Episode 21

‘I missed you’, Karthik says. It is around 10.30 in the night, and he just came to my place when I was all but ready for bed. I had come back from meeting him almost two and a half hours ago. I had come back to Naren’s where I had to spill it all for Anitha and since it isn’t a big house and no one else had better jobs to do, everyone else heard it too.

‘So romantic’, Anitha proclaimed.

‘I did not expect this from you’, said Naren. When asked why he said – ‘You are just too lazy and one might add spoiled and egoistic. It is a wonder you went all the way to him. I still can’t believe it.’

‘Well, I think Karthik is the kind of person who needs to feel he has worked at something. I feel you gave in easily. This might not have been a good idea’, this from Vivek.

Wasn’t he the one who told me I should just agree with whatever Karthik said? Excuse me? When I asked this, he said, ‘Well, I was in the middle of a level in my game’.

At this, not just me, everyone else looked at Vivek like he was ET.

Anitha just went on as if Vivek hadn’t spoken, ‘If there is a chance he might come, I think I should stay here’.

‘As if you need another excuse to stay here’, said Aditya pointing at them. At that instance Naren was sitting beside Anitha and he had an arm around her shoulder and he was holding one of her hands with his other hand.

That brings us here. Karthik walks in, looking spiffy if not slightly tired even at this time. I am sure I look like a patient and curse myself for not getting fixed up. My hair was sticking in all possible directions and I was wearing very old but comfy pyjamas. Well, not much can be done now.

‘Did you have dinner?’, I ask him.

He nods. I go into the kitchen to get him some water. He sits on my only couch and I go sit beside him. He drinks from the bottle and doesn’t waste any time. He turns towards me and I end up turning towards him to face him.

‘So.. What did you want to talk about?’

‘What?’, since I was a little lost in observing the man in front of me, I did not make a connection as to what he meant.

‘You told me we had to talk? Remember?’

‘Oh yeah. I do’, I say but remain silent. Karthik looks at me to make any statement, since I don’t, he picks up my left hand in his right one.

‘Ya?’, he prompts.

‘You went incommunicado. That wasn’t right. We have to talk to resolve any problems. Not talking won’t help in anything.  You went off like that for almost three days.’

Karthik sighs, but doesn’t respond. ‘I sent you so many messages. I called you so many times’. I remind him how I was a good girl and kept the communication lines open.

‘I was just too pissed. I was worried I might say something that would cause more damage Priya.’

Hmmm. I get it. ‘Okay. I hope this is the last time. I can’t promise you I won’t fight over things you unwittingly say when pissed. But I don’t like being left hanging. It was just tooo…’, I look for the right word.

‘Rude?’, he prompts.

I shake my head. ‘More like uncaring’.

‘Sorry Priya. I didn’t mean to do it. Point noted. I will try very very hard not to repeat it. Is that okay?’

I nod. ‘Also, I am not uncaring. Never with you.’

Ohhh. I am going to take that as he cares very much for and about me. Before I say anything else, he moves forward, drops my hand. His hand moves up to my jaw, lifts my face a tiny bit, he leans forward and then –

Holy Shit. He kisses me. This is not the brush of lips that stunned me before. This is a real kiss that leaves me breathless and fuzzy brained. I still keep thinking, yes, finally, a kiss.

‘Wow’, I say out aloud. ‘That.. That was just unexpected’. He moves back a bit so I take a deep breath and lick my lips. Before I can recover, he kisses me again.

‘I could get used to this’, I say when he stops. It must have been the right thing to say because he kisses me again.

I just can’t seem to shut up. ‘You just kissed me. Like three times.’

I look at him trying to get out of the fog. I mean, wow. I can feel a tingle all along my nerve endings and this is just a kiss.

‘I was going for the speechless effect. But you keep talking’, he says, chuckling.

Well, I talk more when am drunk, so this sort of seems normal. ‘Yup, figures.’

‘Figures?’

‘No, I was thinking I normally am very loquacious when high. So… you know figures’

‘You are high? And did you just say loquacious?’

‘Probably, I also tend to tune to a higher level of vocabulary when high’

‘Yup. Of course’, he says, his eyes holding something I am unable to decipher.

‘What are you thinking?’, I ask.

Karthik pulls my hand into his and his thumb starts making circles on my palm.

‘That I like your reaction’

‘My reaction? To what?’

‘To my not talking to you, to my kiss’

Since I am bravery-challenged I say the following – ‘Let us talk about the kisses’, it is easy to discuss it than the other.

Karthik laughs.

‘Why are you laughing?’

‘I just got reminded of one of your texts, where you said you were angry and informed me you would not be talking to me or even texting me, by way of text’.

He laughs again. ‘Hey. That is no laughing matter. I believe in letting the other party know what my inner turmoils are’. Karthik decides to laugh some more.

‘Anyways, what I am trying to say is, I did not expect you will come looking for me.’, he picks up my hand and places a fleeting kiss on the backside of my hand. God, this same guy refused to talk to me yesterday? I pull my hand back.

He understands my reaction this time though. ‘I am really really sorry Priya. I knew I should not have been avoiding you. I was worried that you were not into this and I had to clear my head. I had taken a lot of things for granted and I was.. Well.. Honestly I was a bit reserved about the outcome.’

I have to give him points for this little speech. If I am reading the subtext correctly, I hear that he was scared that I might end this. But he isn’t admitting that he is scared. Karthik’s of the world are too macho.

I guess the slowly budding comfort and intimacy prompts me to do the next, I just raise my head and pinch his nose playfully and say in a baby voice, ‘Aww.. You were scared weren’t you?’.

‘What? Naaa.. I wasn’t scared. I mean why should I be? Anyways, as I was saying, I was surprised seeing you there. I mean, I didn’t think you would try’

‘Why wouldn’t I try?’

‘You haven’t exactly displayed pro-active behavior when it comes to us. So, I thought I have to figure out what and if I should do something.’

‘Hmmm’, I am not sure what to say to that.

‘As for the kiss, it is very entertaining that you got high’. He picks up my hand again.

‘Entertaining?’

‘Yup. Funny as hell. Loquacious’, he says and laughs again.

‘Well I thought you would want to know.. But since I am that funny, I probably shouldn’t tell you’

‘Tell me what?’

I shrug. I can play this game too.

‘Come on. What is it babe?’. He smiles too.

Shit. He called me babe and smiles the smile that makes my innards melty-gooey. Shit, my vocabulary just took a plunge.

‘Ummm.. nothing?’, I sound unsure to myself.

He holds both my hands in both his hands and looks into my eyes with feeling.

‘Priya. Tell me what you want to say’

God. How did he do that? I don’t have any inhibitions or reservations all of a sudden even though I am extremely worried about feeding his smugness.

‘Nuh’, is all I manage.

‘Babe’, he says.

‘That was my first kiss’. Karthik looks surprised.

‘You mean with me?’

‘I wish’

‘You are saying, no one has ever kissed you before?’

I nod. ‘How come?’

‘Well.. I know I feel like go with the flow kind of person at times. But I am not that person always. I don’t think I can kiss someone just for the sake of kissing. I need to feel that connection and have feelings before…’, well I don’t complete the statement. I am sure he gets it. He looks smug as hell and wears a certain sense of accomplishment about him. Right. Here I was, trying to not add to his already inflated ego. Well done Priya.

‘I don’t think I have complaints against that’, he says.

I didn’t think so. ‘I know your ego doesn’t need more fuel’.

He chuckles. ‘So you told me what you feel about me’

‘Yeah?’

‘I didn’t tell how I feel’

Oh.. He has to? I am not very keen on more labeling.

‘What? Not interested?’

‘Not entirely’

Karthik looks suddenly serious. ‘Priya, you need to know this. For all intents and purposes, I see you in only one way.’

Ohhh. I just look at him the obvious question written across my face.

‘You are mine.’

I am still sitting, but my knees wobble nevertheless. A thrill and a shiver both run through me. I can’t hide from such a direct declaration, can I?

‘Priya?’

I am terrified after the initial state of happy thoughts. I am his? Who talks like that?

‘I see I have scared you again.’

I remain silent. Yes, I am terrified still. ‘I am not a thing you know. I am…’

‘Babe, any other term is just a sugar coat. I can call you my girlfriend. It is just another way of saying it’.

‘I did not realize you are this possessive’, I must have known, that explains why I did not want to hear his feelings for me. I am probably the only girl in this world who doesn’t want a label or to DTR.

‘I am not planning on possessing. I am letting you know, you belong to me. You are with me. Just like I…’, he begins to say. I stop him.

‘Umm… I know we just had a fight on similar lines. Karthik, you need to understand. I am not there yet.’

He nods. ‘Babe. You are there. You just don’t wanna feel like you are there. I respect that too.’

What? How did this happen?

‘Why? Why do you want to make this all final and .. and so very permanent and like no other choice... I mean…’

‘Why not?’. He sounds slightly irritated.

‘You know the problem we have in this country? If two people are together we see that there is only one possibility for them.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Let’s say we get married… Say after a few years we change bit by bit. Suddenly one day I wake up and realize I don’t like the changed you. Would you want to give me a divorce?’

‘What?’

‘We aren’t even living together. What if you found out I have some annoying habit and it just drives you crazy and you can’t stop thinking about it and one day you just feel you would do anything to not see me being that annoying?’

‘Babe’

‘I somehow feel I am going to be a nagger. I think I am going to nag you to death. Have you thought about that? Have you?’

Suddenly Karthik sort of shakes me by holding my shoulders.

‘Calm down’

‘No Karthik. I can’t. You just told me I am yours. I mean, people say I love you. They say things like you are the best person to spend my life with. People don’t say you are mine. Who says that? Karthik, you are probably crazy.’

He now holds me tight into some sort of a weird hug given our positions and just lets me ramble. ‘Karthik, I am not very happy with your oral hygiene. That is a big no. I mean you stayed over, but I don’t recall you brushing, but you had coffee. Karthik, that is a big no. What if you don’t listen to me and one day I wake up to see you having coffee without brushing and I decide that is it. I can’t be with such a man? I mean.. What if’, I am breathing heavy and I probably flailed. Karthik gives me another teeth chattering shake.

‘Priya listen to me.’

When I still look like I am going to ramble more, he pulls me back and actually puts a finger on my lips.

‘Babe. I promise you. If any of the above things happen, I promise you I will break up with you, I will divorce you if we are married.’

Ohhh. Good. I can breathe a little bit.

‘Are you sure? I am trusting you Karthik. Please don’t let me down.’

‘Well I won’t. I am telling you, I am never going to get bored. I mean, who asks for such wonderful promises at the beginning of a relationship? The normal people I know make promises of a totally different nature.’

Right. He was being sarcastic. Doesn’t my panic look real?

‘I am serious. I need to know I can get out anytime I want’

‘Okay okay. Give me a minute, I have to remind myself why I like you.’

Huh? He isn’t taking this seriously at all. I narrow my eyes at him.

‘What? I don’t like that I have to promise to divorce you if things aren’t going well. I am more than ready to promise that I will be by your side whatever happens’.

‘What is wrong with promising both? You will be by my side when I need it and leave me when I don’t?’, Okay that doesn’t sound good.

I hold up a finger, ‘Wait I will rephrase that. What I mean is, you can promise to be by my side as long as you and I feel that way.’, does this sound better?

Karthik stands up. He folds his arms across his chest. He then drops them and starts pacing here and there. Okay. I can wait.

‘Why don’t you want this to be permanent? What is the real problem here?’

‘Well… Life is ever changing and we are just starting. Why to tie ourselves and say things now and resent them later?’, it sounds completely stupid.

‘You are not a good liar. You are also not the kind of person who can hide what she feels for more than five minutes. Tell me.’

‘Karthik’, I say, unsure what else to say. ‘Okay, I am a little worried that I might become a completely different person because of.. of you.. this relationship.. I mean I like the way I am. I know it sounds stupid, but somewhere down the line I don’t want to lose myself to you. I see all these people who change after a relationship or a marriage and I am not saying all of the changes are bad.. But.. I don’t want to be unrecognizable few years later’

‘People change Priya or some new part of them comes out, they grow. That is a fact.’

‘Ya.. But.. You ask anyone I know, no one would have believed I came to see you at your office actually. Even though I felt I am not at fault, I came to you. I don’t do things like that Karthik. I am a stubborn jerk who doesn’t admit to anything, who doesn’t try to keep people in her life. You yourself didn’t believe it. I am not…’

He shakes his head. ‘You are the most confusing person ever. Listen to me Priya, you didn’t change. Probably that part of you never came out.’

Okay. And? Karthik comes and sits down beside me. He turns and holds both my hands in his.

‘Instead of promising all those other things, what if I promised you, that I will never let you lose yourself? I will always always try to let you be you?’

I mull that over in my head. It sounded fair. I couldn’t help myself. I go in for a hug.

‘That works Karthik.’, I say. It is most definitely the perfect thing for him to say.

I feel him shaking his head. ‘What have I gotten myself into?’, he mutters and sighs.

I laugh. ‘Well, at least you know now. Imagine what would have happened if we were married. You would have been completely blindsided.’

‘Right. It isn’t that consoling a thought’, he says.

‘I need to go now Babe. It is pretty late.’, he gets up.

I sigh and nod.

‘Bye Karthik’.

He kisses me again, and since I am standing up, my knees do wobble dangerously. I have to break the kiss to keep myself from falling on my ass.

Karthik looks at my face and as if happy seeing what he saw there, nods and leaves.

I do not want him to leave.

Shit. What have I gotten myself into?

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4  Episode 5  Episode 6  Episode 7  Episode 8 Episode 9 Episode 10 Episode 11 Episode 12 Episode 13 Episode 14 Episode 15 Episode 16 Episode 17 Episode 18 Episode 19 Episode 20

Episode 20

I try calling back a billion times. I texted in all possible means – normal text message, mobile messaging apps, social media chats etc. No response though. He is online or seen recently or has actually read my message but Karthik refuses to respond. The first few hours I was frantic, I wanted him to respond, it was as if the next moment depended on him responding. Stupid, but that is how I felt.

Anitha advised me not to get obsessed and to leave it be for the immediate future and probably really think about what Karthik said and resolve things myself and make an honest attempt at talking to him. Right. Things aren’t right in Priya-dom. I am obsessed that he is not responding. I sent lot of touchy texts, if it were me receiving those texts, I would have done much more than just respond. But the Karthiks of the world are made of sterner stuff. Damn.

I do admire the stern and focused and probably ruthless Karthik. But when all that is directed at me and is working against me, not so much. Where is the romantic in him when one needs it really? I get chills just recollecting the iciness in his voice when we were speaking.

Sue me if I did not want to think about the seriousness or the finality of this relationship. I don’t know why, but just the thought that this is it, he is most definitely the one gives me palpitations. I try to make him understand, again, via texts, but what do ya know, he doesn’t respond for the explanations as well.

Okay, so I asked him to please respond, I then begged because I am that desperate when frantic, then I sent messages quoting just how much he means to me and how much I miss him, I sent messages that explain just what is going on in my mind, the guy is uniformly not swayed by anything and it has been two days. So, I end up doing the only thing I can now. I get angry on Karthik. Of course, since there is no way for him to know I am angry, I send him a message to ensure he knows for which he doesn’t respond and so I stop trying.

But am I constantly thinking about Karthik? Yes. Am I angry? Yes. Why? Because I miss Karthik and he can’t give a shit about it. Maybe I shouldn’t give a shit about it too. I could try, at least.

I am home after a grueling day of bug fixing and testing at work and I am going to try. I am going to Naren’s today, anyways since Anitha and Naren made up, she goes over there all the time and even cooks for Naren et al. If she hadn’t brought me food yesterday and the day before, I would have had to rethink her living situation.

I freshen up, stalk Karthik on social media keenly looking for any sign that he has been having a horrible time and is truly depressed. But hardly any updates from him, which is fine, as he isn’t too active on social media. Or, he is especially away as he is depressed. Truth is, probably nothing has changed for him, no impact and thus no updates. I try not to obsess but since I cannot do it on my own I decide to go to Naren’s, much earlier than usual, that is, much before dinner time.

I text Anitha where I am headed as she isn’t back from work yet and lock up and leave. I go to Naren’s place but find only Vivek, who is playing what looks like a super high end game on a console connected to their super huge television. Right, not entirely unexpected. He politely stops playing as I get there and sit down on their couch and just look ahead clearly communicating without talking that something is wrong.

‘You are early’, he says.

‘Yup’, I say, don’t elaborate, but sigh.

‘That is not a happy sigh Priya.’

I show my agreement with a nod.

‘What happened Priya?’. Vivek always used proper sentences, never shortening anything, you could sometime hear the commas, question marks and semi colons when he speaks, even the colons, believe me.

‘Nothing really. Want coffee? I want some, can make.’, I on the other hand, do not enjoy forming full sentences.

‘I would like that’, he says.

We both go into their kitchen and I start making coffee and end up recollecting the time I made coffee when Karthik had come over here. Brilliant. If we reconciled, I am going to have a private place completely disconnected from Karthik, so I can be by myself without getting reminded of him if we get into such a situation again.

I make coffee in silence and Vivek just stands by me leaning on their kitchen counter in silence. Okay. Not in mood to entertain him.

‘So’, he says.

‘So?’

‘So what is it?’

‘What is what?’

He sighs. ‘Priya come on. What is bothering you?’

‘Why? Does it look like something is bothering me?’. As if.

He snickers, yes he does. ‘Priya, you all but have a beacon around your neck that is somehow also screaming “Help me”’.

What? I do not. So I don’t respond.

I am done with the coffee and he picks his cup and leaves the kitchen, I follow him.

We sip in silence. Not awkward. At all.

‘It is Anitha isn’t it? You girls got into a fight?’.

‘Nope’.

‘Parents giving you trouble?’

What? ‘Nope’.

‘Job?’, I just shake my head for this guess.

‘Well what else can it be?’, he scrunches his face up in mock concentration like the one all scientists in all movies wear before a eureka moment.

‘Right. Karthik’.

I couldn’t stop the sigh.

He makes the following statement in the most inopportune moment ever. ‘You guys were going too fast if you ask me.’

I know right? I shrug.

‘You are not going to talk about it?’

‘Not gonna talk about it.’

‘Thank God’, he says. Okay.

‘I wanna talk about it’.

‘Oh no.’

‘I probably have to tell him how I feel.. Am just wondering how and what..’

‘Yup okay. Don’t tell me though.’

‘I like him Vivek. I just am not sure how to tell him that I do like him but I am not ready to see this as a permanent thing yet?’

‘I don’t think I should advise you on this’

‘How do I vocalize this?’

‘Exactly what you said just now’

‘Isn’t that too direct?’

‘I don’t think I should advise you on this’

‘Vivek, come on man. Help me. Please’, I look at him, puppy dog eyes on full display. He sighs.

‘You shouldn’t tell him what you feel, because frankly, it makes no sense. You should make him say what he feels and agree to it. He is more sensible. Better let him take the lead.’

‘Huh?’. Yup, right. I deserved this for asking Vivek for advice on earthly happenings.

‘No I really mean it. You are not making sense at all. Not even a little bit.’

Okay. That is just stupid and honestly it hurt a bit. But all this talking about Karthik also reminded me of him and I miss him with a vengeance all of a sudden. My resolve at not contacting him again becomes sub-zero in its magnitude.

‘Excuse me’, I tell Vivek and leave to their balcony to call Karthik.

I have no hopes that he will answer, but I dial anyway. The ring goes on for quite some time, when am about to hang up I hear a very low ‘What?’.

Oh wow okay. I did not prepare on what to speak. Uh oh.

‘Karthik?’

‘Yup. What?’

He is just being rude.

‘Karthik I want to talk to you.’

He remains silent. I am not sure what else to do so I go on. ‘I have missed you Karthik. Let us please meet. I…’. he cuts me at this point.

‘Have you decided Priya?’

‘Umm.. I.. Karthik.. I mean I need some…’, before I can finish that sentence he hangs up.

Damn. Now I am pissed. I did not do any mistake. I did not do anything actually.

I go back home losing the interest to interact with anyone or to even eat. I settle in for a nice night of moping and moping is what I do. I am pissed, but still I am moping too.

Finally feeling a bit too revved up to just retire, I call a cab, then google his office address and go there.

His office looks way too professional and I feel like a complete fool in a v-neck and flip flops. Well, I reached already, can’t turn back now. I go to the reception and see this extremely trim and handsome male receptionist. How refreshing, to see a handsome young male receptionist. I go to him with a big smile pasted on my face which got pasted automatically, I mean, the guy is handsome.

‘Hi’

‘Hello there. How may I help you?’, he responds in a high and shrill voice. What a disappointment, it is like watching a stud on a super sexy Harley and he honks and the horn sounds like something that belongs on a tiny pink scooty.

Well, since this is beside the point soI go straight on ahead, ‘I am here for a Karthik Ranganath. I am expected actually’.

‘Oh is it. May I ask who and what for?’

‘I am Swathi, I am here for an interview?’

I did not sound authentic. ‘Sure, I will contact him for you’, he says as if Karthik is used to receiving women in flip flops after office hours and interviewing them. He makes a call and I hear him mentioning a Swathi is here for interview.

‘Yes Ms.Swathi, he isn’t aware of the appointment, but he will be right with you. Please have a seat’, he says pointing at plush, black leather chairs. I go and seat myself on one chair and wait for Karthik, madly tapping away my feet ignoring the receptionist’s pointed look at my feet a couple of times.

After what feels like a couple of eons Karthik finally arrives at the lobby from my left and hence doesn’t notice me as he walks directly to the reception desk. The receptionist then asks him something and points at me and Karthik starts walking towards the general area I am seated in, before really looking at me. He only looks at me halfway through as he is busy scanning something on his phone. He stops, his whole body freezing up when he looks at me finally. Man, he looks good. Did I mention just how tall and handsome and broad shouldered Karthik was? He is. I give an inner groan to myself at the sight of him. Okay, I have it bad for him. I could acknowledge that.

Karthik has taken the time I stand ogling him to reach where I am.

He puts a hand on my elbow, not uttering a word, just ushers me out of the huge glass door I walked in first. Right. He is in his bossy mode. I sigh. We walk until we reach a cafeteria kind of place. He points at a table for me to sit down and goes to one of the many counters that are seen. He comes back with two cans of soft drinks and places one in front of me, I don’t drink sodas so I don’t bother. He opens his can, sits in front of me and downs almost half of it. Okay, wow, I know drinking a fizzy one that fast is pretty difficult. If it were me, I would have got a brain-freeze even though it doesn't look too cold. 

‘Karthik?’

‘I was in the middle of my work Priya.’

‘I am sorry, I didn’t think.. I…’

‘You came here after hours. What if I wasn’t here?’

‘You are a bit of a workaholic, so I knew you would still be here’

He sighs.

‘Okay. Tell me, what is it.’

‘I want us to stop fighting Karthik.’

‘We are not fighting Priya’, he is right though. We aren’t even speaking. I sigh now. I look at him, try to judge his mood, but the man is unreadable. Damn.

‘Karthik, I like you Karthik. A lot. I have it bad for you’, his face seems to gain a bit of its natural animation now.

‘I want us to be together and I want to see where it goes. But don’t ask me to tell my parents or to think about marriage. If I knew I wanted to marry you very clearly, I wouldn’t have stopped the marriage. I know things have changed, we know each other to some extent now. But that doesn’t mean we have to say that this thing is leading to marriage already. I mean…’

‘What you mean is, you don’t want to think about marrying me now?’

‘Nope. That is where the misunderstanding is. What I mean is, I don’t want to think about marrying now. We did not talk about it. You suddenly say you want to talk to my parents and I.. I panicked.’

Karthik swigs the rest of the soft drink from his can and I move the can sitting in front of me towards him. Does he know these aerated soft drinks had too many calories and lot of caffeine?

‘Not sure what you want me to do here’, he says.

‘Umm… I …. I mean, we should do what we have been doing and see where it goes.. I…’

‘Why do you panic every time?’

‘It is not because of you or anything you do. I am not prepared. I am not sure. I have…’, again, I get cut short.

‘I don’t understand Priya. You don’t want to call me your boyfriend. You don’t want to tell your parents about us. What do you want me to do?’, he repeats his question.

Okay. I have to do something.

‘Okay, I agree you are my boyfriend’, I stutter a bit around the word, looks like I have a problem with these labels. But honestly, boyfriend is just an inadequate word.

‘Because that is the socially accepted word. But I want you to know that what I feel and the term boyfriend don’t really add up.’

‘Oh really?’, he says, he leans back and crosses his arms across his chest too.

‘I feel connected to you. I care for you, I want to spend much more time with you. I want to share with you. I am not sure if I should feel so attached, but every time I see you I feel less and less unsure. I…’, I pause. I am not sure what else to say.

Karthik just leans back a bit more, drops his arms, even relaxes his shoulders. He still doesn’t say anything.

I wait. Something tells me, I have to wait now, let him do the thinking. After a couple of hours of silence or probably just seconds, he finally leans forward, towards me.

‘Okay.’, he says.

What? Okay? I am extremely disappointed with this reaction.

So I nod. Well, I can be minimalistic too.

Karthik smiles. ‘I wish you had told me all this any place other than my office.’

Ohhh. ‘Why?’

‘Well, when a girl tells such things to a guy, the guy feels like he should be able to kiss the girl, so that she is completely not unsure’.

Ohhhhhh. Wasn’t I pissed? I mean, didn’t he handle this all incorrectly. I had some important point about him not communicating. Right now, all I can think is his eyes were on me, looking into my eyes and his eyes were communicating something that seems very essential. I try to figure out what he is saying and some primal part of me seems to be getting it and even liking the message.

I feel his hand on mine and when I try to form coherent thoughts, the shrill ring of his phone cuts through the bubble we wrapped ourselves in.

Damn, cell phones.

He answers the phone makes a couple of 'mmm' sounds and finally says 'I will be right there.'
Not fair at all. I pout.
'Sorry babe. I really don't want to go, but I really have to.', he sighs, squeezes my closed fist on the table.
He gets up so I do too. He gives me a half hug, 'How are you going back? How did you reach here by the way?'.
'I took a cab, will take one back too.'
'Call me once you reach okay?', there seems to be real concern in his voice. I nod.
'I will try to come by tonight, might not be possible, but I will try', I nod again. He gives me a three fourth hug now, kind of lingering on it. 'We are at our work place you know', I joke. He chuckles as if my comment deserves a chuckle. 'You try to come. We are not done talking you know.', he nods. I hope I am up though, I stayed up texting some unresponsive people for a couple of days.
'Bye Priya', he says and leaves me.

Well. That went well.

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4  Episode 5  Episode 6  Episode 7  Episode 8 Episode 9 Episode 10 Episode 11 Episode 12 Episode 13 Episode 14 Episode 15 Episode 16 Episode 17 Episode 18 Episode 19

Episode 19

It is weekend and I am at my parents’ place. First order of business, I recite everything except of course my life sounds routine and normal and extremely boring when I omit all the bits about Karthik. Wow, doesn’t that say something. I know that Sravan is going to pop into the conversation anytime now and I am just abiding my time. I enjoy being pampered though. My dad gets all sentimental and makes me feel guilty and then I have to remind myself that there is nothing to be guilty about. My mom keeps asking if I am getting anywhere with anything. Well, my mom has always been the practical one in the family.

It takes my dad almost four hours from the time I came home to bring Sravan up. You remember Sravan? My dad’s best friend’s overachieving prodigal son?

‘Really Priya ma. I don’t understand only. I can’t even ask you. This Sravan’, he says shaking his head in disbelief, ‘I don’t know what chemistry is. He says he doesn’t feel chemistry with you. Apparently you feel like only a friend. These days you guys just have too many preferences…’.

Ohh.. Sravan did not feel chemistry? Is that his great excuse?

‘He said that? That there is no chemistry?’, I had to laugh.

‘Yes Priya. It has become like this reality show, he talks about chemistry, vibe and all that.’, this from my Mom.

I know I might have felt a bit of the chemistry if Karthik wasn’t in the picture, he does have memorable forearms.

‘Sorry Priya. I shouldn’t have brought him like that to your house and then he said he isn’t interested. You should have been here, this might not have happened’, my dad sounds guilty. He also has the habit of trying to depict how all my life would be better if I were still living with my parents.

I should thank Sravan. If he hadn’t said what he had said, I would be hearing why I don’t deserve Sravan and why I am an idiot in all categories of idiocy known to man for rejecting Sravan.

‘Sravan is very sweet dad. Don’t feel bad about it’.

‘Ohh.. You are not angry with him or anything?’

I shake my head. ‘Okay. He and Sarathy are coming in the evening for some coffee and snacks.’, this statement meant that they are coming to meet and spend time with us but are not staying late or for dinner.

I would like to meet Sravan.

‘Oh great, I can meet Sarathy uncle too.’

My dad positively beams and asks me to go and rest. Right, like I did something too tiring.

‘Rest? Priya, help me clean up the kitchen’, says my mom. Right. I follow her to the kitchen.

We start putting things away. ‘So, what is happening?’.

‘Nothing mom. Just work and friends’

‘I can say for sure that there is more…’

‘No mom, not really’

‘It’s Naren isn’t it? Or that guy Aditya?’

What? ‘No mom. Naren has a girlfriend’.

‘Hmmm.. okay. Don’t tell me. But I know something is different.’

My mom did this always, to make me say things. I stopped falling for it since my mid-teen years.

‘I am a bit relieved though. Sravan is a good looking boy, well settled. But I don’t think you would have gotten along with Jamuna’, Jamuna of course, is Sravan’s mother. If you didn’t get the subtext, my mom hated her.

‘I would have gotten along with her mom’, I tease. She just ignores me.

That is when I get a call, I see who it is, and it is Karthik. I let the call go.

My mom looks at the phone pointedly. ‘I know something is going on’.

‘It’s just some unknown number’

‘I can always tell when you are lying Priya’. This wasn’t true always, but at this particular instance it is true. I get a call again, ‘I have to take this mom’,  I say and move away. Yes, I make an escape. It is Karthik again. I go to my old room to take the call.

‘Hey’, he says.

‘Hey’

‘What’s up?’

‘At home, I mean my parents’, had great food sometime back and was talking to mom and dad, you?’

‘At home, but working…’

‘Oh no. No solution yet?’

‘We have an approach, working on it..’

‘Poor guy you’

‘Ya.. Very poor guy. What is the rest of the day looking like?’

‘Good. There are going to be guests. Sravan and his father’

‘Sravan?’

‘Ya, dad’s best friend’s son’

‘That Sravan?’

‘He is just visiting, we are a pretty close family kind families..’

Karthik sighs. ‘Why is it that you are always surrounded by guys?’

‘That is so not true.’. I can actually visualize him shaking his head.

‘I wanted to meet you today….’

‘Sorry.. I cannot get away from this..’

‘Okay, I will call you later again?’

‘Okay, take rest Karthik. You sound overworked’, he chuckles, but hangs up. My room hasn’t been changed. I spend some time hanging out in my room texting Anitha. She is spending the weekend at my place and is nervous about the talk with Naren.

Sravan and Sarathy uncle arrive. I am hurriedly called out of my room.

‘Hi uncle, hi Sravan’.

‘Hi Priya. You are looking so sweet. How are you? Look at her Sravan’, Sarathy uncle says. Sweet? I look sweet?

‘Hi Priya. Yes, you look sweet’, he says, jokingly. I roll my eyes at him.

‘I am fine uncle. How are you? How is aunty?’

‘All good Priya. Why are you living by yourself and struggling ma? You should be with your parents. You are an only daughter’. Right.

‘No uncle I…’

‘You shouldn’t be like this ma. But these days you people never listen to your parents.’

Right. I look at Sravan. Sravan is grinning outright. He has on a deep blue tee shirt and dark jeans and most of his toned and muscled arms are visible to the naked eye. I quickly look back at my dad. He is nodding along for whatever else his friend is saying, so I turn to my mom, she is actually observing Sravan with a thoughtful look on her face so I look back to him and he is still looking at me with a grin on his face.

Sravan, you idiot, no chemistry remember, stop looking at me with interest? I try telepathy which for some unknown reason doesn’t seem to work.

‘I talk to her and she isn’t even focusing on me. Krishna, I don’t know how you handle her’.

‘No uncle, I am listening to you’, but Mr.Sarathy isn’t anywhere near done. I am sure this is the effect of my dad unloading his disappointment about me to his friend. So I keep quiet. Growing up, Sarathy uncle was always scary, he still is. I sneak a look at Sravan, he gives a small nod and manages to give me a look that translates into a reassuring pat. I look at him with what I assume is my puppy-dog-eye look, which works apparently -

‘Dad, I actually happen to respect Priya for this. This is her decision dad’, he says. So maybe it did not work either, I look at my mom, she has a frown on her face and is still keenly observing Sravan. Unable to communicate with a look unlike Sravan, I send him a stronger mental pulse to not show anything that would be misconstrued as chemistry, but it still doesn’t reach him. Damn, I wish I had super powers. Since I don’t, this is what I do,

‘Coffee?’, I ask to no one in particular and walk away not even waiting for response, to make coffees. They will all drink it whether they like it or not.

I make coffee for everyone including a strong one for myself and hope that my mom doesn’t come in. Luckily she doesn’t. I of course can’t stop thinking of how very similar to a bride seeing scenario of an arranged marriage this whole coffee thing is.         

I take the coffee and place it on the coffee table, grabbing one for myself and sitting down. My mom gets up to offer coffee to the guests while glaring at me. Apparently, they can’t be bothered to lean forward and pick a cup.

‘So as we were talking, looks like you guys should just spend some time together. I don’t think you had enough time last time to decide…’, says my mom. What about Jamuna aunty?

I had coffee in my mouth and I struggle a lot not to spray it on everyone. I look at Sravan, he shrugs.

‘What?’, I look at my dad.

‘You are right Prema’, says my dad. I hope Sarathy uncle disapproves of me, so I look at him.

‘I don’t understand this chemistry concept. You met her for what five minutes?’, says he to his son.

Crap.

‘You guys want to go out now? There is a coffee shop some five minutes’ drive from here’, my dad prompts. ‘Priya ma, take my scooty, Sravan can’t drive here, and you don’t know to drive a car, you never learnt’. What? I look at Sravan, it looks like his eyes are going to bug out of his eye sockets any second now.

Before I know, I am taking my dad’s helmet, as it is mandatory to wear a helmet, I am starting my scooty and Sravan is standing by my gate, looking embarrassed as all hell. He wordlessly hops on and I can’t help but think he is heavy.

‘I am sorry’, I tell him. He sighs. ‘I did not think this will happen’.

We reach the coffee shop and I park. I leave the helmet and adjust my hair in the rear view mirror, Sravan observes me for the entire time, making me conscious.

We start walking in together. ‘Your mom was always shrewd’, he says.

‘I tried to warn you’

‘You did?’.

‘Yep, telepathically’. Yes, I said that aloud and in a serious tone.

Sravan laughs. ‘You are silly’, he says. Right. I feel much complimented.

We sit and order drinks. I ask for some green apple fizz drink and he orders for espresso. My god, he drinks espresso, just thinking about the bitterness of an espresso brings out goose bumps.

‘You are nervous?’, he asks.

‘What? No?’

‘You have goose bumps’

‘Ohh.. I was thinking how bitter an espresso will be’, I reply honestly.

‘I am nervous though’

‘What? Why?’

‘You really like that guy? Love him?’

‘Sorry, what?’

‘I like you. If you are interested, I want to see if there is something between us.’

What?

‘Sorry. I am used to the western way. People tend to be direct and quick in these things back there’

I sigh. What is with this sudden influx of very eligible men in my life?

‘You are going back soon aren’t you?’

‘I can work from home, my job is flexible enough. Of course I can’t work from here indefinitely, but I can talk to my supervisor and figure something out. I haven’t taken even a sick day in the last four years so I have a lot of leaves anyways’

‘You would do that? If I asked you to?’

‘Priya. I will be honest. I came here with the intention of getting engaged if not married. I was blackmailed into it of course, but by the time I came, I was resolved. We know each other. I want to give this a try. But….you told me that you guys were just exploring too. I don’t see a problem if you decide explore with me.’ What? What is this guy saying? Did you all hear the same thing that I heard?

I try to answer and get interrupted by a call. It is Karthik. I take the call in an attempt to escape again.

‘Hi Karthik’, I say.

‘Hi. So? How is it going?’

‘What?’

‘Your dad’s best friend’s son’

‘Ohh.. It is going fine’, shit, I think.

Karthik remains silent for a second. ‘He is there isn’t he? Sitting right in front of you?’

‘No Karthik. Why would you think that?’.

‘Give the phone to him’

‘You are mad. I am doing no such thing. I am not giving the phone to him’, I again make the mistake of saying this aloud which I had to, so not really a mistake just misfortune and Sravan looks at me his eyes translating into a question mark. He then stretches his hand for the phone. ‘You are mad too’, I say pointing it at him. ‘Give the phone to him Priya’, Karthik says.

Okay, if that will solve my problem, then so be it. I hand over my phone to Sravan.

I try to hear what Karthik is saying, but all I can hear is only Sravan’s side of the conversation.

‘Maybe’, Sravan says. After a minute or so, he laughs, all while my heart is beating heavily and loudly.

‘You don’t know that’, Sravan says, pauses, looks at me and goes, ‘She probably doesn’t herself’. What?

‘She is here, in a coffee shop with me’, Sravan says further on.

‘What is going on?’, I ask him.

‘Can you really?’, Sravan asks and looks at me, grins. What the hell? I have no idea what is going on and I am pissed off. So I do the only thing that occurs to my pissed off brain, I show Sravan a certain single finger on my left hand.

The idiot laughs with Karthik still on the line with him. Crap. Sravan hands the phone back to me, laughs again.

‘Go back home Priya. Alone.’

‘I can’t. I have to take Sravan back. He…’

‘What are you doing with him?’

‘I will tell you later Karthik. Let’s talk later. I have to go back home.’

‘Fine. I don’t like him Priya.’, is the last thing I hear before he hangs up. Right.

‘We are leaving’, I tell Sravan. I wish I had carried my purse, so I could have dramatically placed a wad of cash on the table and walked away. But in the hurry I hadn’t carried anything except my phone. So I could just stand up and observe when Sravan downs his espresso shot, asks for the bill, pays it and leaves as if nothing happened here.

While on the bike, Sravan says, ‘You are not sure about him Priya. So nothing wrong if you think you like me now. You told me he isn’t like a boyfriend or anything’, he says. Right. I did say that. ‘What were you guys talking about?’, I ask.

‘Not anything you should be worried about.’

‘What are you doing Sravan? We had an agreement.’

‘I changed my mind.’

‘You have to change it back.’

‘I don’t want to Priya.’

‘You like me? You just find me convenient. You know my family, you knew me growing up, so you think this is easy… that’s all this is.’

Sravan laughs. ‘You are right. I agree. But those are not the only reasons. I really do like you.’

‘I don’t believe it. I can’t see why’

‘If I could explain why, I won’t be doing this at all…’

What? Does that even make sense?

‘Think about it Priya. What if things don’t work out with him? Our parents like each other already. It will be so easy. It is the next best thing to marrying a best friend..’

‘I have thought about it Sravan. I still find exploring things with Karthik a better option.’

‘Ouch. That hurt’, he says but with a smile in his voice.

We reach home in silence. I go in.

‘You guys are back early’, this from Sravan’s dad. I don’t say anything.

‘You take your time Priya. You meet him how many ever times you want. You let us know once you are ready’, he looks concerned, and probably because of the way my face is.

‘No no. Sravan should travel soon. You both let us know as soon as possible okay?’, my mom says.

‘Ya. What is the big deal? You can inform us by tomorrow’, agrees Sarathy uncle.

I look at Sravan, he shrugs.

I find myself cornered again. I telepathically damn him to a flight back to U.S on which he eats spoilt food and spends the flight puking his guts out. Damn Sravan.

‘Okay mom. I will tell you guys soon okay? Not tomorrow, but soon’, I agree for now. I am not sure if I should tell my parents about Karthik. It is probably too soon.

I look at Sravan, fortunately he nods and says, ‘Yes, I need time myself’.

The rest of the evening goes on a bit awkwardly. Since Sravan expressed his interest, I can’t stop wondering about each and everything he does. He passes the water bottle to me and I feel he is trying to sway me. He asks me to get him another bajji and I feel he is trying to get me to do things for him. Of course, I am paranoid. I hope there is some huge issue in the investment bank he is working for and they ask him to come back immediately as he is the only living person on this entire planet that can help them. Well, not all wishes come true.

 Since they had come only for snacks and coffee, they leave soon enough. Thank god for small favours.

I once again tell my parents that I have to go to my place and cannot stay over for the weekend. I now have painted a picture where I am the most critical person at my work and we are delivering a major product for our client pretty soon. This excuse of being busy at work, works almost every time. My parents complain, whine and threaten, but finally I did leave. Every parent wants his or her daughter to achieve at work.

I come back to my place to find Anitha in the balcony sitting in the dark and staring ahead with clearly unfocused eyes. It doesn’t look good. I am also a bit concerned that she left the front door open.

‘What happened Anitha?’, I ask.

She turns around clearly startled by the sudden voice she hears. She calms down and says, ‘Hi Priya. What’s up?’.

I sense she needs some more time to talk about it. I knew she was going to have a talk with Naren.

‘I am to decide whether or not I am ready to marry Sravan as soon as possible’, I say. I sigh. She snorts, of course and whistles.

‘I stalked Sravan in social media as soon as you mentioned him. If it were me, I will dump Karthik and choose Mr.Hawwt any day’, she jokes.

I frown at her. ‘Anitha, what happened?’.

She sighs. ‘We had a long talk Pri. I told him how I felt. I told him I felt that he is deciding something as basic as what I should wear and that I was hurt that he will get so angry for something so trivial. I also realized lot of incidents where he was deciding for me and I realized that I have reached a place where I am not very confident making my own decisions. He said he wasn’t deciding. He just told his opinions and obviously his opinions were better in few instances.’

‘Right’, I say. Naren is arrogant, I knew that.

‘I told him I am willing to try again, but there are going to be certain ground rules now.’

‘Ohhh.. How did he take that?’

‘He says a relationship with rules isn’t a relationship.’

‘What did you say?’

‘I asked him to see them as mutual compromise and not as rules, so that neither of us feel that the other is more invested in the relationship.’

‘Okay. So what are the rules?’

‘Neither of us is going to decide what is better for the other. It will always be a topic open for discussion.’

‘Obvious, but good one. Next?’

‘Preference of one will be considered, but only if it is in turns.’

‘Huh?’

‘Like once I do what he wants and the next time he does what I want. We get extra turns on important occasions like birthdays.’

‘Hmmm…’, not sure if this is practically possible, but it is only a rule, not a law.

‘We will never compare the other with anyone else.’

I had to try not to laugh at that. Tough to do that.

‘Only these so far. We also reserve the right to add rules if required.’

I am entirely not sure if life can work based on these rules. But this is not the time to tell her that, is it?

‘Okay. Did he agree?’

‘Yep. Then I realized one more thing. I was almost hoping he won’t agree. I was a bit disappointed when he did and I think he sensed the discomfort that I had’.

Uh oh. Not good.

‘This made him add another rule. That we always tell each other our true feelings, if not immediately based on the situation, never leave it to grow inside for more than a few days.’

This one makes absolute sense. I nod.

‘Why do you look so gloomy? Looks like things went fine?’

‘Not gloomy Pri. Just reflective’, she says and smiles. Okay, maybe. I am not yet well-versed in the nuances of Anitha’s moods. I text Naren a thumbs up. I am happy for them.

‘Cool. I wish you guys luck’. I leave her to her thoughts and go to my room and call Karthik. He answers immediately.

‘Where are you?’, he asks right away without any form of greeting.

‘At my place.’

‘Okay, good’

‘What did you and Sravan talk about?’

‘Nothing important. What happened? Why were you out with him?’, his voice sounds neutral, but I know he can easily wipe out emotions from his voice and face. I have no clue what he is thinking.

I tell him everything. He listens with a silence that is completely unnerving.

‘So? What are you going to do?’

‘I don’t know Karthik. I considered telling about us. But doesn’t seem like a good idea.’

‘Why isn’t it a good idea?’

‘Umm.. Because then I am sure they will start to search for marriage halls and caterers right away?’

‘Okay, so?’, his voice is neutral, but I somehow feel that his tone has an icy inflection. Yikes.

Also wowwww. What?

‘Karthik? What do you mean? It is too soon to tell them Karthik. What if it doesn’t work out?’

He sighs. ‘This is not a conversation, I would have wanted to have over phone. But the situation sort of demands it’, his icy tone causes goose bumps to raise on my skin.

‘Okay?’

‘Are you not serious about us?’, more intense goose bumps.

Crap. ‘Umm.. Why do you ask this Karthik?’, I stall. Damn. Shit.

‘Priya’, he says, pauses. His voice gets icier if possible. ‘Once you have an answer for that question, call me. Until then…’, he pauses again.

‘Until then, happy figuring it out’, he says and hangs up.

Whoa. What just happened? 

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4  Episode 5  Episode 6  Episode 7  Episode 8 Episode 9 Episode 10 Episode 11 Episode 12 Episode 13 Episode 14 Episode 15 Episode 16 Episode 17 Episode 18