called me when he wasn’t able to come up with anything for the next BLANK group meet. This was entirely infuriating because, Karthik hung out with me while giving me time and more importantly space. He hung out with me as a friend. Now, I am a girl who appreciates friendship. I miss my friend Swathi who moved to the U.S even today, after two years. I love that Anitha and I and even Naren, Vivek and Aditya are all friends. But with Karthik, whenever he is friendly, I want to strangle him. He has been perfectly understanding, never hanging back so that we could have even five minutes of alone time but being there and being supportive and even sharing dinner with me (with the gang and yesterday Bala, ofcourse). He also told me, in front of everyone, he told his parents that I was coming for the award show as well, but when I asked details about it, he calmly told me with a smile that a parent reserves for a naughty kid that he will let me know when I am done having time and space (again in front of the gang and Bala), which was embarrassing and infuriating. As a result, if I wanted to have time to do some thinking and get my head all cleared up, I haven’t been able to do that.

As if this isn’t already infuriating, he invited me and Anitha to his award party yesterday again in a very friendly and cordial manner. I have no problem with him inviting Anitha. In fact I don’t know why he did, but I would be entirely glad for her presence given the fact that I would be meeting his parents, the parents who have probably declared me as an enemy. But he invited me along with her, as if he hadn’t already asked me to come and as if it is all the same for him. Anitha, of course, agreed to come because the woman still champions his cause. I don’t know why everyone behaves like I am going to break up with him. I am just getting over my doubts, if I couldn’t.. well, I don’t want to think about that right now. Karthik of course kept his promise now and like he declared, he wouldn’t let me get over him being absent by being more absent, which apparently he followed to the letter but doesn’t care about its spirit.  So I tried being all whatever. But seriously? I am furious.

‘You should really tell me what you are looking for, I could help’, the elegant lady comes towards us.

She offered help but we brushed her off but it was a boutique shop and not everything was on display.

‘We are looking for something that would impress her boyfriend and the parents. We were seeing something elegant, like a salwar, in cream, peach, gold or peach, crimson and white or gold and cream or beige with any color flattering on her or…’,

Anitha keeps adding, reading from my phone where I made a list of colors I wanted.

‘For her?’, the lady asks pointing at me with an elegant twist of her hand. We both nod.

‘Nice choice of colors, is it for the evening and may I ask what the occasion is?’

Thus begins our shopping there. We decide on a saree because the boutique-lady feels I have the perfect figure for one. I soon am the owner of a saree of one of most flattering shades and fabric and I literally squeal when I hear that she tailored blouses within a week(although at a rate that brought my bank balance dangerously close to bankrupt) and she also sold accessories which went with the saree as well, so basically I blew out a lot of money for one night and felt very guilty about it. All I need is a bag or a clutch to go with this, I am pretty sure I have shoes that go with my saree. Between Anitha and me, we might already have something that might work too.

Anitha, not willing to be outdone bought a gorgeous salwar-kameez in a rich cotton which was this beautiful shade of orangish coral which wasn’t too bright with very mild golden edges that looked absolutely flattering on her fairer complexion, literally bringing on a shine to her. I wish I had bought that one, but my saree is what I want it to be, elegant and classy. It is a glossy and shiny looking silk saree (of the non-traditional, imported silk variety) in a cream with a golden sheen kind of vague color which looks a very lighter champagne depending on how the light catches it but not as pale, more of a burnished color (according to Anitha), with a border of bronze embroidery and a thin line of blood-red peeping between the bronze of the border and the golden cream/off-white/non-pale light champagne of the saree. The blouse is mostly bronze with red peeking through here and there, the blouse is embroidered to perfection and beyond and is going to be the show stealer. The saree is just lush, lush to look at, lush to the touch and just so clean and simple and elegant looking and according to Anitha and the boutique-lady, flattering and sexy even. Yayy, but whatever.

I call up Ishitha, thank her, because that shop is a brilliant find. It is almost eight in the night and we head home and I prepare myself, as I might yet again spend time with the ever-so-friendly Karthik.

I sigh.

‘Karthik is it?’, Anitha asks, reading my mind. I nod. She laughs.

‘You guy are so entertaining. Him being all friendly, you trying to stand it when you want more but asked for time. Who would have thought would irritate you?’

She laughs some more. I glare at her.

‘It was all Karthik is so bossy. Karthik is soooo what was that? Ya, overgrown-apey, soo possessive to Karthik is sooooo friendly­­’, she laughs, making friendly sound very un-friendly.

‘Karthik has never been just a friend to me, I am allowed to be irritated.’, I mutter. She laughs more.

We reach home, refresh, put our day’s spoils away. I was right, I do have a pair of bronze sandals that would perfectly go with the saree. It is full bronze with one thin strap across right below my toes with stones on it and another one around my ankles but without stones and has a two-inch slim heel. It does not have high heels as I would have liked, but that is fine, walking in a saree is an ordeal in itself.

­

Anitha does have a clutch that goes with my saree. So, just brilliant. Anitha invites the tall-trio over for dinner and only Naren joins us. Aditya and Vivek have other plans.

She makes coconut chutney and later we will make dosas when ready to have dinner. So far, no sign of Karthik. So far, so good. Maybe his avoidance strategies have merit.

When Naren arrives I chat with him a couple of minutes and leave them to be to go to the bed room so that we can all have some privacy. These days like all days since Karthik behaved like an idiot, all I do is think about him and us whenever I have even just few minutes of time. It’s like a background job running in my brain and I am pretty sure my stress levels must be high given that thinking about him is scary.

Bottom line is that, there is nothing confusing about this whole thing. I am in love with Karthik and quite in there, like really deep. Given that he is the only person I have been in love with and still I am, I find it really scary that right now, at this point, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for him and there isn’t much I wouldn’t forgive. Actually, there is nothing that I wouldn’t forgive, except maybe cheating on me which I am pretty sure he wouldn’t do, but wait, if he did cheat and really felt bad about it and still proved he loved me? Maybe I might forgive that too. See? Right there. This has me running in circles. I don’t want to be the person who would forgive him anything. That is just stupid. I sigh. Deeply. I realize that as much as I am in love, I am in deep shit if I am ready to lose self-respect.

There should be a line and I need to identify it and be aware of its presence, I might not tow it, but I need to have a line. The prospect of anything goes is too much and I am not okay with that concept. Okay, I am okay with the concept for me as in things that I want to do. But, I am not okay with it when it is being done to me.

‘Hey’, Anitha calls me her head peeking through the doorway.

‘Yeah?’

‘Dinner? Also, Karthik is here’

‘He is here?’

‘Ya, got here some five mins back?’

‘He didn’t ask about me?’

‘He did. I told him you are in the room and he was okay with it.’.

Arrgh! See? Infuriating.

I take a book from the small bedside table and hit my forehead with it.

Anitha laughs.

‘Pri… Dinner? If you come out you can meet him too..’

‘This isn’t funny.’

‘It is. Not only for us. I am pretty sure Karthik finds it funny too!’

‘If he finds it funny, I am going to kill him!’

I can hear Karthik saying something from the hall and Anitha chuckles back in response. That’s it. I am done.

I rush out of the room to find Karthik smiling and Naren trying not to smile.

‘Karthik! What are you doing here?’, I sound really pissed off.

‘It is dinner time. I have a standing invitation here’, Karthik says, his smile changing to a grin. You have to know this smile or grin have no effect on me.

‘Or even our place’, Naren puts in, still trying not to smile.

I narrow my eyes at Naren.

‘Okay, okay. Anitha, let’s go make dosas.’, he says, gets up and walks away, dragging Anitha who was standing next to me with him.

‘You look tired Pri.’

Well I haven’t been sleeping.

‘What are you doing here?’

‘Are you saying I should leave?’

Am I saying that? I don’t know. I sigh.

‘Karthik. What are we doing here Karthik?’, I sound panicked.

He gets up from the sofa walks towards me and stops at a distance where I have to stretch to touch him.

‘You sound panicked’.

Yup.

‘Well, I am.’

‘What do you want me to do?’, he asks sounding sincere.

I sigh again.

‘Why are you acting like this?’

‘Like what?’

‘Like I am just another friend’

‘You wanted time and space.’

‘So you are just gonna sit here when you know I am in the other room? Probably worrying my head about us?’

‘Well, I know you were here and you needed to think. You have ensured that you are never alone. You have been so busy for the last three days. Looks to me that you are too busy because you don’t want to think. Probably because you panic when you do. Which you always do when it comes to us. But since I am giving you time and I don’t know how long that is, I am here, waiting. But looks like you don’t know how long too, which I can understand. I have patience. I mean, I need patience. You are a very very indecisive person. I could help you, but you won’t let me. Also, you need to figure it out by yourself. So I am just enabling it. I am enabling it by telling you, I will keep the one promise I made you that I would never disappear or go silent. I broke it once. I am not going to do it again, even if you want me to.’

Wow! Quite a speech! He also gets me, completely.

‘I don’t think I can ever be just friends with you. That is the stupidest thing ever.’, I say, sounding calmed. Damn. He helped. Again.

‘I know. It is not easy. But it has helped me. I knew after a day of treating you as a friend that I definitely want to spend my life with you. I told my parents on that thought.’

Shit. On both accounts. He is sure he wants to spend his life? He told his parents on that thought?

‘What did they say?’, I have asked it a couple of times, he never told me. I try again.

‘They think I am crazy. They have apparently seen another girl and want me to meet her before I make a final decision’, he says and shakes his head.

The shock of the statement steals through me slowly, because the thought that he has to make a final decision, after meeting a girl is just impossible. It is worse than I thought.

‘And?’

‘I told them that is not needed. I explained why you did what you did. They think you are not suitable for our family after that, unfortunately’, he pauses to sigh.

‘They think a woman should not be so impulsive and make decisions thinking just for her. I don’t agree. But that is what they think.’, he says it in a no-nonsense-voice, straight out.

Brilliant. It just got worse.

‘I also told them you will be at the award ceremony. That they can talk to you or if they wanted to meet you, I would bring you by and they can talk. They just declared I shouldn’t invite you and when I told I already did, they said I am depriving them of the opportunity of enjoying their only son’s achievement’.

Wow. His parents were dramatic.

‘I am sorry’, I say, guilt eating at me.

‘For what?’

‘For all this. Unnecessary drama, if you think about it.’

He shakes his head.

‘Things happen. I am glad they did. Happy. So don’t apologize for it. Not to me.’

He still stands those couple of feet away.

‘You love me?’, I ask him. I heard it only once.

‘Priya….’, he says shaking his head, smiling a little all of a sudden. This smile affects me.

I don’t say anything, I just look at him.

‘Yes. I do.’, he says.

Okay then. I fight the panic and elation, both blooming at the same time.

‘You have got to know something. I am panicking because….’, I struggle to vocalize what I am feeling. I want to tell him that I would do anything for him and let him do anything and get away with it and make it sound like a huge problem and not a declaration. I take a deep breathe.

‘It’s okay Pri. You tell me whatever it is you want to tell me, when you can say it without panicking’.

He takes a small step towards me.

‘It scares me to meet your parents, as it should, your parents are formidable, but I am coming to your award presentation thing. I bought a saree to impress them. I don’t think it is going to help is it?’

He chuckles.

‘Probably won’t help. They already think you are not suitable for the family. You wearing a saree isn’t going to help.’

Well, he has no future in politics with that kind of open talk.

I just remain silent.

‘You need more time?’

‘I believe you. I already forgave you. Me needing time is not about you, you know’

He takes another step towards me. But still makes no contact.

‘So what do you want me to do?’

‘I just told you it isn’t about you’

‘It is about us right?’

‘Maybe, partially yes’

‘So what do you want me to do?’

I look up at him, looking into his eyes after what seems like many many days.

‘You can stop being friendly’

‘But I like you, you want me to be unfriendly?’, he jokes, chuckling at his own lame joke.

‘You know what I mean’.

‘I know’, he says but still makes no contact.

‘You are so annoying.’

‘I want to be, if you saw your reaction, you would understand’, he smiles.

Arrrgh. I take the last step towards him, my arms go around him and I rest my head on his chest, probably near his heart which incidentally is beating faster than normal.

At least that is something. I don’t point it out though, I let him hold his outwardly calm demeanor. I am exploring my options still. I need to be political, if I decided that is a route I should take.

‘What if your parents don’t like me? At all? Your mom is small, but scary’.

He chuckles.

‘I am their only son. They love me. They will love you too’

Wow. Really? Does he think that is how the world works? Does he know anything about Indian families? Man, he is jaded. It is my problem though and I need to tackle this on my own. I just bury my face into his chest now and hold on.

‘I am sure Anitha and Naren have made dosas to feed all of us and not just for dinner’, he says.

I nod and look up at him moving away and we move towards the kitchen.

‘So are you still coming for the next meeting of the group?’

‘Yes, of course.’, he says smiling.

Damn.

Episode 30

‘So, you have this group and you didn’t tell us?’, asks Charu. Charu is someone who sits opposite me at work. She is always with her friend Sindhu, like always. They are roommates, from the same small town, studied together and had a lot of history. I did spend time with them occasionally, but not really into all the things they did together. At work, I am more of an individual contributor and don’t really belong to a team. So, I don’t really work with anyone except Shan, who is my manager.

‘Yup, I found an event in facebook and got to know that this is hosted by a group in that site and I browsed it and I get a suggestion for groups near where I live and there you are’, says Sindhu.

‘Seeing it is yours, we both joined the group.’, they both smiled looking at each other.

‘Great. Welcome to BLANK’. Really? Welcome to BLANK?

‘We will be there at the next meet.’, declares Charu.

‘She wants to see this guy Aravind. He has posted some activity and this rave review. Just cool. She will be there at annny cost’, Sindhu totally reveals the truth.

I laugh.

‘Aravind is fine, you should meet Bala ’, I do a bit of match-making.

‘Is he the one in the pictures?’, Sindhu asks, all interested.

Do I tell them the pictures there right now on the home page are fake? Naaaa.

‘Nope. These guys weren’t there in the first meet, I will update the home page’

Wow, this seems like a lot of work! Seeing as I was still feeling emotionally all over the place, I did not visit my group’s site.

‘So you come up with that description? We are all more than what we get to do. Man.. you are so right, it just spoke to us!’, she goes on seeing me nod.

Ishitha, the jewelry maker is coming over tonight with ideas to make our home page better. Apparently, Anitha and she hit it off.

I already got invites to attend some concert from Bala, which I had to politely decline. I might have enjoyed it. It was a local concert by some band from Anna University.

But now I keep wondering if he is hitting on me. I really did not do anything impressive and I am not as striking a personality as Anitha. But, sometimes you never know. Damn Karthik for influencing me.

‘See ya, then? We need to go for the daily status meeting’, Sindhu says and starts moving, followed by Charu with a wave.

Ahhh, being an ind-contr meant I needn’t attend these long-ass status meetings. Sometimes life is good.

I look up and I catch Shan’s eye. He smirk-smiles as ever while he crosses my desk on the way to his. I smile back. That brings us back.

Men suck. When I made a mistake, did I let it rest? I called, I texted and I did what not to get Karthik to talk to me. It has been almost two days since the incident, but he hasn’t attempted to make contact of any form. Yep, men totally suck.

When you get that philosophical, there is only one place that gets you as you are. It is the ecard website. I waste company’s internet and search for ecards that reflect my mood. It is very soothing to know there are lot of people who went through this or worse.

My first share on facebook – ‘Men suck, Vodka doesn’t’. I have all my relatives in a different list and I block this post for them for obvious reasons. Whaddya know, four likes almost immediately.

The next one was extreme, funny, but right on target – ‘We had religious differences. He thought he was God. I didn’t agree’.

Then, even though I cannot listen songs on my company’s internet, as they wisely blocked these things, I go and share Maroon 5’s eternal song ‘This Love’, although the situation isn’t that extreme if I do say so myself.

There, that makes me feel slightly better.

I fix bugs, unit test them and run automation suites all the while listening to ‘This Love’ on a loop on my phone. Such is my dedication to work.

I head home in my shuttle. I see Anand and get reminded of the day Karthik acted all overgrown-ape-y when he saw me flirting with him, which I might or might not have. I give Anand a wide smile because I am still pissed off, I know it is immature, but mehh. He winks at me as he always does and turns away to talk to a guy.

I go home, refresh, drink Anitha’s healthy cucumber and lime water which isn’t chocolate but is very refreshing. I check my phone. Lot of people have expressed concerns over my ecard shares. There isn’t any communication from the accused though.

Anitha and Ishitha arrive in sometime.  

‘Are you alright?’, Anitha asks.

‘I am good!’

‘Religious difference? Really?’, she chuckles.

‘It was funny and also right’

‘What’s up?’, Ishitha asks. She doesn’t sound whiny today. Hmmm.

Anitha tells her the deal.

‘Really? Men suck’, she agrees.

She opens her sling bag and pulls out a small paper bag.

‘I brought you guys these’, she says and takes out two bracelets. They are quite unique actually. The bracelets are both wooden or something that looks like cane furniture? They are both mustard yellow in color and has these entwining wooden or cane things and there are two tiny wooden charms hanging from near the clasp.

‘Wow’, Anitha and I exclaim together.

‘I just made the bracelets. The charms I bought of a shop. I don’t have the equipment to make wooden things of that small a size’., Ishitha says, self-consciously.

The woman can whine and complain as much she wants if she is going to be giving me unique things like that.

‘You are really talented. What are you doing here?’, I ask.

‘I am just beginning and I take way too much time. Those took two whole days for me to make. I also have no idea how to price them. I have issues with the finish, doesn’t look professional always. I have issues with the sturdiness too. I made some earrings for a shop nearby and I felt like I was robbed. I lost interest after that. I was really looking for something and then saw your page.’

Wow. I feel some weird pinchy feel around my heart area and I suppress it.

‘You had mentioned things like wanting to do more, searching for the right path and not knowing the way. It felt like something I was going through. Your group description is very touching.’

Ummm.. Wow again.

‘Oh wow. We should pay you or something. You took two days for that?’, Anitha still sounds stunned.

‘Don’t be silly. I tried this kind of work for the first time. I will be faster in these from now on’

‘So about your home page. It isn’t very eye-catching. Very basic. If I hadn’t had patience, I would have skipped your page.’

That is how we got to work. I also realized I am damn lucky to have attracted someone talented but still lost in her own way. I could have got someone totally useless or completely lost or someone clueless.

At the end of the two hours, where Anitha and Ishitha took over and remodeled my page. It is no more my page, rather our page. I had chosen a basic layout with shades of grays and blues in it. Now it rocked a custom layout with shades of orange and peach and certain earthy shades and a kickass background which Ishitha made a collage out of in like half hour right in front of us. It was a mish-mash of a lot of things. There were drums, saxophones, trumpets, long chandelier earrings, champagne flutes, microphones, books, motor cycles, food, chocolates, birds, berries, cars, post-cards, cameras, coffee cups and a lot of such things. Anitha and I selected the individual pictures and Ishitha made the collage like a pro. We also learned that she studied digital media and works for an advertising firm in what she declares is a very boring job as someone who makes images and such.

‘This is brilliant’, I say the god’s honest truth.

‘Totally cool’, Anitha agrees.

‘Ya, it’s alright’, Ishitha attempts being humble.

We burst out laughing. ‘Dude, it is brilliant’, I reiterate.

‘We should change the name shouldn’t we?’, I ask them.

‘What? No. The name isn’t very it, but it is catchy in a negative-publicity kind of way’, Ishitha says.

Who would have thought?

‘Are you sure?’, Anitha asks.

‘I joined the group and so did others and we actually came for a meet. Duh!’

‘Okay, you have a point’, Anitha concedes.

‘You know what you should do for the next week? Make some of these pieces and put out a stall.’, I say, pointing at those bracelets.

‘Yup. You should. I will be objective and help you price them.’, Anitha offers.

‘Are you sure? I mean…’

‘I am very sure. There are at least two more people joining the next meet’, I say.

‘Trust us’, adds Anitha.  ‘Two more?’, she asks turning to me.

‘Yup. Colleagues, they said they are joining’

‘Cool’

After a lot of coaxing, Ishitha agrees.

We decide to do dinner together and that ended up being fun too. Anitha goes off to drop Ishitha to the nearby local railway station in her scooter. I ask her to buy chocolate, the dark variety. She gives me a look that says we need to talk. I nod at her.

I decide to clean my wardrobe and start at it. I leave a playlist of songs on Youtube and let it play. My speakers are blaring with heavy metal and hard rock and I dump all my clothes on my bed in the hopes of sorting and arranging. Anything to keep me from obsessing from a certain someone.

After what seems like a loooong time, my phone rings. I get up, pause the music and answer the phone hurriedly as it is ringing like it has plans to make me deaf.

‘Hello’, I say into the phone, I have worked up a sweat and am breathing slightly heavily from all the sorting and arranging. I have too many clothes.

‘Open the door’, says the voice I have been wanting to hear all day.

‘I am sorry?’

‘I have been ringing your door bell and banging on the door for a long time. Would you open the door?’, he sounds agitated. Well hello to you too.

‘What are you doing here?’

‘Priya, open the door.’

‘Why are you here?’

‘I can call Anitha and ask her to come. She has a key too’, he warns. Did I expect him to fall on his knees in front of my door and apologize and beg?

‘Try that. I am pretty sure she will ask you to buzz off’

I hear complete silence.

‘Please’, I finally hear this one word breathed, an almost whisper.

Well damn and shoot me.

I am a total sucker when it comes to him. If anything, I have learned that in the last forty odd hours.

I sigh, hang up. I walk to the door and look through the peep-hole. Karthik is standing right in front looking at the area where the lock is. He isn’t on his knees.

I open the door. Double damn.

The man looks good. Even at the end of the day his clothes aren’t wrinkled. His long legs encased in dark navy blue trousers, black leather shoes, a gray full-sleeved shirt with some sort of textured detail, cuffs of which he has folded high on his lower arms, his chin sporting a heavier shadow than normal, his eyes only slightly blood shot. The man is attractive and if I weren’t lying to myself, I would admit, he even looks sexy. I didn’t sleep all night day before and only a little yesterday. I am wearing almost threadbare pajama bottoms with the tee-shirt I have been wearing since I came back home and they don’t go together, as I donned the bottoms before I started to clean my wardrobe. My hair is dirty and matted as I didn’t wash it today in spite of it being a Monday and I had not even combed it before piling it into a knot and securing it with a huge clip. I am sweaty and I am pretty sure I look like shit. This is completely unfair. This just affirms my lean towards atheism.

He just walks in and stands near the couch, leaning on it. Hasn’t said a word though, but has been looking at me, his face closed up.

‘Why did you come here?’, I ask him having waited a few minutes for him to say something.

He doesn’t answer. What is he playing at? Since I couldn’t tolerate the silence and I had a lot on my mind, I commence with the blubbering.

‘These last forty odd hours have been very eye-opening. You know. I came away from my home for doing something else with my life. I got distracted once you came. My mom is right. I saw you, I fell for you and I forgot all else, I easily lose focus. I saw all the warning sings. I ignored it. It was always too good to be true wasn’t it? You have been bossy and controlling right from the beginning, but I didn’t mind it. I don’t think that is going to work anymore. And I’m telling you right now. I am not giving up on the group.’

Ishitha proved to me that this is a good thing.

‘It is a good thing even though it started on a whim. I will work for it. I don’t want to hear anything from you about it. I left my parents to change my life, my parents who would do just about anything for my happiness. I am not going to let someone who is supposed to be a partner and a friend to…’, my voice breaks, so I stop. Well, he sure would have got the point.

‘Anyways, so I am not going to give it up so that you can feel… So as long as that is clear, we can have this conversation’.

What conversation though? The man hasn’t opened his mouth and isn’t showing anything in his face or his body language. He is an engineer, did they teach etiquette-with-a-pissed-off-girl-friend in masters?

‘Deepika is married now, I told you that. I didn’t tell you what it really did to my head’.

Another Deepika story? Right. I am allll ears. I cross my arms on my chest, cock my hip to a side and give a belligerent stance to communicate all that I feel about him bringing up his ex, again.

‘I also told you about the girl I saw after her. There was basically nothing wrong with her. She was beautiful, very caring, sweet’

Shit. Too many damns. I have to hear this now?

‘But… but I just couldn’t trust her. I hurt her because I couldn’t get over what happened to me! I realize that now!’

I always thought Karthik was this perfect, strong person. Why didn’t I realize everyone has their own difficulties? Own history? Why did I just decide he is what he projects? He is strong and perfect. But he is not unscathed.

‘I thought my head was in the right place. I decided I would never do that to another person ever. You.. You are so trusting. I am doing that to you too’.

I wanted to go to him. I understand. His broken sentences suddenly make sense. Also his asshole-remarks. But that is neither here nor there. Also, he was admitting this to me while he never admitted this to himself before. I need to process that separately.

‘I turned back that day when I was about to leave to tell you once again that I didn’t mean it, I saw you prepare yourself to hear what I am going to say and only at that point did I realize that I did not just anger you, I hurt you’.

He certainly did.

‘I am measuring you with a different scale. I am seeing you through tinted glasses that are tainted by one past mistake. I…’

What he tells me is he, a strong man, did not handle being left at that time, the effect of which is to be borne by me. Well, that explains things, but doesn’t make it any better. My heart goes out to his twenty-five year old self. I wonder what he might have been if he hadn’t met her. The way his mind seems to work, he might have suppressed whatever betrayal or sense of losing his worth he felt at that time. That seems to be boiling out whenever he is in a similar situation. What am I going to do? I have no experience with these kind of things.

‘Bottom line, I couldn’t stand if you... Well, you are the first person I really have trusted since..’

Oh. My. God.

‘You told me you think, I am perfect. I am not.’

Crap. I have enabled his macho tendencies for way too long. I probably look at him like he is the best thing to walk the earth. I have put incredible pressure on him looking at him and treating him like he is a hero and can do no wrong. I have put him up on a pedestal and expected way too much from him.

‘Priya’, he calls out. His voice is shaky. Damn. Shit. Something is happening here. I know I am going to remember this moment even if I get dementia.

‘Say something?’, his voice is still shaky.

I move to him. I realize he isn’t going to come right out and say sorry. But if he is going to do this, I don’t really need the words. I stand right in front of him. His hands move to me, hesitantly but once they reach me they go around me with confidence.

He takes a deep breath.

‘I haven’t completely fucked up, have I?’, wow, sweetest of apologies.

I shake my head. I was a sucker for him when I thought he was it. Now that I know we are equals, partners, I am still a sucker though.

His head drops to mine and he kisses my nose.

He moves his head away to my right ear.

‘I am in love with you. I don’t think the words are enough. I can’t imagine not caring for you.’, he says.

This. Just. Happened.

‘You are perfect’, he goes on.

I shake my head. I speak, my voice coming out with a lot of air.

‘Karthik.’

‘Yes?’.

I need to say this soon, before he makes this all go away. I could live with it now, but it will definitely be in the back of my mind. I understand. But do I trust?

‘I understand. I do. But you promised. You promised you would not just stop talking and that you would speak it out and all that. But, you did it again. I am not exactly sure what to do about this. I want to forgive you, I do. But, what if this is how it is going to be? We have a fight on something serious and you walk away.’

I did read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus in my teen years. But screw that. I needed him to keep his promises.

‘I will do better Priya. Tell me what I should do to convince you’, he says, his voice has become neutral again. Seriously though, does he think it is that simple?

‘I need time Karthik. I need to deal with this on my own. You cannot convince me. I’m sorry.’

Karthik’s face readjusts itself to match his voice, totally unreadable. I don’t like it. But, I just can’t deal with it now.

‘You have to understand Karthik’, I say, and the stupid pleading note enters my voice. I suck!

He nods. He steps closer, drops his head to me and plants his lips on my forehead.

‘I get it. I am going to be around though.’, he declares.

How is that giving me time?

‘I need time. This won’t help’

‘Priya, you want to deal with the fact that I was not around when I should have been. How am I supposed to let you deal with that without being around?’

Shit. Convoluted male logic.

‘Umm..’

‘I will see you tomorrow’, he says.

I nod.

‘Bye Priya’, he says but still stands there. I nod again.

He sighs. Then squeezes my left upper arm with his hand and walks away. He told me he is in love with me, I wish he had chosen a better time. But is that really always enough, I mean does it make all problems disappear?

That went well! I walk back to my room and get even more depressed seeing my bed full of clothes. Whatever is still folded I put it back in the wardrobe. The others I dump it into chairs and fall onto my bed with the amazing realization that life sucks but still you gotta arrange your wardrobe.

Episode 29

‘Can you please pass those chips?’, asks the guy with the coolest spectacles I have ever seen on a guy. Who knew spectacles can even be cool?

I pass the huge bag of chips on my side to him. We were on a small ground within the apartment premises. I had to ask advanced permission to use that place. This is the first official meeting of the BLANK group, you know, the group that I formed to attract like-minded people going through quarter life crisis? I mean, I had scheduled a meeting before, but only Anitha and I turned up, so we made it into an official selfie session, which we posted in the group’s homepage, which in turn helped in attracting new people. I also sneaked in a picture with Naren and Vivek, even though Vivek really isn’t a member(nor is Naren, but he signed up). This gave the impression that this is a fun group that does things that could be useful while being fun. There were more members and now there are actually six people in the meeting. Who knew a bunch of not-bad-looking people attracted more people?

Anitha is actually more involved in the group.  She has spoken to each and every one of them. There is this bespectacled guy with curly hair who is also the one who wanted more chips but looked like he works out. He came in with a boy-next-door kinda guy who was rocking the closest-crew cut I have seen on an adult and wasn’t entirely cool as his friend. There was a girl whose name was Ishitha (hence I remember her name, I mean, Ishitha? Who can forget that name?). She looked perpetually bored but spoke non-stop about her failed career, sinking relationship and a car that bailed on her, apparently she likes making jewelry and things. There was another girl who was short, round and too-enthusiastic and joined the group as she recognized Naren and Anitha and was from this neighborhood. Her name is Supriya, Supraja something.

There was another girl who hasn’t uttered more than saying hi to everyone and just looking at people one after the other, slightly creepy, but innocent, totally confusing the hell out of me.

Lastly, the best part of the meet, is this guy, the guy with lot of ideas. His name is Aravind and he looked like a genius and he thought my name of BLANK was genius, little did I explain him the origins of the name, he thought it symbolized our states of minds. He is tall, taller than even Karthik, so maybe more than six feet, lanky and has a contagious smile and a manner that put me at ease immediately, I mean, I was really skeptical on meeting a bunch of new guys. Okay, maybe I think he has great ideas because he thought BLANK is a genius name.

‘Here…’, I pass the bag of chips.

‘Balaji, call me Bala though’, he says, reminding me of his name yet another time. I smile. ‘Bala’, I repeat after him.

‘Bala, Aravind.’, I introduce.

‘Yup, we met’, Aravind smiles, a lot more inviting smile and I join him in the smile.

‘So, what are your interests Priya?’, Bala asks.

‘Priya is just exploring. She isn’t very sure’, Aravind answers for me. Hmmm.

‘So you guys know each other?’

‘No no. I just met her’. Right, I was just about to answer.

‘What about you Bala?’, I ask. It is my group after all.

‘I am in IT too. I like playing instruments. I play the guitar, keyboards and learning Sitar now’, yep, that explained the cool.

‘That’s nice. So what brings you here?’

‘Rex there, wanted to come’, he says pointing to the crew-cut guy who has been hanging out with the girls and monopolizing Anitha’s time.

‘Ahhhh’, Aravind and I both say together.

‘Aravind? What about you?’

‘I want to be a writer. But I am into marketing’, okay that explains the easy charm.

‘What prompted you to start this group?’

Well, I was bored but did not have a good hobby.

‘I don’t know, felt like something to be done’.

Aravind and Bala both look like I said something super-interesting.

‘Yep, it might help a few, if it really does what it can do. People meet up, brain storm, help each other’, Bala says sincerely.

I nod. I see Anitha walking towards me. I give her a smile and introduce them all again, even though I am sure Anitha met everyone and spoke to them already.

‘We should block that guy if possible.’, Anitha says, picks up a can of aerated drink and starts drinking and since the only other guy is the crew-cut guy, she must have meant him.

‘Ummm.. Bala here came in with him I guess, he.…’, Anitha coughs at this news interfering with her drinking, but is ever elegant and doesn’t spew any of the liquid on all of us.

‘Sorry’, she says to him between coughs and attempting to smile at the same time.

Bala smiles, ‘I am sorry too’.

‘I have an idea’, Aravind announces.

‘Why don’t we all decide what we are going to do for the next few weeks and come up with something? Like I can write something, Bala can play some music for us, Ishitha apparently is interested in making jewelry, we can do something and share among us all?’

Ummm okay. What do I do though?

‘Yep, that is not a bad idea at all. I can cook’, Anitha adds.

‘I am not very good and all that’, Bala announces self-consciously.

‘Dude, we are not professionals here. I will organize this whole thing’, I add. That should be easy, there were only six people all in all.

I announce this to the whole group and soon everyone actually decides to do something before the next meeting, after a lot of coaxing. Supriya-Supraja is the only other one who doesn’t know what she wants to do, but she admitted she is an avid reader and we all decided she can read some new book and tell us the story. Surprisingly, Rex isn’t entirely dumb. He is trying to be an actor and has an audition the next month, he will record his training for us all. He explained about getting into the skin of the role and some such thing. If it helps his audition, then great. The creepy-cum-innocent girl decided she is going to drop out of the group as it isn’t what she expected.

All in all, the first meeting isn’t entirely bad. But the whole point is to do something with our lives and that is something we will probably, hopefully get an inkling of when we meet the next time after three weeks. We all exchange numbers and decide on the venue, take pictures and selfies.

It is almost the end, most had left, only Bala is hanging back.

‘I hope you are good with those instruments Bala. Looking forward to it’, Anitha says.

‘You might want to send a recording to me first, so that you can get a second opinion and I can tell you whether you should come up for the next meeting or not’, I add.

Bala chuckles. He then looks at me pointedly, and I realize he is waiting to ask or tell me something. Anitha looks at me and her eyes widen as she also notices the pointed look.

‘Okay, I have to make a call. See you Pri, I will be at Naren’s. Bye Bala’, she says and leaves. Wokay.

Bala turns to see her go and after a couple of seconds turns to look at me. ‘Sorry, I am embarrassed to do this. But well Rex… Anyways, is Anitha single?’

Poor guy. At least he isn’t asking for himself.

‘She isn’t. The Naren she just mentioned is the boyfriend’

‘I knew it. But he just can’t read people. I don’t know how he doesn’t suck at acting. Sorry though’, he says.

I laugh. ‘Never mind. I cannot say I did not expect any of this, it all went entirely too smooth. But I am sure Anitha there thinks you are here waiting to talk to me. Wonder what to tell her without bringing your friend up’, I mock-worry.

He chuckles.

‘Good job though. This is a good idea, it might end up good. After a few meets, we should come up with a mobile app. I can help you with that..’

‘So you any good with mobile apps?’

‘Better than I am with a Sitar for sure…’, he says. He might end up being a new friend. I initially thought Aravind and I will hit it off, but that man has problems recognizing his limits.

I put my hand out. ‘It was good meeting you Bala. Thanks for not being a creep’.

He shakes my hand and gives me a distant half hug with just our shoulders touching and he says, ‘Thanks Priya, for not being a fake wannabe’.

Really?

I pat his shoulder as a two-in-one gesture of pushing him back and patting him in a friendly way. I should be alarmed, but he really is not a creep and he smells good.

With this thought I turn and I see Karthik standing a few steps away and looking at us with an expression I haven’t seen before. I smile at him brightly though, taking a moment to appreciate him.

‘Karthik! This is Bala’, I walk and talk and point at Bala all at the same time.

‘Hi Karthik’, Bala calls back and Karthik just jerks his chin at him. Right.

‘See you at the next meet then Priya?’

‘See you Bala’., and he leaves giving me a who is this guy look, given that Karthik is transmitting distinctly unfriendly vibes towards him.

‘Karthik?’, he hasn’t said a word.

‘Hello? There?’

‘Let’s go home’, he says and just walks off.

What did I do now?

‘Karthik, wait, don’t run’, he isn’t running, he is walking too fast and his long legs could take him much faster than I can ever hope to, even if I ran. He normally slowed them down for me.

But today he just walks off, increasing the pace but totally unaffected by it. All his working out is paying him off. Well he has to slow down at some point, I have the keys to my place, so I let him go and decide to take my own time.

I amble forward slowly and climb stairs and ignore the elevator, fitness is really important and I believe it is a way of life, reach my apartment to find Karthik pacing in front of my door. His eyes lock on me and I still don’t speed up my walk. I give myself a mental pat-on-the-back, I should either be rushing to or away from him, but I am sauntering on to him.

I reach for keys in my pocket and as soon as it leaves the confines of my pockets, his hand is there, snatching my keys away and he has the door unlocked while his left hand curls tightly around my upper arm and he drags me in.

‘Karthik, what the hell? Would you stop and tell me why you look like….’, I am not even allowed to complete my metaphor, I had a good one. I am yanked to a stop. Yanked. I get more than pissed off. I cross my arms and try to glare at him even though he is standing quite closely and glaring up at him that close would give me a head ache.

‘Who was that Priya?’, he asks, his tone devoid of anything.

‘Who?’

‘The guy who I am pretty sure is a complete stranger but whom you were hugging’

Oh.. I did have an inkling it was too soon for Bala to hug me, even a no contact one.

‘Ummm.. That was Bala’, I say as if that explains everything. We spent quite some time together, so not exactly strangers.

Karthik just raised an eyebrow at me. Wow, I last saw a raised eyebrow when he was scolding me for using him for nefarious reasons like getting  a job relocation.

‘Ummm.. You know the group I formed online? He joined the group. He is a musician and everything, cool guy. I…’

‘Cool?’

Okay, maybe shouldn’t mention his coolness.

‘No, I mean, we came up with an idea on what we can do and stuff, he was just saying bye’

‘By hugging you?’

‘Umm.. I wasn’t prepared, I didn’t know he was going to do that, it was a no-contact hug though, so not really a big deal’

‘Really? You have one meet and already unexpected hugs from strange guys?’

God, isn’t he over-reacting?

‘Umm.. He didn’t…’

‘You are defending him?’, finally, finally there is some tone in his voice, though not a good one.

‘Karthik’, I say, a pleading note in my voice, which I totally hate for the record, why am I not sounding pissed off enough?

‘Are you insane Priya? Do you even think it is safe? He could be anyone. He could be… and he was hitting on you’

‘Karthik chill. It isn’t how you think. If anything, he was asking about Anitha and that too for his friend, I mean..’

‘God Priya, and you believed him? Are you that gullible?’

Okay, apparently, I can do no right and I won’t be given a chance to explain. I keep quiet.

‘You have a meet with a bunch of new people, it was fine since it was happening in a known place with security in place and people you know all around you. But you…’, he says and runs his hand through his hair. I remain silent.

‘Priya, you need to be careful and you cannot just let anyone….’.

Okay, I get it, but seriously?

‘Karthik! I know what I am doing. He was harmless, I have good instincts. He is really fine’,  I definitely hope so, I try with a reasonable tone of voice.

‘Okay, so be it. But you won’t do this again’

Say what?

‘Huh?’

‘You won’t do this because I don’t like it and I don’t think it is a good idea’, he declares.

Seriously?

‘Am sorry, did I miss the gazette announcement where you declared yourself as my third parent?’, I say, stepping away from him. On hindsight, isn’t gazette announcement for name changes?

There is complete silence. I was so excited to tell him about the next meeting. I am not saying hosting meets is my thing, but I was beginning to like this whole idea of enabling something where people having similar problems could meet and possibly help each other and I could have fun doing it too.

Karthik walks forward closing the distance between us.

‘Where is the pendant Priya?’, he asks, totally unrelated.

I just shrug. I have no idea where he is going with this.

‘Why aren’t you wearing it?’

I am not entirely sure what he insinuates here, but I decide to answer honestly, one of us needs to be reasonable here.

‘It is delicate Karthik. It is inside where it is safe’, I say pointing in the direction of my room.

I am not going to try and understand his meaning, he definitely will explain openly as is his way.

I hear him sigh. He just stands in front of me, but begins relaxing.

‘Are we good?’, I ask him, after he seems alright and I get tired of just standing there.

‘Are you going to stop this group thing?’

Apparently not.

‘I have to try to do it Karthik, I find it interesting. We will know next time if these folks are really into something and if this can just be a place to do whatever alternative thing you want to.’

He looks at me, right into my eyes for a long time. I hold his eyes.

After a duration of unknown length during which small universes took birth and died, he looks away.

‘Okay, I will be there at the next meet then’, he says decisively and dismissively.

Damn. Like I needed to watch every step and be conscious the whole time.

‘Karthik, ummm, no.. I mean.. I..’

‘I will join the group, even if I do not, Anitha will tell me about the meetings’.

Right. I nod. I will come up with a plan to get him off the meeting. I need to close this chapter for now.

‘Okay, next week is my award ceremony.’ he starts right away with the next bow from his well-chosen quiver.

Shit. How did I forget?

‘Oh is it? That’s wonderful’, not.

‘I have to tell my parents about us.’ And that is why.

Crap. My mom knows, I have to tell dad. But my parents still think Karthik is the bombiest bomb ever, so they wouldn’t really have a problem. The biggest problem is facing his parents.

I nod.

‘Priya?’, he calls me. I prefer looking down. I need moral support and the tiles on the floor do a very good job at it.

‘Babe look at me’, he says, in a low voice and a tone I can never get tired of.

I look up at him. Karthik hooks his index finger under my chin and lifts my head further apparently dissatisfied with my attempt at looking up at him.

‘I will tell them as soon as possible within this week, whenever the timing is right’

I nod.

‘You need to be prepared. Anything can happen.’

I sigh.

‘They won’t like it, Karthik’.

He nods. ‘They will, eventually’.

I just stay silent. ‘The dress code is formal. Wear something nice’, he says, some mischievous smile on his face.

Like I wouldn’t choose the opportunity to buy more new stuff.

I smile. Finally, his face relaxes completely. He moves his hand away. His forehead drops to mine.

‘You have to be careful.’

‘I am and I will be. Bala is fine I believe. If he isn’t I know what to do’

‘He isn’t fine Priya’

‘How do you know?’

Karthik pulls back and sighs, yet again. Today is world sigh day.

‘It isn’t fine....’

‘Ya?’

‘Well, I don’t like him okay. I don’t like it either’. He bit out ‘it’ in case I don’t get what ‘it’ is.

Whoa what? Is Karthik being jealous? He? Like the perfect person that I know can get jealous? I thought he is only possessive and probably protective which I chalked up to him having abundant testosterone.

I fight a smile. Call me whatever, but the fact that he gets jealous is a very satisfying and fulfilling idea.

‘You know, you are being irrational, I wasn’t flirting or trying anything at all’, I say, unable to keep the smile off my voice.

‘Doesn’t matter. I am there the next meeting.’

If anything he sounded surer and more stubborn.

‘Do you want me not to have fun finding out if the meets really mean anything?’

‘You will have fun, I will be there’.

‘Not if you are going to behave like a guard and hover’.

‘Are you that kind of a girl? Who wants to make her guy jealous and throw a fit and establish a power pattern?’

Say what? I lose it.

‘You know what, you are a jerk! Just.. Get lost. I just don’t want to see you…’, I do not have a handle on my anger and I am most definitely spewing things that I don’t even mean. But does he get that? Noooo. He stalks towards me. His hand goes tight around my arm and I get pulled closer.

‘I am not going to let you do things that will get you closer to other men and have you tell me you are not into me anymore’.

In my current state of mind where I am seething that he thinks I am a pathetic attention-seeking manipulative bitch, I don’t want to be thought of as someone who cannot be faithful as well. 

‘Really? Who do you think you are? How dare you? I did not even know you were feeling jealous.. I mean look at you. Look at what you do and how you are, almost perfect. I would expect me to be jealous and insecure and all that.. But you… anyways.. I am not intentionally doing anything.. You just can’t… And you think I am so fickle I would just see one guy and what just jump at him? You think I am a slut? Have I ever done anything to make you say that? Ever? Not so perfect after all huh?’. His hand on my arm tightens and tightens as I go on. Apparently, I can’t take a clue.

‘Priya’, he says my name as a stand in for shut-up.

‘Oh! don’t even. You..’

‘Priya’, he says it as a stand in for shut-the-hell-up.

‘I can’t even imagine. You think that of me. I swear…’

‘Seriously, will you just shut up?’

My eyes go as wide as possible as I digest the possibility of Karthik directly asking me to shut up in that tone.

I try to wriggle my arm out of his hold.

‘Calm down’., he says, using a calming tone.

‘You calm down and get your hand off me.’

Finally, I manage to get away.

‘I didn’t mean it Priya’, he says, apparently that is sorry in jerk-language.

I just look at him. I shrug. Too little, too late. Okay, not too late, but it is way too little.

‘I don’t… I didn’t think.. You have to understand’, right, broken sentences without predicates, very earth-shattering realization-creating words.

I can either attempt to calm down or understand, I choose to calm down.

‘Let me come to the meet once, for my peace of mind. I won’t hover’, he even imitates me, not a good move when I am already pissed and angry.

I shrug. I have reached the-whatever state. Nothing affects me anymore. What it feels like is that he doesn’t trust me but soooo like him to assure me on the least important portion of his statements.

‘I am leaving then.’

I shrug again. I watch him leave. I don’t feel good about it, but I feel if he stays and we argue, things are going to get even tenser.

He goes to the door, turns back and looks at me.

‘I…’, he begins, I brace myself for anything and everything. He just shakes his head and leaves.

I go to my room, open my wardrobe and find the small box with the most beautiful necklace in it. I get it out and I feel the heart and pearl in it.  It wasn’t even my fault. He shouldn’t have done that. I collapse onto my bed with the necklace in hand.

I don’t know how long I was like that, my fingers treating the necklace like a rosary, my mind going back and playing his words out over and over again, my emotions getting murkier and confused as time goes. Anitha finds me like that.

‘Helloooo..’, she sings out.

‘Are you tired? I am…’, she goes on.

‘Exciting huh? I thought we were going to meet despos or people looking to pass some time. Not bad huh? I am soooo looking forward to our next meet. Naren just couldn’t believe it.’

‘Yup’

‘Huh? I expected you to be jumping with joy. Finally one of your ideas really might be something.. Hey.. what did that musician guy want? Anything I should warn Karthik about??’, she says, her tone teasing, still not cottoning on to my mood, I imagine her eyebrows dancing up and down.

I turn to look at her, she is facing away from me trying to put away her shawl and bag.

‘Well, Karthik is warned beyond doubt’, I say, my tone totally dry and bitter.

She does a whirl of extra ordinary speed and takes a good look at me.

‘Oh no.. Trouble?’

I shake my head. Her eyes lock on to the necklace wrapped in my hand.

‘What did you do?’, she asks.

She is Karthik’s most supportive champion.

‘Why don’t you ask Karthik?’

‘He did something?’, she sounds thoroughly surprised.

‘He is an asshole’, I had to call it like it is and thus I begin.

Anitha listens to my story. After asking me a hundred times to confirm that I really didn’t do anything drastic to instigate his reaction, she also agrees with me about what her favorite person is, although grudgingly.

‘I don’t know, maybe there is some story he hasn’t told you. This is so unlike him’

‘At this point, I am hoping that is the case’

‘What are you going to do?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘You don’t know?’

‘I know I didn’t do anything, but I feel like running to him like I did last time we fought.’

‘Noooo.. You have to give him time to realize his mistake. Don’t forgive him until he understands. The tables have turned, you can't be the one who is patching things up all the time’, she says, ever the voice of experience and probably a heart-felt one this time.

I sigh.

‘I am sure he has a reason.’, she sounds hopeful.

What do I do if he doesn’t?