Episode 8

'Priya, the drive way has a long queue; it will take some time for me to get inside. Do you want to come near the exit?'

I am still on the phone. I am sure he has made several statements and asked questions while I silently curse Shan for yet another folly. Is there anything looking up for me?

'Karthik?' - I had to confirm at least once.

'Yes Priya, do you need me to come and get you?'

'No no. I will be at the exit. Give me five minutes.'

I walk towards the exit, it is not nearby. It takes me more than five minutes to reach and I almost get hit by a car and do get hit by a group of giggling people.

I can see Karthik now. He has parked his car slightly ahead from the gates to my right and is standing in front of it, leaning on the hood the lights from the building falling on him in a flattering angle. From what I can see, it is a black car and not a small one. How very drab, black color!

He is wearing gray tracks with a gray hoody. Believe me; he pulls off the jogger look much better than any jogger I have seen in my life.

He spots me and for some reason decides to walk towards me rather than stay leaning on the car. There is a chill to the wind that blows. Since I am in Chennai, it doesn’t ever strike me to carry a jacket or a coat. I stop, rubbing my hands against my arms while he walks towards me. He stops a few steps in front of me and smiles. Why do I always see him when I don’t want to and least expect it? Shan, no words for Shan. He is an idiot. Helpful yes, but an idiot nevertheless.

'Hi Karthik. How are you?' – My voice is normal; I seem to have good karma in my past.

He nods. 'Hey, let's go to the car, it is a bit chilly'. He turns to walk and promptly gets in. I follow him and get into the car.

'So, off to home? Do you know how to get there? Let me pull the navigator'. He pulls out his phone and puts it on the dock and enters the address of my parents' place on a navigation app.

'Karthik, not my parents' house, I moved.'

'Ohhh'. He tilts the dock in my direction. I do the search now and set the correct destination.

'Thanks for coming Karthik'.

'Shan is traveling to his home town this weekend. So he called me. He did try calling a couple of your team mates and other friends before he called me. Don’t curse him', he smiles again, a big playful smile.

'Ohhh', damn if I can think of something to say. There is silence for few minutes as he started driving and hit the road.

'So, when did you guys move?'.

'No Karthik, it's just me, I moved out of my parents' place'.

He seems to deliberate something internally, finally decides and asks,

'I know I shouldn't ask, but am just curious, why did you move out?'

'I am not sure. I felt like I need to do things on my own and in my own way. I need to know about me and I don't think I can do that being at my parents' place. So moved out'. I realize I hadn’t yet given a detailed explanation to any of the tall-trio. He turns to look at me as if he is trying to decide whether these words belong to the same person sitting beside him. I also realize that I have to inform them that I am heading back home, so I drop Anitha a text.

'So partying with irresponsible guys who leave you stranded in the middle of the night is what you do?'. I do not understand what note his voice carries. It is not normal though.

'Karthik, the road', I ask urging him to look at the road. I never said I will answer all his questions.

'The road is virtually empty and I am driving slowly. You need not worry', now he sounds annoyed.

I am in an empty road sitting beside a person who could occasionally make me do stupid things. I did not want him to be annoyed. The drive is too perfect, the weather is too perfect, this situation a little too perfect to make him annoyed, so I explain.

'They are not irresponsible. This was supposed to be my treat for starting something new. There were four, but only two turned up. The two are seeing each other and today somehow happened to be the day they fight. I left them to their fight and later couldn’t find them. I panicked when they were not reachable. Maybe I over reacted. I shouldn't have called Shan'. I am suddenly engulfed with such embarrassment. I think I should never have called Shan. I should have just waited near the exit until it was time to close down the dance floor. I sigh.

'It's alright. Sometimes things do happen', he sounds placating. 'But, don't ever do this again Priya. It is not safe to leave in the middle of the night'. He is right. I nod.

I am not driving, so I am free to look at him. I take the liberty. He has a slight dusting of five o'clock shadow or more appropriately past midnight shadow on his jaw. Silence stretches for some time.

'Priya? Are you sleepy?'.

'No, no, just enjoying the view'. The moment I say this I realize I am still looking at him. I let my eyes drift past him as if I am looking at the scenery on his side of the car. As if. He turns to look at me again and a knowing smile appears on his face. I think I might be blushing; I am not sure as that doesn’t happen often.

He looks at me again, 'Tell me, who are these four people?'.

For a minute there I couldn’t comprehend what in the world he is talking about. I go blank and his looking at me makes me conscious. I hope my blankness looks adorably ignorant. His eyebrows arch together as I look at him, so maybe I just look annoyingly stupid.

'Right. It's Naren, my friend from college, Anitha his girlfriend. Vivek and Aditya, his roommates. They have all helped me a lot since the day I moved'.

'I just can't imagine you doing things on your own', he says. I frown.

'Why do you say that?'

'When I met you, I thought you were a carefree person who needed someone to take care of you. You were…', he stops mid-sentence.

'Go on Karthik'.

'I am just worried if I am frank about what I think of you, you might return the favor', he smiles.

'Well ya, I believe in doing my due diligence'. I know when I have an opening and I have a question myself, something that is none of my business too.

'I thought you were in Bangalore….'

'My company opened a branch here just last month. I frequently visit here these days for meetings'.

Is he going to move here permanently sometime soon? I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not sure if I should feel anything about that.

'I am not moving here if that is what you are thinking about…'.

Just uncanny. Am I that readable? Anyways, I am a bit relieved he isn’t in the same city as me.

'You look so relieved', he laughs. Dude, stop reading my mind.

'I never thought I will meet you again..'

'So you think if I am not in Chennai, we won’t meet again?', he is right.

'Sorry, but that is the honest truth. I am not very happy about the way I handled things.' He turns to look at me now.

'I won’t disagree with that Priya', he smiles. Right.

'But all things said and done, I think it was for the good. I was not very keen on the wedding too'.

'I knew I didn't inspire you to fall in love on first sight, but I don't think I want to hear that I didn't so much as blimp on your radar', I give a small embarrassed laugh.

'You did not blimp I agree. Not until you stopped the wedding'. Ohhh.. Now what is a poor girl to make of that? I stay silent. He turns to look at me twice. I stay silent.

'What? Nothing to say? I thought you always had something or the other to say. You always seem to have an opinion for everything'. He smiles. Well, he doesn’t know me from atom.

'I don’t think you know me enough to make that statement you know'.

He says after a couple of seconds –

'You are right. I don’t know you. I am not sure if it is too late to rectify that'.

'Wow, commitment-phobic much? You don’t like someone when they are about to marry you, the girl says no wedding and you find her interesting? I have to search if there is a course Male Psyche 1-0-1 and enroll for it'.

Karthik laughs. He actually laughs.

'There is the opinion! I do know that you have an opinion on everything'.

I pout. What is he doing? Is he flirting?

'You also have the most interesting facial expressions'. Is he hitting on me? Am I imagining this conversation and am I actually still on the outside of the disco totally hammered and having alcohol induced hallucination? I shake my head to clear it.

He laughs. Please god; please tell me he hasn’t read this expression too.

'I would do anything to know what just went on in your head. Somehow I think even if I offered you my car, you would not explain.'

'I wouldn’t. It is the wrong offer; your car is black colored.'

'Black isn’t good?', he asks, easily sidetracked again. 'Some would say it is classy'.

'It's just boring. I prefer some color, the more cheerful the better'. He shakes his head. He can’t believe someone would say no to this car, just because it is black. Well. Unfortunately, navigator app chooses that moment to inform that our destination is on the right.

'I think we are here then, which building?'. I tell him. We reach my building. I get down. He gets down too. 'I will walk you to your apartment'. I did not say no.

We ride up the elevator in silence, not the awkward variety though. The elevator stops at my floor. I start looking for the key in my clutch and find it. We reach my apartment. I open the door, then turn to look at him.

'Priya, see you later then'. He says, but just stands in front of me.

I go and do the stupidest thing I ever did in my whole life. I don’t know what comes over me. Since I already claimed alcohol as an excuse for calling up Shan, I do not have an acceptable excuse either.

I move and lean forward, I get close to him. He doesn’t move. I lean further as if I am going to kiss him, I can smell his soap, a clean smell, I feel him stiffen. I lean closer, my mouth very close his ear and say just above a whisper,

'Thanks Karthik. Thanks for helping me and having me home'. I feel him raising his hand; I am not sure for what. I move back. 'Good night', I say, move back some more, go into my home and close the door behind me.  

What have I done?

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4  Episode 5  Episode 6  Episode 7

Episode 7

Fridayyyyy! So normally I wouldn’t be this relieved for a Friday. But Sukanya is a task master. Best part is, she made Shan work too, so even though I might grumble and complain, I am secretly very satisfied. I like involving everyone in misery if possible, so sue me!

After several days of discussion and multiple iterations of corrections, Sukanya finally sent over our model to the client. We will get a feedback within next week. Fingers crossed! I am treating the guys for having successfully started a new phase in my life. I was rather made to, do you know how much dinner costs when three guys with a healthy appetite accompany you to a pricey place? Well, I did think of that as I am still new at handling money. I never had to worry. My salary was completely mine to spend until now; my salary did not have any purpose. Now, it pays rent, it gives me food. So I did think. But hey, Naren has been extremely helpful. Vivek's food is something to look forward to few days of a week. Aditya is just sweet and supportive. These people are the best! Time to have fun with them! Anitha is a total doll too.

So I go home early to get ready. We are going to catch an early dinner and Anitha wanted to hit a discotheque. So that is the plan.

I haven't been to any place with these guys where I needed to get all dressy. So I spent a lot of time choosing a dress. Finally I choose a simple but shimmery deep moss green dress. It is made of a beautiful shiny fabric and is plain with a clean cut and although doesn’t scream partayyyy, it is suitably partyish. It had a wide round neck that was a tad deep and had sheer sleeves and it fell up to my knees. The dress hugs me in the right places, so I normally look slim in the dress. I wanted to make an impression, although no idea why. I pair it with burgundy peep toes that are not very heeled and a burgundy clutch. I am accessorized in just gold dangling ear rings that moved even on a small movement of my head. I also spend a lot of time doing my make up as I wanted understated but party-worthy, this is an effect quite tough to achieve for me. I think I managed.

So I am all excited. Naren, Anitha and I will be leaving from the apartment around 7.00 P.M. Experience told me that Anitha is punctual but Naren plays soft-and-slow when it comes to timings. So I give myself leeway and by the time I am ready it is 7.15. I get a call to come down to the cab at around 7.30.

'Sorry Pri. Got caught at work. Got a little delayed!'

Right. Anitha snorts.

'That's okay Naren. Let's go. I think we are late. What is the plan for Aditya and Vivek?  Are they at the restaurant?'

Naren and Anitha exchange looks.

'Pri, Aditya had to go to his friend's place. Some sort of emergency. He is very very sorry he couldn’t make it, he will treat us all to make up for this' – Naren told this almost as fast as the mutual-funds-are-subject-to-market-risks disclaimer.

I blink. I dial Aditya. We could have moved this. It is not an appointment set in stone. The call goes, goes and goes no answer. I am slightly pissed off.

'Okay. No point taking it out on you. Tell me Vivek is going to be there'

Anitha gives him a look again.

'Ya ya, Vivek will make it.' , Naren says. Okay. We all know how Vivek his. He comes when he comes, usually if he is in this plane.

'You look nice, I almost did not recognize you', Anitha says. As a change in conversation this is one of the best. I smile.

'Thanks Anitha. You look great', she did. She makes me feel I could have gone more party-vibey. She is kind of shining in a red dress and what looks like golden or chrome accessories; will be clear once we have more light.

I hear a sigh from Naren and catch Anitha giving him a dirty look. This night isn't going well, hope it improves.

We reach the restaurant. Anitha actually looks pretty awesome. Her dress is a few inches above knee, sleeveless and well fitted and she is in chrome accessories. Even her shoes are shiny chrome. I like her outfit.

We move ahead but Naren doesn't get in step with us. The host helps us to our table. The restaurant was rated very high. But it was a bit too flashy and had too many mirrors and bright lights for my taste. It looks very space-shippy, I can't find anything made of wood or metal, or at least they were cleverly disguised or dressed to look like glass. Don’t ask me why glass, mirrors and lights remind me of space ships, I have never been in one, so I don’t know.

I try very hard to ignore Anitha and Naren's tension which seems apparent as time goes. I do not know how though, taking my phone out and finding innocent by onliners in Whatsapp or Viber seems very rude on a dinner table.

I try to start conversations. I try to make fun of Shan; he is their favorite to make fun too. I try to talk about Vivek and creatively curse Aditya. Anitha tries to join in, but Naren's sour mood pulls all of us down.

The normally playfully teasing couple are making me want to chew the insides of my mouth to control myself and asking what the problem is. They seem to think I am blind or Naren could act like a National award winner. I finally decide to go "powder my nose". Maybe I will take a couple of clichéd wash room selfies. Maybe I will take a small walk around the restaurant and get busy being discovered by handsome billionaires with six pack abdomens looking for true but poor love. The next trend changing movie star with such talent that people weep looking at her ground breaking performance, works too. I do like fairy tales.

How much ever I try, I couldn’t justifiably spend more than ten minutes away from the table. When I come back, food is being served.  Naren and Anitha look like they just had a hurried argument. Food tastes fantastic. I look at Naren and Anitha who have hardly eaten. This makes me feel like a glutton. But, hey, I have got at least one thing going.

Regrettably, we decide to leave without dessert. But at least the evening comes to an end. Vivek isn’t here; I can use that as a perfect excuse to skip the disco. I silently thank Vivek, maybe this will reach him when he is in his own plane.

Boy, was I wrong!

'Pri, I have called for another cab to go to the disco, he will be here in ten minutes max.'

Say what? Noooooooo.

'Hey, where is Vivek? Shouldn’t we wait for him?'

'Naren, I think I am going home. I am tired Priya. Sorry, I am going home'

Yayy. I can go with her too right?

'Oh come on Anitha. We all know you want to go dancing and I am completely fine with it. Let's do it. Else, I am sure I will be blamed for this as well at some later point in time'

Anitha snorts.

'You better wait for Vivek, Priya. We need someone sober when we come back'

Uh oh. I am in the middle of a lover's spat.

'Guys, let's go back. We will do this some other day'.

'No Pri. We will go today', Naren looks super stubborn.

'Yes Priya. We all have choice always, as long as we choose what Naren wants. We will go today'

Brilliant!

I try talking sense into both of them. Nothing works. Cab arrives, I am dragged in. We reach the disco, get stamped and go in. The discotheque is one of those that are an attaché to a five star hotel.

I immediately go to the wash room again, this time to call Vivek.

He picks up. 'Hi Priya! What's up?'

'Vivek where are you? You need to come down right now. When are you coming?'

'Yes Priya. I am in the middle of something. We have been working on tweaking an algorithm, we are almost there, I will leave as soon as it's done'

'What? Come soon Vivek.' , I am not good in using words like "please", it is implied I guess.

'Sure, will be there at the disc. Got to go now', no room to reply, he has hung up already.

This is so not going well.

I go to the disc. I see Naren at the bar. I ignore him and order a drink. Anitha is standing nearby moving to the swell of music having a drink in one hand.

I ignore both of them. I stand in their vicinity but I keep to myself. They are doing the same too. It took just another five minutes. A guy with weird side burns comes and asks Anitha to dance. Naren loses it at that point.

'She is with me', he says, waits till weird-side-burns leaves and then rips into it.

'Are you happy now?'  Naren asks Anitha.

Shit, even I know that that did not sound good. I move away. Let them have their fight; I am done with them today.

I people-watch, dance alone like a weirdo, drink some more. I still see them arguing. I spy a group of girls having fun and they see me and ask me to join them. A couple of drinks and almost half an hour of dancing after, I look for Naren and Anitha. I don't see them.

I check for Anitha in the wash room, I can't find her. I search all over the dance floor, the bar. No sign. I call Naren and Anitha, and both are not reachable. I see that I don't get good signal either. I come out and try calling them again, still the same. I call Vivek, no answer.

I am alone in a disc past midnight, slightly drunk, I can't find my friends and I am in India. I panic. I am not sure if I can ask help from the hotel staff. I imagine myself getting my own cab to return home and all the news of girls in cabs who are not even inebriated being subjected to fates far worse than death run through my head in bold headlines.

I consider calling my dad. I can’t. He will be my last option. This is a mistake. It is as if I proved Shan's statement of me being an immature irresponsible person in one of our appraisal discussions.

I blame my inebriated state, but I will never know why I called Shan that particular day. I call him. After getting over what appears to be shock, he asks all the details, says he will do something as soon as possible. I am ever grateful.

I wait for almost half an hour. I keep trying to call these guys. They are either not reachable or not answering. I swear if I see any of them I am going to kick his or her ass. I spend time imagining creative ways of punishing Naren for ruining my first treat for a successful start. I get a call from an unknown number. I answer.

'Priya, I am outside the hotel's entrance. Parking seems to be full, do you want me to come in, or can you come out?'

Shit. I recognize the voice and it is not Shan.

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4  Episode 5  Episode 6

Episode 6

Things were going on in some sort of rhythm I didn't know existed. I am to call my parents every day before I leave for work and once am back at home. I am to visit them at least every alternate weekend. I am to make an effort in finding a guy for me. I even have the carte blanche on finding on my own.

Every morning I wake up, miss my mother's filter coffee and make my own instant one. I have cereal for breakfast and head to office. I have lunch there. I do dabble at dinner every other day but I have a standing invitation at Naren's. Of the three of them Vivek is the best cook, so I make sure am there when it is his turn. I have learnt to make few dishes like sambar and basic curries. Rotis are still a nightmare, just too much work, I am thinking of becoming a ricetarian. If all else fails, there is such a thing called home delivery. I do miss mom's food. Well.

At office, I feel more energetic. Maybe it is the change. Everything looks fresh and I seem to have developed some sort of interest in things I do. I decided to be more involved in things to find what I like in my work. I had a chat with a couple of people informing them I am ready for trying out new stuff.

There is a new proposal coming up for a new client. I am helping out our architect. Our architect, Sukanya, had asked specifically for me. I am good at my work, I am a software developer. Not that good. So maybe I have something to prove there. The thing is, once we are ready from our side, Shan is going to have his own presentation on business models and we will have to have a run through together. I am telling you, universe has no idea of ever helping me on anything, ever. I do dream every single night of never seeing Shan again and want it as fiercely as I am capable of, but nothing happens. Paulo Coelho, legendary writer and liar. Shan hadn't exactly avoided me, as he couldn't, but he had tried his best, which was easier as I wasn't comfortable yet. I am still not sure whether I should pull him into a meeting room and explain things to him or not, avoiding is easier.

In all my aboriginal fresh interest at work, Shan is one thing that remains constant. He still smirk-smiles on the rare occasions we do meet, given the latest experience with him, I am glad it hasn’t morphed into something else. My big issue is not that though. I look at Shan and his smirk-smile and also see a super-imposed image of the to-die-for brown eyes with the blank stare belonging to a certain person we both knew. I am guilty enough of the way I have handled things. I am also embarrassed because I catch myself thinking about you-know-who. I am going to assume that the guilt is making me think of him.

Sukanya and I are spending most of our time coming up with power point presentations, excel sheets with lots of data and brain storming for new ideas. I did not come up with anything new, but she keeps doing it, so I must be enabling her at the very least.

'Priya, we have to come up with a domain model for this. I got a mail asking for a solution for the client's architect to look at. We need to talk to the experts we have here, I am going to talk to sales and find out if something like this has been already done on a similar pitch. Can you start on this?' – Sukanya had just come to my desk and said hi and rattled all of this.

Sukanya is a very smartly dressed woman who appears to be in her early thirties. She is always well dressed. She predominantly wears cotton salwar-kameez and manages to look very proper and professional. I have seen her couple of times with formal trousers and a suit jacket; very smart. She has a lot of fans on the floor for her choice of style and fashion. She is very good at her work, a minority in the sea of male architects. She is also a very hard woman to say no to and does things her way, in other words, she is one scary person.

'Sure Sukanya. I would need a couple of days to get this done'

'A couple of days? Is that enough?'

I do not know. I did not understand all the complex words in the group of sentences she had just uttered. I remember them. I can google later to understand what a domain model is and why we need experts for doing it.

'You know what, give me a day and let me do a high level analysis. I will let you know by EOD'  which means end of day; that surprisingly sounds as if I know what she spoke about and also understand how complex it is but I am just not sure what to do at this particular instance, impressive.

'Sure Priya. That makes sense. Drop me a short note once you finish your analysis. We will go over it once you have the first draft ready. See you later then'. She leaves.

I begin to apply my extra ordinary skills on the art of googling. Apparently domain model is one of the models which depict a solution using a diagram. We need to identify all important elements or objects associated with an industry or domain and relate them. Okay, so I know why we need experts. Unfortunately, I have no idea how long it is going to take for me to come up with one. We are doing a proposal for a telecom client. I google domain models for telecom industry. I find a lot of models with contradicting relationships and very many objects identified and claiming to be the very soul of the industry, most of them not consistent across multiple diagrams.

I get lost in the world of telecom. I print out all sorts of diagrams and figures and am in the process of understanding things. My desk is filled with these print outs. I can't recollect ever printing anything out for the sake of work before. Movie tickets, yes, never for research.

I feel a presence beside me. I hear a throat being cleared and I know that if I look up, I will be looking at a smirk-smile. I look up anyways and turn to my left; I did not have a choice.

Shan stands there with his attempted smirk-smile, not a fully executed one as he was trying to hide surprise from his face. I am already getting pissed. I know why he is surprised.

'Well, looks like you find this work interesting Priya'

'Oh, hi Shan', I say. What I am thinking is - I dare you Shan. I dare you to say what you really are thinking.

He smirk-smiles, no attempt now.

'Sukanya asked me to introduce you to a couple of SMEs' – which is acronym for Subject Matter Expert. 'I will set up a meeting; I came by to ask when. I had mailed you, I came by to get a quick response'. He looked pointedly at all the print outs.

'Sorry Shan, been busy. Can we do it now? I have some more research to do and they might help speed things up.'

Shan nods and promptly arranges a meeting by calling them. We walk over to a meeting room in total silence. Good.

I meet the three SMEs and the discussion starts. I let Shan ask his questions. They seem surprisingly reasonable and intelligent. I guess I never did like Shan and hence thought he was dumb. I can get judgmental. He only gets unreasonable with me I guess, always asking me to do things ASAP and keep him in the loop.

The discussion they had seems useful for me as well. I ask them about domain models. They are not technical architects so they couldn't help much other than answer few of my questions. They also like to argue among themselves and not arrive at any conclusions. So the meeting went on.

I had asked one specific question on billing cycles and they had such long passionate discussions that Shan and I share a look of exasperation. Finally, after a long long time, the discussion is done.

'Wow, that was looooooooong'

What? Shan small talking to me? Since when? I look at him. He actually yawns. Shan can yawn? You mean, he is normal?

'What do you mean normal?'

Oops, looks like I was sleepy too. One must not say what one thinks about one's manager to said manager even by mistake. This is the eleventh commandment and I broke it.

'No no, I meant, it was indeed longer than normal or you know, expected….. Abnormally long meeting'

Shan laughs. He gives a full laugh with his head thrown back a little. I never notice how Shan looks for the obvious reason. He is my manager. He does have a decent laugh though.

'I think I got what you actually meant Priya', he smirk-smiles.

Thank god for small favors. If I was fairer, he could have seen me blush. My rather dusky complexion saves me. I just wave my hand as a sign of and rush back. I have lots of work to do.

I have gone over all the links that google spat out whichever seemed most relevant. I have looked at sites and referred manuals that the SMEs recommended. I could only go halfway and I still had no clear idea on how long I am going to take. So, I drop a note to Sukanya, saying I need a week. Let's see if I can do it.

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4  Episode 5

Episode 5

I moved into my new place yesterday. I didn't have any stuff except for clothes and few more stuff, so it was not a big deal. Forgetting things were an option, so no problems at all. Finding an apartment had been the tough one, but after four weeks of searching for it amidst my father's constant reminder about things not being so tough, I have a new found respect for all people on this planet that has even attempted at finding a place. Phew!

Mine is a one bedroom apartment on the 10^th floor of a society and pretty compact. It used to be a guest house and it came furnished, meaning, no good furniture, but hey, it is a start. The walls are a creamy colour with a moderate sized living room and a bedroom of moderate size with a balcony and attached bath. The room has a double bed and wardrobe. I will be replacing the mattress. The biggest room in the apartment is the kitchen. Somethings cannot be explained, so I didn't ask why.

So far the best thing about my apartment is the balcony. It looks promising with a guarantee of good views provided the weather is good. The next best thing about the apartment is that one of my friends lives with his friends in the same society in a block far away that if I go to his place I can count that as a work out. Also, the society has a gym and a pool – not that I will be using them much, but that is useful information to have. "My place" is also much closer to my office than my parents' place. Well, I am not yet used to having my own place, every time I think of it, I feel a thrill running down my spine.

My friend in the society, Naren, has invited me over today for dinner. Apparently, theirs is not the typical bachelor's hovel and they take turns in cooking and if the sample he brought over today morning was a proof, they are good at it. I am going to be hanging out there as much as I can. The most honorable excuse that I can come up with is that I need the work out and the company. The most honest reason is that I haven't cooked anything in my life and I like easy options.

I have sort of unpacked and arranged the few things that I had. This took most of today. My parents wanted to help me; as much as my laziness liked the idea I decided I should start doing things myself. So I did most of the cleaning and some arranging. It was Naren who inspected the mattress and declared I didn't want to even sit on it. He has been living in his own efforts for quite some time, I believe him. We had gone mattress shopping and good that he was there; I hadn't realized I needed to know the size of my cot. Well, don't look at me like that, I know now. It was a learning experience. 

I stand in front of the mirror attached to the wardrobe in my new room in my new found apartment. I look tired. I have long black hair that almost reaches my hip and right now it is a tangled mess. My skin looks like it has been exposed to too much dirt and dust, and probably it was. My rather almond shaped dark brown eyes are the only ones that stood out right now for the right reasons. They were shiny with what some good observer might have termed anticipation or excitement. But, he would be right because my stomach was experiencing some sort of waiting-for-the-moment quiver which happens when you are in a theme park about to go on a scary looking ride. But all I can think right now is that I need a shower.

I shower, dry and brush out my hair, dress in casual clothes and head out in hopes of stocking groceries. My mom had shared a list. I will pick things up and then go to Naren's for dinner.

I go to the nearest super market, buy stuff on the list and arrange for a home delivery for tomorrow. I head to Naren's. Theirs is a large three bedroom apartment and three of them sharing it. Naren is a good looking boy-next-door kind of guy. He is a civil engineer with a good firm and a dream of having his own someday. I met him in my college days and we were part of a pretty close-knit gang most of whom I knew nothing of now.

He smiles at me as I enter and gives me a small hug.

'Priya… I never thought this day would come, our Pri, has just decided to grow up!' , right!

He introduces me to his roommates Vivek and Aditya.

Vivek looks like a geek and apparently he is some kind of freaky genius working in finance. He is really tall, lanky and even without spectacles manages to look like a geek. He even has the look of absence and out-of-place-ness somehow like his is a different plane of existence and he is caught in this reality by terrible turn of events. His only acknowledgement to my presence is a handshake and apparently it is his turn to cook, so to cook for an extra person. Well, that works for me. I am hungry.

Aditya, now Aditya is almost an opposite of Vivek. He isn't exactly a hunk. But he looks like a tall, strong guy rocking a swimmer-like body.  He isn't exactly handsome, but there is just something about him that makes you notice him. Yes, he is eye-catchy. And I am right. He is a swimmer and makes his living giving swimming instructions on weekends apart from welcoming unassuming new joiners to a giant of a software company and making them believe they have arrived in paradise. Yes, he works full time in Human Resource and instructs swimming rest of the time.

Naren isn't short either. All three of them together are not a bad sight. The tall-trio. Nice!

Then there is Anitha, Naren's girlfriend. How he managed to nab her is a mystery and I would like it uncovered. She is one of those effortlessly pretty ones. She is on the smaller side especially noticeable since Naren is tall and well built. She gives me a full smile and pulls me to her side immediately. Well, that's nice. She is like me, she is a software engineer.

The guys even have a proper dining table which looks like it is in use. I am impressed. The food did smell good; I hope Vivek decided to cook for this realm.

So we sit down for peas pulao, rotis and dal, simple but tasty and the conversation flows.

Anitha asks –

'So Priya, your parents really let you leave just like that?'

'My dad was being very difficult. Mom is the one who convinced him. I was actually ready for a fight and all that…'

'Okay, tell me why again you left your parents and decided to live alone?' – this from Aditya.

'I don't know. Honestly, it seemed like a good idea to go my way for a while', I don’t know if pouring out my inner conflicts on first meet is considered normal or not, so I stick to non-answers.

'You aren't telling us the whole thing, are you?' – Ahhh, the ever observant geek. Thanks Vivek.

'I am just meeting you guys, I don't think you want to listen to all my problems on day one do you?' I smile.

'So, how are you liking your apartment? All good? Ask Naren for any help at all. He is very helpful' – Anitha again.

'Thanks for volunteering on my behalf Ani'. He sounds distraught and hangs his head.

'Do you have any idea how needy Priya is? I am going to be having a second job'.

I had not been hanging out much with Naren off late. I am not as close with him as I was once. I don't know if I should take that as a not-so-serious teasing note or take that as a hint. I am so not good at this.

'Don't worry Naren, I will be very very reasonable' – there, that sounded diplomatic.

'This is new for you isn't it? You seem very uncertain'. Vivek, dude, I would appreciate if you kept your observations to yourself.

'Naa.. Pri is never uncertain, she was one of the most certain people that I met in college, that too at that age...'

Right, maybe I was in college. Not now definitely. I sigh.

'Guys, can you stop grilling her, just because you are all bored, you shouldn't pick on her' – Aditya says and Anitha is nodding.

I don't like this either. Did I look that helpless? I sigh again.

But, we managed to get better as dinner progressed. I was educated on the layout of the apartment society. Anitha stayed with her friends fairly nearby and she invited me over to her place. Naren reminisced on some of our old times and had nice things to say about me. Vivek seemed to turn off his observations and started to look out of place again. This was evident ad noticeable to all as Aditya had an ongoing joke about Vivek being switched on and off and that he was off now.

I ended up being convinced of staying there the night watching movies with them and listening to them telling embarrassing stories about each other; after all, I don't have a good mattress to sleep on, they have a sofa bed just for these stay overs and Anitha decided to keep me company.

There is a small voice in the corner of my mind, ridiculously informing me that my parents wouldn't like this, I was staying over at a bunch of guys' place. Well, the small voice can keep saying that, it wouldn't change anything.

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4 

Episode 4

I feel like somehow this is a big moment in my life although all I am really doing is provide an explanation for a supposedly huge past moment.

I am walking back to the coffee shop, I am nervous, I am sweating bullets. I go in not sure what condition I will find Karthik in if I find him. I have been almost cruel with him and I had previously agreed to marry him. I surprise myself sometimes.

I find him still seated on the table we were at slowly sipping his coffee. He was looking straight ahead but you know that his eyes were not really focused on anything around him; he was having an internal dialogue. Wonderful! I don't know if I should wait it out. But if I wait, I might lose my conviction to make an honest try in explaining things to him. So I move forward, stand in front of him. It takes almost a minute for him to realize my presence.

He just looks at me. No questions, no words. Okay. I might as well start. If he doesn't want to hear any of it he can go back to being unfocused and continue his internal dialogue. I don't mind at all.

'Karthik', I say, he just looks at me.

'I am sorry for how I behaved right now. It was not right.' nothing, still the same look. Well, he didn't ask me to stop.

'Honestly, I don't really know why I stopped our marriage Karthik. I mean, I don't have any real reason for me to say no to you. But, I don't know. I am doing a lot of things in my life without really meaning or wanting to do them. I was not sure if the marriage was one of those things. I didn't have a reason to say no, but I also didn't have a reason to say yes. That's why I stopped it Karthik. We met a couple of months back, but neither of us tried to talk and make it more. We were total strangers and the only reason I had agreed was because neither me nor my parents had a reason to think we will find someone better than you. But, I don't know if I want this. Does this make sense? It is not because I didn't like you. I did, I mean...', I don't want to tell him how good looking he was and I might have been smitten just a tiny teeny bit in the beginning, later without pheromones or whatever it did not last. I clear my throat.

'The thing is, I have a reached a point in life where I realize I am not a child anymore and there is nothing great going to happen in my future unless I make it happen. But, I am not sure what I am doing right now, I haven't figured it out and I don't think I ever will if I just get married. I don't know what it is that I should figure out either.I am not sure I should agree to do things when I am not sure if am making these decisions for the right reasons' that sounded like a non reason even to myself, but that is the truth. There, now I realized it myself, I have vocalized it, all be it to an almost stranger, but this has cleared my head too.

I look at him wondering if temporary deafness was a real thing. Can extreme rage make you go deaf? Looking at him, I don't get any clue as to whether he heard me let alone what he thought of it. I still sit patiently there. Who knew I have so much patience? I even start sipping my drink, it hadn't melted completely. Strangely, me sipping my drink seems to get a reaction out of him, his mouth turns down in lines of anger , disappointment or whatever, I tend to ignore when people throw all this negativity at me. But I sip the icy drink more now, it seems like the ice breaker. I guess I could be a satirist.

'Priya, thanks for explaining', nothing else to say? That was a little anti-climactic. Isn't he going to say what he thought of this? He is a sadistic, mean, jackass. He actually smiles. I have never seen him smile. He is kind of beautiful when he smiles. Okay, am I doing the right thing? Did anyone see that smile?

'Priya, I hope you find out what you want to find out.' he offers his hand. Is it weird that he uses my name in every sentence? I shake his hand. Phew, that went well.

'Shan could drop you home, we sort of made you come with us', he looks sheepish, a little guilty for forcing me come. Well, how did things turn around so much? Is he a good guy deep deep deep down?

Naa! A good guy might have apologized. We all know I am not someone who does things right, but still. More importantly, do I want to spend the next half hour with both Karthik and Shan in closed quarters? I am not a sadist, so I said no.

I catch an auto and the auto seemed like an omen to announce some big change in my life. I know it as soon as I get into the auto and replay my conversation with Karthik in my mind again. I come to a decision, but will it work?

I am home; I have just told my mother and father what I want. The discussion has been going on for a very long time and not progressed anywhere.

'Priya, is something happening in your life that you are not telling us? Why do you want to do this?' this from my dad. My mom hasn't spoken anything for or against, she had asked me pointed questions like why, what I planned to do and all that.

'No dad. I am just trying to think and find out, that is it. My biggest problem is I don't have anything big happening at all, and I don't even have plans to have something big happen'.

'So you want to move out? You will be living in the same city, but won't stay with us? It is kind of ridiculous. Why do you want to stay away from us when you need not?'

'I am not sure if I want this permanently. Give me a year; I want to live alone for a year. I want to know I can do it; I want to know what I want. Dad, please. I don't know if I can explain. I just know that I cannot live with you guys and grow up. You are a very big influence on me and I don't know myself'

'Why are you talking like an old grown-up person? You just stopped your marriage too you are really scaring me....'. 

'No dad. That is not really it. I have been doing what you guys expected of me for all these years. I don't know what I expect of myself. I haven't got even one part of my life that I am sure I wanted and worked towards it and done something in it'

My dad looks like he didn't get what I am telling him.

'But Priya, why now? What will you do living alone? What will people say if you stay in the same city but don't live with us? Have you thought about that?'

I hadn't. I don't know what to say to that.

'If I had got a job in a different place you would have sent me happily right?'

'Yes of course. But that is not the case you..', I stop him.

'Think of it as the same thing dad. I will come visit you every week. I will tell you more than what I tell you now what happens in my life.'

'You just won't be with us? I don't understand. That too a girl, I don't know why a girl wants to live alone'.

I just looked at him. As if I forget my gender every Tuesday. I look at my mom. I thought my dad was easier to convince. Right.

She finally decides to contribute to this conversation very concisely.

'Priya, there was a time in my life when I wanted to try things out on my own. It was a different time. Different generation. If you think it will help, you should go.'

My dad and I had identical expressions of shock on our faces. I was ready with a lot of points why this made sense and I control myself to not list them down. I go hug my mom and look pleadingly at my dad.

But I know when I have the upper hand. I leave them to their arguments, my dad shouting at my mom that she was mad and my mom telling him he was blind and Priya needed to live her own life and the argument kept going. That was an unexpected show of support from my mom. I had imagined going on a fast to convince my parents . That is why I started this after we had all had dinner; I wouldn't have gotten any food if it was before dinner.

This one was anti-climactic too, are things really this easy?

I go to my room. I call a couple of my friends who could help me find a place. My mom comes to my room, just stands by the door and tells me this-

'I hope you know what you are doing. I understand why you need to go away. But I trust you to find something useful from this. I also want you to remember, being independent doesn't mean you don't have to give up everyone else. It also doesn't mean you don't have to have discipline or limits.'

'Okay', my very eloquent answer. She shakes her head and just leaves my room. One can never find out what makes one's mother happy.

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3