Episode 20

I try calling back a billion times. I texted in all possible means – normal text message, mobile messaging apps, social media chats etc. No response though. He is online or seen recently or has actually read my message but Karthik refuses to respond. The first few hours I was frantic, I wanted him to respond, it was as if the next moment depended on him responding. Stupid, but that is how I felt.

Anitha advised me not to get obsessed and to leave it be for the immediate future and probably really think about what Karthik said and resolve things myself and make an honest attempt at talking to him. Right. Things aren’t right in Priya-dom. I am obsessed that he is not responding. I sent lot of touchy texts, if it were me receiving those texts, I would have done much more than just respond. But the Karthiks of the world are made of sterner stuff. Damn.

I do admire the stern and focused and probably ruthless Karthik. But when all that is directed at me and is working against me, not so much. Where is the romantic in him when one needs it really? I get chills just recollecting the iciness in his voice when we were speaking.

Sue me if I did not want to think about the seriousness or the finality of this relationship. I don’t know why, but just the thought that this is it, he is most definitely the one gives me palpitations. I try to make him understand, again, via texts, but what do ya know, he doesn’t respond for the explanations as well.

Okay, so I asked him to please respond, I then begged because I am that desperate when frantic, then I sent messages quoting just how much he means to me and how much I miss him, I sent messages that explain just what is going on in my mind, the guy is uniformly not swayed by anything and it has been two days. So, I end up doing the only thing I can now. I get angry on Karthik. Of course, since there is no way for him to know I am angry, I send him a message to ensure he knows for which he doesn’t respond and so I stop trying.

But am I constantly thinking about Karthik? Yes. Am I angry? Yes. Why? Because I miss Karthik and he can’t give a shit about it. Maybe I shouldn’t give a shit about it too. I could try, at least.

I am home after a grueling day of bug fixing and testing at work and I am going to try. I am going to Naren’s today, anyways since Anitha and Naren made up, she goes over there all the time and even cooks for Naren et al. If she hadn’t brought me food yesterday and the day before, I would have had to rethink her living situation.

I freshen up, stalk Karthik on social media keenly looking for any sign that he has been having a horrible time and is truly depressed. But hardly any updates from him, which is fine, as he isn’t too active on social media. Or, he is especially away as he is depressed. Truth is, probably nothing has changed for him, no impact and thus no updates. I try not to obsess but since I cannot do it on my own I decide to go to Naren’s, much earlier than usual, that is, much before dinner time.

I text Anitha where I am headed as she isn’t back from work yet and lock up and leave. I go to Naren’s place but find only Vivek, who is playing what looks like a super high end game on a console connected to their super huge television. Right, not entirely unexpected. He politely stops playing as I get there and sit down on their couch and just look ahead clearly communicating without talking that something is wrong.

‘You are early’, he says.

‘Yup’, I say, don’t elaborate, but sigh.

‘That is not a happy sigh Priya.’

I show my agreement with a nod.

‘What happened Priya?’. Vivek always used proper sentences, never shortening anything, you could sometime hear the commas, question marks and semi colons when he speaks, even the colons, believe me.

‘Nothing really. Want coffee? I want some, can make.’, I on the other hand, do not enjoy forming full sentences.

‘I would like that’, he says.

We both go into their kitchen and I start making coffee and end up recollecting the time I made coffee when Karthik had come over here. Brilliant. If we reconciled, I am going to have a private place completely disconnected from Karthik, so I can be by myself without getting reminded of him if we get into such a situation again.

I make coffee in silence and Vivek just stands by me leaning on their kitchen counter in silence. Okay. Not in mood to entertain him.

‘So’, he says.

‘So?’

‘So what is it?’

‘What is what?’

He sighs. ‘Priya come on. What is bothering you?’

‘Why? Does it look like something is bothering me?’. As if.

He snickers, yes he does. ‘Priya, you all but have a beacon around your neck that is somehow also screaming “Help me”’.

What? I do not. So I don’t respond.

I am done with the coffee and he picks his cup and leaves the kitchen, I follow him.

We sip in silence. Not awkward. At all.

‘It is Anitha isn’t it? You girls got into a fight?’.

‘Nope’.

‘Parents giving you trouble?’

What? ‘Nope’.

‘Job?’, I just shake my head for this guess.

‘Well what else can it be?’, he scrunches his face up in mock concentration like the one all scientists in all movies wear before a eureka moment.

‘Right. Karthik’.

I couldn’t stop the sigh.

He makes the following statement in the most inopportune moment ever. ‘You guys were going too fast if you ask me.’

I know right? I shrug.

‘You are not going to talk about it?’

‘Not gonna talk about it.’

‘Thank God’, he says. Okay.

‘I wanna talk about it’.

‘Oh no.’

‘I probably have to tell him how I feel.. Am just wondering how and what..’

‘Yup okay. Don’t tell me though.’

‘I like him Vivek. I just am not sure how to tell him that I do like him but I am not ready to see this as a permanent thing yet?’

‘I don’t think I should advise you on this’

‘How do I vocalize this?’

‘Exactly what you said just now’

‘Isn’t that too direct?’

‘I don’t think I should advise you on this’

‘Vivek, come on man. Help me. Please’, I look at him, puppy dog eyes on full display. He sighs.

‘You shouldn’t tell him what you feel, because frankly, it makes no sense. You should make him say what he feels and agree to it. He is more sensible. Better let him take the lead.’

‘Huh?’. Yup, right. I deserved this for asking Vivek for advice on earthly happenings.

‘No I really mean it. You are not making sense at all. Not even a little bit.’

Okay. That is just stupid and honestly it hurt a bit. But all this talking about Karthik also reminded me of him and I miss him with a vengeance all of a sudden. My resolve at not contacting him again becomes sub-zero in its magnitude.

‘Excuse me’, I tell Vivek and leave to their balcony to call Karthik.

I have no hopes that he will answer, but I dial anyway. The ring goes on for quite some time, when am about to hang up I hear a very low ‘What?’.

Oh wow okay. I did not prepare on what to speak. Uh oh.

‘Karthik?’

‘Yup. What?’

He is just being rude.

‘Karthik I want to talk to you.’

He remains silent. I am not sure what else to do so I go on. ‘I have missed you Karthik. Let us please meet. I…’. he cuts me at this point.

‘Have you decided Priya?’

‘Umm.. I.. Karthik.. I mean I need some…’, before I can finish that sentence he hangs up.

Damn. Now I am pissed. I did not do any mistake. I did not do anything actually.

I go back home losing the interest to interact with anyone or to even eat. I settle in for a nice night of moping and moping is what I do. I am pissed, but still I am moping too.

Finally feeling a bit too revved up to just retire, I call a cab, then google his office address and go there.

His office looks way too professional and I feel like a complete fool in a v-neck and flip flops. Well, I reached already, can’t turn back now. I go to the reception and see this extremely trim and handsome male receptionist. How refreshing, to see a handsome young male receptionist. I go to him with a big smile pasted on my face which got pasted automatically, I mean, the guy is handsome.

‘Hi’

‘Hello there. How may I help you?’, he responds in a high and shrill voice. What a disappointment, it is like watching a stud on a super sexy Harley and he honks and the horn sounds like something that belongs on a tiny pink scooty.

Well, since this is beside the point soI go straight on ahead, ‘I am here for a Karthik Ranganath. I am expected actually’.

‘Oh is it. May I ask who and what for?’

‘I am Swathi, I am here for an interview?’

I did not sound authentic. ‘Sure, I will contact him for you’, he says as if Karthik is used to receiving women in flip flops after office hours and interviewing them. He makes a call and I hear him mentioning a Swathi is here for interview.

‘Yes Ms.Swathi, he isn’t aware of the appointment, but he will be right with you. Please have a seat’, he says pointing at plush, black leather chairs. I go and seat myself on one chair and wait for Karthik, madly tapping away my feet ignoring the receptionist’s pointed look at my feet a couple of times.

After what feels like a couple of eons Karthik finally arrives at the lobby from my left and hence doesn’t notice me as he walks directly to the reception desk. The receptionist then asks him something and points at me and Karthik starts walking towards the general area I am seated in, before really looking at me. He only looks at me halfway through as he is busy scanning something on his phone. He stops, his whole body freezing up when he looks at me finally. Man, he looks good. Did I mention just how tall and handsome and broad shouldered Karthik was? He is. I give an inner groan to myself at the sight of him. Okay, I have it bad for him. I could acknowledge that.

Karthik has taken the time I stand ogling him to reach where I am.

He puts a hand on my elbow, not uttering a word, just ushers me out of the huge glass door I walked in first. Right. He is in his bossy mode. I sigh. We walk until we reach a cafeteria kind of place. He points at a table for me to sit down and goes to one of the many counters that are seen. He comes back with two cans of soft drinks and places one in front of me, I don’t drink sodas so I don’t bother. He opens his can, sits in front of me and downs almost half of it. Okay, wow, I know drinking a fizzy one that fast is pretty difficult. If it were me, I would have got a brain-freeze even though it doesn't look too cold. 

‘Karthik?’

‘I was in the middle of my work Priya.’

‘I am sorry, I didn’t think.. I…’

‘You came here after hours. What if I wasn’t here?’

‘You are a bit of a workaholic, so I knew you would still be here’

He sighs.

‘Okay. Tell me, what is it.’

‘I want us to stop fighting Karthik.’

‘We are not fighting Priya’, he is right though. We aren’t even speaking. I sigh now. I look at him, try to judge his mood, but the man is unreadable. Damn.

‘Karthik, I like you Karthik. A lot. I have it bad for you’, his face seems to gain a bit of its natural animation now.

‘I want us to be together and I want to see where it goes. But don’t ask me to tell my parents or to think about marriage. If I knew I wanted to marry you very clearly, I wouldn’t have stopped the marriage. I know things have changed, we know each other to some extent now. But that doesn’t mean we have to say that this thing is leading to marriage already. I mean…’

‘What you mean is, you don’t want to think about marrying me now?’

‘Nope. That is where the misunderstanding is. What I mean is, I don’t want to think about marrying now. We did not talk about it. You suddenly say you want to talk to my parents and I.. I panicked.’

Karthik swigs the rest of the soft drink from his can and I move the can sitting in front of me towards him. Does he know these aerated soft drinks had too many calories and lot of caffeine?

‘Not sure what you want me to do here’, he says.

‘Umm… I …. I mean, we should do what we have been doing and see where it goes.. I…’

‘Why do you panic every time?’

‘It is not because of you or anything you do. I am not prepared. I am not sure. I have…’, again, I get cut short.

‘I don’t understand Priya. You don’t want to call me your boyfriend. You don’t want to tell your parents about us. What do you want me to do?’, he repeats his question.

Okay. I have to do something.

‘Okay, I agree you are my boyfriend’, I stutter a bit around the word, looks like I have a problem with these labels. But honestly, boyfriend is just an inadequate word.

‘Because that is the socially accepted word. But I want you to know that what I feel and the term boyfriend don’t really add up.’

‘Oh really?’, he says, he leans back and crosses his arms across his chest too.

‘I feel connected to you. I care for you, I want to spend much more time with you. I want to share with you. I am not sure if I should feel so attached, but every time I see you I feel less and less unsure. I…’, I pause. I am not sure what else to say.

Karthik just leans back a bit more, drops his arms, even relaxes his shoulders. He still doesn’t say anything.

I wait. Something tells me, I have to wait now, let him do the thinking. After a couple of hours of silence or probably just seconds, he finally leans forward, towards me.

‘Okay.’, he says.

What? Okay? I am extremely disappointed with this reaction.

So I nod. Well, I can be minimalistic too.

Karthik smiles. ‘I wish you had told me all this any place other than my office.’

Ohhh. ‘Why?’

‘Well, when a girl tells such things to a guy, the guy feels like he should be able to kiss the girl, so that she is completely not unsure’.

Ohhhhhh. Wasn’t I pissed? I mean, didn’t he handle this all incorrectly. I had some important point about him not communicating. Right now, all I can think is his eyes were on me, looking into my eyes and his eyes were communicating something that seems very essential. I try to figure out what he is saying and some primal part of me seems to be getting it and even liking the message.

I feel his hand on mine and when I try to form coherent thoughts, the shrill ring of his phone cuts through the bubble we wrapped ourselves in.

Damn, cell phones.

He answers the phone makes a couple of 'mmm' sounds and finally says 'I will be right there.'
Not fair at all. I pout.
'Sorry babe. I really don't want to go, but I really have to.', he sighs, squeezes my closed fist on the table.
He gets up so I do too. He gives me a half hug, 'How are you going back? How did you reach here by the way?'.
'I took a cab, will take one back too.'
'Call me once you reach okay?', there seems to be real concern in his voice. I nod.
'I will try to come by tonight, might not be possible, but I will try', I nod again. He gives me a three fourth hug now, kind of lingering on it. 'We are at our work place you know', I joke. He chuckles as if my comment deserves a chuckle. 'You try to come. We are not done talking you know.', he nods. I hope I am up though, I stayed up texting some unresponsive people for a couple of days.
'Bye Priya', he says and leaves me.

Well. That went well.

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4  Episode 5  Episode 6  Episode 7  Episode 8 Episode 9 Episode 10 Episode 11 Episode 12 Episode 13 Episode 14 Episode 15 Episode 16 Episode 17 Episode 18 Episode 19