A part of me had believed that, this was it. Life doesn’t
hold anything for me anymore. I mean, I had fallen in love, I knew I had, but I
had no idea how hard I had fallen. I realized it when I couldn’t call
you-know-who when I wanted to just talk because I had some time. I realized it
when I saw a funny meme, but couldn’t share it with him. I realized it when I
had news, good or bad, wanted to share it with him, but couldn’t. I realized it
when I thought about making a little extra food or asking Anitha to make extra
dinner because he might drop by. Most of all I missed it that I couldn’t look
forward to seeing him that day.
It has been a week and my routine has kind of changed,
because let’s face it. Karthik was a big part of my life. Shit, not thinking
his name kind of helps me from the unwanted but ever existent reaction of my
gut experiencing a drop like I was dropping straight down from a height like from
a drop tower in the amusement park, something which happened every single time
I thought of him and somehow much more uncontrollable when I think of his name.
I had thought that is it, it’s done. Ironically, life moved
on. I still had a lot to do. I am quite busy at work right now. Shan and I are
working on another project and things are strenuous between us again. Looks
like he was ready to get along with me for the sake of K.. his friend. Now that I lost the person of relevance status once
again, things were not so good. But, ever the professional, he handles it
better than me. Okay, truth is he is being normal, I got used to him treating
me much better and different. Every time I find myself in a meeting room alone
with Shan, I seem to be having a crazy struggle in my head to control myself
from not asking after his friend. So I might have been trying to avoid Shan.
Maybe because of this? It is getting easier now.
I have my first trek with Aditya and the Walk With History group this weekend.
Anitha has been keeping me really occupied with the BLANK group as well. She
also needed the distraction given the drama in her life with Naren. I often see
Ishitha and both of them talked me into attending the mini book club as part of
the group. They have a Whatsapp group and everything. Luckily, we are reading
“The Fountainhead”, not anything that might trigger my sensitive psyche. Right,
like I need an external trigger. As I said, life goes on, I am pretty occupied.
I am just not sure what is interesting, what is not, what I like, what I don’t,
what I find enjoyable and what I do not want to endure.
I had arrived home from work and Anitha will be here in
sometime. She wants to go out for dinner. I just changed into jeans and some
tee shirt on the top of my shelf and have been looking at page 21 of The Fountainhead. Well, I don’t read
books and this one so far hasn’t even begun to start to describe the main
characters. I did some research on Goodreads
on the book, and people claimed it to be life changing, mindset altering,
ground reality shattering genius of a book. Hmmm… maybe I should take baby
steps. Start with Harry Potter or something. Karthik is an avid reader, he
would know….
Ya, so I take a deep breath as the bottom of my stomach just
dropped into some space in an alternate dimension. I must not think about him,
I tell myself. I must not.
His words clearly ring in my head. You are in search for satisfaction with your work. You are in search
for a purpose. You are open to explore.
He told me he
liked these about me. He told me. I
don’t understand. How could he like me for something and then assume it was a
temporary thing? How could he like it and then ask me to change that part of
myself? Well, apparently things in abstraction are not welcome when it comes to
practical life. Damn.
Should I tell him that if it was him, him who wanted
something, I wouldn’t stand in his way? I close my book and pull open my
laptop, open my e-mail box and scroll into the drafts. I have written a mail to
Karthik, damn, looking at his contact leaves me with another
stomach-dropping-out-of-body reaction. Anyways, I have a mail all composed with
proper punctuations and all the red and blue squiggly lines removed by
correcting all the grammar and spelling mistakes. It is only three pages long.
All I have to do is click the ‘Send’ button. I shouldn’t. I don’t.
I sigh and close my laptop. Read Priya. Read. Have a life
altering experience with The
Fountainhead.
I hear the doorbell and it is Anitha.
‘Ready?’, she asks me walking in with a guitar.
‘Guitar?’
‘Ya, I needed to do something. Bala’s friend is starting a
class for beginners, thought of joining. This is Bala’s old guitar, he sold it
to me…’
‘Ohhh..’, Okay, I attempt to read, Anitha for whatever
reason, is attempting guitar. Good times.
‘Let me just quickly refresh. Five mins’, she says rushing
in.
We leave in her two wheeler to a nearby multi cuisine
restaurant. We order soup, starter and one fried rice, all to share.
‘Any word from….?’, Anitha asks me. Somehow not mentioning
the name. I am ever grateful. I shrug. Apparently, I don’t care either way.
Hmmm, okay, maybe this isn’t her cheat day. She hopes to get me to talk while
plying me with restaurant food.
‘It has been a week, yes?’
‘Yup’
‘You think about it? You know, with perspective now?’
‘He told me he likes it that I am exploring and trying new
things. He now tells me he thought that was something I did until I got married
or whatever. Tomorrow, he would say, stop working, take care of the 1.5 kids
and the puppy and day after he would say why don’t you try making murukku from
scratch, my mom has this excellent recipe’
‘Puppy? He wants a puppy and apparently murukku, that is why
you don’t want this?’, she tries, with a smile. I realize I am completely
tense. I try to relax.
‘This isn’t funny Anitha’. I pick a tissue from the
tissue-holder thing and start folding it into a paper boat. Okay, I could try
origami.
‘It isn’t funny Priya. But are you completely sure that you
are ready to let go of Kar.. him for
the rest?’. Anitha has seemed to have grasped my stomach-dropping-out-of-body
reaction. She is a great friend, a very attentive one at that.
We get the soup and the masala papad at that time. So I
concentrate on methodically cracking the papad.
Am I being greedy? Do I want everything? I sigh.
‘Anitha… if I had to move to a different city for him, I
would have. If I had to take a break because he needs me or something like
that, I can. But… This… Asking me to not do what I really want to do without
any solid reason right now… that doesn’t make sense…’.
Anitha looks deep into my eyes, trying to read me probably.
I look right back at her. I mean, I am sure about this. One can adjust on one’s
surroundings or environments or adapt to situations. One can change so many
things about themselves, but one has to be themselves.
‘Hmmmm’, is what she has to say for this.
Rest of the meal is awkward, needless to say. We try hard to
stick to safe topics. But for whatever reason, I still feel better.
****************************
A week later….
‘Oh my god, I didn’t know I had a muscle here.’, I say pointing
in the general hip area.
‘Everyone has muscles there’, Aditya tells me.
‘I didn’t know’
He just chuckles. Because this is the only time I used those
muscles, they were letting me know that they exist by aching constantly. I had
been on the trek with Aditya and the group and it was an amazing experience. I
am just discovering the after effects. My legs ache, especially below knee, the
muscles on my backside hurts and this hip area hurts. Huh.
More importantly, I am at Naren’s place after a long long
time, Naren having spoken to me after I irritated the hell out of him by
figuratively turning myself into a pest. Naren has actually lost weight, but
looks haggard and somehow the look actually works for him. We had a long heart
to heart and he kind of admitted he expected that Anitha was going to break up
with him.
‘Well, if you keep at it, you would get fitter and not feel like
you came out of a grinder anymore’, he says now. ‘All it needs is for you to
get used to it’, he says, heavily and we both sigh. I mean, truer words haven’t
been said.
‘Oh come on. Both of you, knock it off with all the loaded
quotes’, Vivek says. While Naren or Aditya refused to get along with Anitha,
Vivek talks to her.
‘I still feel you have to talk it out with Karthik.. I feel
there are lot of things that remain to be said there….’, Naren advises.
‘I saw this easy snack on you tube made with pressed rice.
Anyone interested?’, I ask to all three of them and moving away from the dining
table around which we were all seated.
‘Okay. Sorry’, Naren says after Aditya smacks him on his
head. ‘I just feel there is still something there’, he mumbles although I could
hear it clearly.
‘Okay guys, I am taking a walk…’, I say abruptly and gather
my sling bag from the table in the living room.
‘Come on….’, Vivek says. I wave at them and leave.
Truth be told. I have been fighting with my impulse to
contact Karthik. I have gotten better at not wincing whenever I think of his
name. But now I am fighting against myself to let him know how difficult this
is for me and hoping that if he knows how much that is, he would come back to
me. But Anitha has told me that, he walked away, so he has to come back. It has
to do with my dignity or self-respect or some such thing. Are they important? Gahhh.
I have gone to the level where I don’t carry my phone everywhere and I avoid
staying alone. I was in Naren’s place as Anitha has been really busy with work
and has been coming home later and later these days, even working on weekends,
like today. I even refused alcohol when Anitha wanted to get drunk for some
reason. I saw to it that she got her high and hid her phone when she wanted to
all Naren and apologize for all she had done. That was both entertaining and
very very difficult to watch. Luckily, when she was planning on running out of
our house to go to his house, she ended up falling on her backside and I was
able to convince her to just go and sleep. Good times.
I just go sit in one of the concrete benches found across
the pathways in my society area and once again thank my good sense for not
carrying my phone with me. I am soon lost into a trance state where my mind
whirls and comes up with what ifs and if onlys. I hate those.
****************************
Two weeks later…..
‘We have around 220 people here today. We need a venue, if
we keep this up.. Whew…’, says Ishitha, wrapping up her boxes of jewelry which
continues to disappear.
I look for Anitha who has been talking to a couple of
people, who seem to be people on their first meet. There is a whistle sound and
Bala is the one whistling.
‘Guys, Guys! Listen for a minute… Guys’, he says and lets
out another shrill whistle.
‘Ranju alias Ranjini here wants to sing for us all…’, he
announces and points to a plump girl who tries to cover her face.
People start chanting her name. ‘Ranju, Ranju! Ranju!
Ranju!’.
People move away from
her making an impromptu stage around her. She shakes her head tells a vehement
no.
Another girl moves to her and tells something to her in ears
and moves back. She takes a deep breath, when Bala offers a bottle of water
snatches it and drinks deeply.
Very unexpectedly, she starts a hum and I realize it’s the
opening to ‘Hotel California’, damn. She has a voice that is quite low toned,
reminding me of Usha Uthup. She is shaky in the beginning and then goes on to
render a version of ‘Hotel Calidornia’, that is totally hers. The other girl
who probably convinced her to sing joins in the chorus bits. It was definitely
not a music group level performance, but a damn good one.
After she finished, people wanted her to do more and she
turns to Adele, belting out ‘Cold Shoulder’ like nobody’s business and without
music. The crowd applauds, I do too.
‘Wow. That is something.’, Anitha who has moved towards me
says.
‘Yup. It is’, I agree.
Today was a good meet. Apart from this, there was a stand up
show, it wasn’t really good probably because the guy was really nervous. Bala
and his sub-group that is all about instrumental music played things and
announced that they were planning to compete in some show organized by a radio
station.
There was a group of guys from a consultancy kind of firm
who wanted to talk about career change and how they can help and things like
that, which kind of went with the theme, so when they approached, I agreed.
‘The woman I am looking for, Priya!’, the guy from the
consultancy exclaims.
‘Hi Ashok! Hope this was useful for you…’, I say, sounding
very excited.
‘But yes, of course. This was nothing.. I have ideas for a
sponsored event with your group actually… if you are interested in organizing
that or even letting us organize it, give me a call. Here’, he says, stuffing a
card in my hand.
‘I will think about it Ashok.’. Sponsored event? What about
our bottom line? Let me put it up with people.
‘Priyaaa… Anitha hi’, I hear Aravind.
‘Next meet, I have a short story to read. Is that fine?’, he
asks me. I nod.
‘Aravind, I have told you a lot of times. Put it up in the
page, if people vote for it, then it gets done….’
‘No one wants my poetry though…’
‘Tough crows Aravind, sorry’, Anitha says, patting him on
his shoulder.
‘Tell you what, you just post the whole story on the page or
put it in a blog and share it in the page, let people read it if they are
interested…’
‘Yup, will do, I just wanted to read it to the people…’
‘You post it Aravind, lets get people to read it first’, I
repeat. So a lot of people wanted to showcase a few things. So, from the last
meet I decided to have a voting system. But of course, it is not being honored
seeing as to Ranju’s song performance.
I am just seeing what is the best way to do things. So far
it has been like a hanging out and doing things kind of gig, but with a bigger
crowd, things needs to get organized I guess.
‘Hey… Priya right?’, a guy looking buff and spewing
testosterone, asks me.
I shamelessly ogle at his rather impressive biceps and
triceps. He knowingly smiles at me, a very flirtatious smile. A good one too.
Keep it professional Pri, I tell myself.
He then glances at Anitha and totally pauses a minute
forgetting he was about to talk to me. I try not to scoff, at myself that is.
‘Yep…’, I say extending my hand for a shake.
‘Daniel’, he says.
‘Hello Daniel’, I say.
‘This is a good thing actually. I am new to Chennai and been
looking for things to do and found your page’, I detect a pronounced Malayalam
accent.
‘Thanks Daniel. Welcome’, I say, the genius that I am.
‘Do you guys do things like going out somewhere like movies
or something?’
‘Umm.. Not really..’
‘Ohh… Anything social?’
‘We had a party sometime back actually..’, I tell him. A
good party. A party in which I had a boyfriend whom I was madly in love with.
‘Time for another one then?’, he asks me and trying very
much not to look at Anitha.
‘Probably…’
‘I can arrange it Priya. I am kind of into event management
and I am getting to know people… I can…’
‘Oh cool. Let’s figure something out, just leave me a
message, we will definitely discuss this’, I say.
‘Cool’, he says. ‘See you around?’
I nod. Today’s group was more than expected. We already
started charging for the meets as I have had to book venues for us to meet. Not
much, but still we have had to charge. There are few people who refuse to
believe that I just do this for no reason other than that it feels right to do
it.
Vivek and I have been working on an app and we will get it
done soon. We wrap up the meeting. Ishitha, Anitha, Bala and one of his friends
and me, are the ones to leave at the end.
Ishitha and the girl that is Bala’s friend both leave
together as she stayed on the way and
Ishitha was going to drop her. Bala is joining Anitha and me to our place to
hang out some more. In spite of all odds, I was doing okay.
I mean, I do have moments when I get reminded of Karthik and
moments when I go crazy and have to physically stop myself from calling him or
trying to meet him at his work. It has only been a month, but I am doing good,
all things considered. Vivek treated us all for a promotion and I stayed
completely dry watching everyone else get smashed with only Aditya to keep me
company. Then Vivek treated Anitha separately and all I drank was virgin orange
juice while Anitha tossed back vodka orange like it was water. My parents
totally handle me with kid gloves and have been hinting at finding another guy
for me. Once when they saw me being normal and passably cheerful, they even
tried to get me to think about reaching out to Karthik. Needless to say, I haven’t
gone to my parents’ place in two weeks now.
We had booked a cab from Anitha’s phone. She was trying to direct
the cab driver to our place and was moving a little further away to do it very
loudly.
‘So, I have been meaning to ask you, for some time now…’,
Bala says. Since I am a fairly intuitive person, I can guess what he wants to
ask. It has been a month.
‘Yeah?’
‘You and Karthik…’
‘Ahhh… Yep, Done and dusted’
‘Am sorry….’, he says, sounding sincere.
Yup, am sorry too. I shrug.
‘You doing fine?’
‘Yup. I am’.
He suddenly looks away from me, takes a deep breath and
looks back at me. Adjusts his spects on his nose.
‘I… Okay, here it is. Priya, do you want to.. maybe… go out
with me sometime?’
Whoa. Stupid intuition stopped after it guessed one thing.
‘Sorry?’
He chuckles. ‘Priya, I am asking you out…’
Right. Hmmm.. Bala is a good guy. He is almost dreamy. He is
in I.T and also wants to be a musician at whatever level life allows him to be.
He probably gets me more than a certain someone, at least in this regard. It has also been only a month.
‘You can think about it, you know.’, he says, again looking
away. Bala looks cool even with his spects and he has this dimple on one side
which is threatening to pop out now. It has also been only a month. Also, am I
over him?
‘Sure’, I tell him. I could try and see. He smiles now.
Okay, I really could get used to the dimple.
‘Dinner? Tomorrow? I will pick you up from your place?
Anitha tells me you like Italian…’
Oh. I turn and look at Anitha, still over phone. Of course,
she gave us privacy to have this little chat.
‘So you told her?’
‘She guessed’, he smiles sheepishly. He totally told her and
probably asked her for advice. That was cute for some reason. I smile.
‘Okay’.
‘Cool. Fine, I gotta go now. See you tomorrow okay? 7.30?’
‘You know… I… I don’t think…’, hopefully he gets I am not in
the same place as him and would not go forward with this.
‘I know… no pressure, yeah?’
‘I thought you were coming with us…’
‘Naaa… I got my bike.. I just… well.. anyways… See you
tomorrow then…’, he says.
‘Bye Anitha’, he waves for her and moves away.
‘You meddle’, I accuse her when she finally ends her call
with the cab driver.
‘Naaa… I didn’t.. Maybe I did. I forget, who knows’, she
says letting out a maniacal laugh.
‘You scare me’, I admit the truth. She just shrugs.
‘So what did you say?’
‘I said yes’
Her jaw drops. ‘You did? Are you crazy?’
‘Ohh.. I thought you wanted me to…’
‘God no. I tried telling him you weren’t ready, he wouldn’t
listen’.
‘Ummm…’
‘It’s too soon…’
‘Probably..’
‘You are a bit of an idiot.’
‘Okay, I will cancel then.’
‘Arrrrgh. You can’t cancel, poor
Bala, you should have just told no’
‘I didn’t want to say no…’
She just shakes her head. I hear
her mutter about just one month and crazy people.
Yup, so it was about a month since
the supposed love of my life walked away from my life. He, of course very
belatedly called me a couple of weeks ago and since my sadness had turned to
anger, I wouldn’t answer. I have no idea what that was for, but he didn’t try
to call me again after that. So, since I couldn’t bear it that he wasn’t calling
back, I blocked his number. I have come to terms with the fact that both of us
wanted different things from me and expected different things of myself. Well,
truth hurts. I need to move on and Bala knows. That is how I lecture myself
over all the guilt.
********
I am somehow nervous about this
thing with Bala. There isn’t chemistry to override my senses, so every decision
I make with him is going to be sensible and calculated. Maybe, that is a good
thing.
I am dressed in jeans and a
dressy ruffled deep maroon top. I don’t bother with make up much, but just hide
the under eye circles I have developed, add some kajal and put on some gloss.
‘You look good’, Anitha says,
looking up from the pile of clothes she has been pressing, following which she
would neatly arrange them in her cupboard. I am the kind of person who throws
things in and presses clothes when I need to wear them.
‘Right’
‘You do.’
‘Okay, thanks then’.
She shakes her head.
‘You needn’t do this you know…’
I don’t reply, and look for a bag
to go with my black wedges.
‘You look great, as always’, Bala
says when I open the door at his arrival.
‘Thanks Bala. You are looking
good yourself’, I add. He is actually wearing a shirt. He smiles again, his
dimple flashing. I like it, but I markedly see a difference from how I reacted
to whenever Karthik got dressed. Don’t go
there, I tell myself.
I hop onto his bike and I guess
it is fate’s big fuck-you to me, because the place he takes me is the same
restaurant where I had my almost commanded-into date with Karthik. I briefly
debate whether or not to tell this to Bala, but he seems pretty impressed with
the choice of restaurant. It makes sense. It is close to my place, probably why
Karthik took me there too and is a very very good restaurant with great food. I
think I even raved about it in my facebook page. Probably why Bala brought me
here or Anitha’s work again.
I forget to end my debate and
before I know we are seated. I am glad to remember that this place has wine and
thank god for that. I could feel fate smirking down at me. Well, it is probably
a bad idea, but who cares anymore.
‘Bala… I want you to know one
thing…’
‘Yeah?’
‘I… I once came out here with
Karthik…’
‘Oh my god. Sorry Pri. We can
leave, if you want… Is it a big deal.. I mean…’
‘Bala, I am sorry. I didn’t mean
to do this to you. But I… This can’t mean anything, this is only a dinner….I…..’,
I let the guilt and the confusion and uncertainty play on my face. I also feel
very very bad that I did this to him. I mean, it’s only been a month, who does
that?
Bala just looks at me for a long
beat, reaches across the table and grabs the hand I had placed on it.
‘Priya… I liked you before I
brought you here, I liked you as a friend. I was hoping for more, but I can see
you are not ready, probably won’t be. Let’s just have dinner… okay? And talk…’
‘I am sorry Bala. I am really
sorry, there is just no excuse, I should have known’.
He once again grabs hold of my
hand.
‘I know. I actually know it. I
just thought this might help you. Not saying I am selfless like that, just I couldn’t
see you like all that…’
‘What?’
‘Priya, forget everything if
possible. Let’s just have dinner and talk..’s
I nod. Man, he is a good guy.
Before I know, I order a red wine
and start ingesting it like water.
‘Priya, slow down….’
‘Bala.. come on… I can hold my
liquor…’, which is as farther from the truth as possible.
After two drinks, I was telling
him my life story.
‘What did I do Bala? Is it stupid
of me to let go of him? Is it an idiotic reason to leave him… I.. I just can’t
imagine… I don’t want to… I….’, since I couldn’t continue the story, I pull his
glass and drink his wine as well.
He doesn’t stop me. He is just
watching me with intense eyes.
I rant some more and more, baring
my soul and pouring out my heart to someone more than an acquaintance but not a
real close friend, at least until now.
‘Listen to me Priya’, he says. ‘I
don’t understand how he could just walk away. I have seen you two, I didn’t get
it then, I don’t get it after hearing the whole story. But, if he didn’t come
back, he is an idiot. Since it has been this long, you should move on Priya.
Let it all out’, he says, pushing me my third and a half wine as I had two of
mine and half of his and this is the third and a half.
I munch on nachos and refuse to
eat anything else except their famous tiramisu. So he even orders that. By the
time we are done, I needed support to walk and he had called for a cab.
‘Your bike?’
‘I will drop you and come back
for it’, he says.
‘Thanks Bala. I am sorry. I
really thought I was fine. I thought I could like your one sided dimple too.
The dimple is adorable, but well.. I am just unlucky I guess.’
He then flashes me his dimple
again and wags his eyebrows at me. I laugh and belch at the same time. I mean
it was nachos and wine, no explanation needed.
‘Sorry’, I say and he just
laughs.
‘That should help’, he says.
‘For?’, I ask, he doesn’t
respond.
The cab arrives and I am able to
get into it by myself. I keep apologizing to him and asking him to take a photo
of the bill and send it to me so I can pay my share. He just does the platonic
holding thing that he seems very good at and doesn’t talk except for agreeing
with me when I begun to call Karthik a bastard and an idiot with
overflowing-testosterone-syndrome causing a malfunction on the left side of his
brain.
He helps me out and does the platonic holding thing all the
way to my door and safely gets me seated on my couch and secretly tells Anitha
something and disappears. Finally, finally, that it is only Anitha there, I
fall onto the couch face down and break down. After a few minutes of letting me
cry, Anitha crouches next to me and mutters about idiots while rubbing my back.
Unfortunately, the rubbing of my back results in me belching more, but being a
good friend she continues.
While I still am face down, my sob having changed to silent
tears, I hear a bell and Anitha goes to open it.
‘I will be in the room and lock myself in. You better make
this right’, I hear her telling someone.
‘Priya’, I hear, the voice I had convinced myself I would
never hear again.
‘What?’, I whip out of the couch, and yes, I see the cause
of my misery standing in front of me cool as a cucumber. I grab my bag from the
couch and throw it at him. A month’s worth of cycles of pain and numbness holds
me hard and that seems to be my reflex. It hits squarely on his chest and we
both observe it falling down without so much as causing him to even wince.
Well, that sucked.
I wipe my eyes and sneeze for a good measure and since my
tissues were in my bag which I had thrown I wipe my hand on my top. This is an
emergency people.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Anitha told me you were on a date’
I feel my eyes bugging out trying to get out of my eye
sockets.
‘What?’
‘I…. I have been trying to contact you. You seem to have
blocked my number and if I called from other numbers, you weren’t answering…’
‘What. Are. You. Doing. Here.’, I clip out the words. I
throw the coaster on the table at him. He hasn’t made a move towards me. Good
decision.
‘I… I would have come here long ago Priya. But… I was an
idiot, it took me a long time to realize that I was an idiot.’
‘I agree’
‘It took me even longer to realize there was no way I could
live without you.’
‘Bullshit’, I say and laugh, a crazy sounding one, but still
a whole-hearted laugh.
‘It took me a bit more time to gather the guts to call you but
then you blocked me’
‘That was almost three weeks ago’
‘It was two weeks. I had to travel to Seoul for work… I…. I
really wanted to see you before I went. I came here, you weren’t here and
Anitha advised me that you weren’t in the right place.’
‘Oh. So she is my substitute mouth piece. Is that it?’
‘Priya…’, he calls to me again. I throw the other coaster on
the table at him and this hits him on his stomach and he flinches. When it falls
down to the floor this time, I feel a frisson of satisfaction.
Karthik finally walks towards the couch and crouches in
front of me. I am still in a half lying, half sitting position and I am not
going to move to accommodate him or whatever.
‘Priya, I wasn’t really leaving you. You asked me to leave.
I was just trying to think and get perspective and I was going to come to you
when I had a clearer head.’
‘Really? I must have missed the email’, I say, very
sarcastically. Karthik winces.
‘Priya.. please…. Try to…’
‘Almost a month Karthik’,
I bite out.
He winces. ‘I know. It is my fault. But Priya.. you wouldn’t
let me…’
‘Ha. I didn’t let you or anything, but you still made
assumptions for and about me’
‘Priya… I.. I just…’
‘I thought you were different Karthik. You aren’t’, I see him sharply intake his breath as if in
pain.
‘I am not different Priya. I am not, but for you I am…’
‘Huh?’
He runs his hand over his face in a very unexpectedly
vulnerable gesture. I sit up because the half sit half lie thing is not great
on the lower back.
‘Priya… I was just angry that day that you wouldn’t let me
stay and explain and talk. You asked me to leave and I was hurt. I was then
angry and stupidly I waited for you to call and apologize’
Once again, my eyes bug out. I turn around again looking for
something to throw at him. Unfortunately, one of my earrings that must have
fallen off during my bawling is the only thing available. So I just glare at
him.
‘Yup, I was so full of myself that I thought you were the
one who was acting like an idiot. It took a week for me to even simmer. It
didn’t help the fact that my parents reminded how obnoxious and uncaring you
were. I…’
I sat back on the couch now, folding my arms on my chest, as
sitting without support caused a dizzy feeling thanks to the four and a half
wines that I had.
‘I basically just told myself to hold on till you came to
see me at work or whatever.’
‘That must have been a fun wait’
He chuckled dryly as if laughing at himself.
‘That week I had to travel to Bangalore for a couple of days
and I had a lot of time on my hands as it was for a conference and I did not
have much to do. I ran through the whole thing and realized I am the one who
needed to run to you and apologize. It took a long time and I had to convince
myself, but… But finally I realized what I did was not the right thing.’
‘Go on’
‘I wanted to call you then and there, but I thought it
better to meet you in person. I came down here and neither you nor Anitha were
here.’
Anitha took me out on a lot of special dinners, probably
because she was trying to divert me from thinking about all the dinners I had
with Karthik at my home.
‘I called then. But you didn’t answer. Then I realized you
blocked me. Then I called you from different numbers, you never answered’
‘I wasn’t using my phone much’
‘I even called your parents. They had very good things to
say’, he says, looking like he wouldn’t want to repeat that experience every
again.
‘I was then asked to go to Seoul for two weeks, then I had
to meet you before I left. I called Anitha, she advised me to come back from
the trip and then meet you. She said you were closed up and you wouldn’t be
open to listen to me.’
‘Anitha, I know you are listening, I don’t like you
anymore’, I turn towards the room door and shout. But, yeah, she was right. I
was too set on numbing myself up. I hear her making some sound but I can’t make
out the words. There is a slight buzz there.
I look at Karthik.
‘I am a selfish person Priya. I have always been one. I
expected you to do anything necessary to make this happen. I just didn’t think
about the cost. It was inconceivable for me that you wouldn’t make a change in
your life if that meant we could get married with the blessing of both our
parents.’
I glare at him. If only I can skewer him with my eyes. I
begin to envision it.
‘I know. It is wrong of me to expect you to just give up
things you really like to do, even need
to do. I realized that if anyone came and told me that to marry you I had to
give up this job and do something else, I might have laughed in their face and
asked them to fuck off and mind their business’
I incline my head, indicating him to get to his point.
‘All you asked me was to understand that wasn’t possible and
just my support and nothing else and I acted like a jackass of infinite
proportions’
‘Yup’
‘I am sorry Priya. I am really sorry. It was really the most
insensible thing I did in my life and I really am sorry. I tried, I am aware you are not aware that I
tried to get to you, to get you to understand, to reconcile. But I really did
try. I even met Aditya here one day and I was warned against hurting you.’
‘No one told me’
‘They were all protecting you. I thought your friends were
immature. But I am the one who needed perspective and understanding. It is my
own doing. I am a selfish ass and all I wanted was to have you in my life. I
did not want to hurt you, but I know I did. I am really sorry Priya.’
I am still way too angry to let him off the hook.
‘Karthik’, I start
and he winces again. At my raised eyebrows he sighs.
‘I always loved the way you said my name, as if it was
special to you, as if you could just taste it like a thing and not a name. The
way you are saying it now is with strain, like you are struggling and you just
want to say it to be done with it’, he sounds sad, very very sad, still
crouching in front of me.
‘You hurt me Karthik’,
I accuse.
‘Pri… I didn’t mean to.’
‘One month’, I remind him.
‘It was difficult for me as well Priya’, he says, unwilling
to admit it, ‘but it was my own doing. I thought of you as needing to grow up…
But, you know, I am the one who got everything mixed up. I am possessive, I
would demand your time. I am protective too. I am always dropping by here,
sometimes even without telling you and you always expected me to, you never
complained once, you never asked me to inform you ahead of time, you kept your
schedule open, I knew you were busy, but I knew you waited for me almost every
day. I… I took everything for granted, I… I only saw my end of things. I care
and I am protective because that is my nature, but that doesn’t mean anything..
does it…’.
No, it doesn’t mean much if that is how he felt or feels
even now.
I blink trying to clear the cobwebs from my eyes. I feel
thirsty and get off the couch, my leg brushing his shoulder as I move to the
fridge to pull out a bottle. I drink almost half a litre and belch again.
I eye him. He has straightened from his crouch but is not up
on his feet. I don’t want to believe this. I don’t want to. I probably
shouldn’t.
‘I… How can I believe you Karthik.. How can I trust you…’
‘I know you are working on an app for BLANK with Vivek’
I nod.
‘Well actually, it isn’t him. He has just been telling you
my ideas and I have been sending him code and… I couldn’t call you from Seoul,
it wouldn’t have been enough.. So.. I was going to tell this to you later…
But…’
I still look at him skeptically, he takes his phone and
fiddles with it, walks towards me and thrusts it under my nose. Yup, I see the
prototype of my app that Vivek supposedly designed. Damn.
‘Karthik’, I say
and he winces, again.
‘Priya, I know I should have done this sooner, it didn’t
bode well that you were suffering. When Anitha told me you were closed up… you
are the most open and warm person I know. I did that to you… I cannot begin to
even.... I don’t deserve another chance Priya, I really don’t.’
‘Oh Karthik’, I
sigh and he just looks pained. Apparently, I am still not saying his name
right.
‘You really did the app for me?’
He nods. ‘I have ideas. I will explain to you if you want to
know…’
‘I told you not to disappear, and you didn’t this time. It
was me…’
‘I understand Priya. I would have taken more time. But
Anitha told me of the date and I panicked. I couldn’t believe you moved on. I
all but lost it.’
‘Karthik, I just
wanted to….’
‘I know’, he says, taking a step closer towards me.
‘This app.. is this just to…’
‘Priya, I know you wanted to do it, so I am helping you do
it. If you ask me to get out now, I will still try to help you’, he says,
standing up and holding out his hand palms up. My brain starts to mess with me
now.
‘What about your parents Karthik?’, he doesn’t wince this
time.
‘It is getting there, not the same way as before, but it is
better’, he says and I realize he isn’t talking about his parents.
‘Parents?’
‘They love me more than anything else, they just want me to
be happy. They will be fine. They are not happy that you walked away another
time’, he says moving another step towards me.
I sigh. I feel a residual whimper from all my crying on his
nearness. He is done with giving me my space and pulls me into a fierce hug.
‘I missed you Priya. I was so frustrated. I wanted to be
here, but I wanted to go to Seoul as it was important for almost three years of
my hard work, if not for Anitha, I would have stayed. I even came to your work
and Shan.. Shan wouldn’t let me meet you, he said you were doing better and
asked me not to make a fool of myself. Your office doesn’t have a good
reception desk like mine, they looked at me suspiciously and said they couldn’t
call you without a good reason and the whole interview thing wasn’t very
believable.’
I laughed. He really tried? All unknown to me?
‘I should have come earlier, before Seoul and all that. I
was just a …’
‘Dickhead?’, I prompt.
‘Yup. I was. But, I love you Priya. I probably can live
without you, but I don’t want to.’
‘Okay’, I tell him. I don’t want to live without him either.
But..
‘Karthik… I… I don’t
know. I am really confused what to do now… I….’
‘I am here Priya. It is your call now. I will not simply
listen though, I will do everything to make it happen, to make us happen.’
‘Why Karthik?’, I
ask again, to him squeezing me at that.
‘Because, I am as sure as I can be and I know that I am not
going to get over you…. I don’t know why, but I don’t want to know…’
Crap. Am I going to get over him? Unfortunately, I have no
history to help me with this decision.
‘Let’s be friends for some time then..’, I tell him.
Unbelievably, he laughs. ‘Priya… your face is buried in my
neck and I am holding you so close, any closer and there can’t be even air
between us. We cannot be friends. We are more… We either decide to not do this
at all or we go into it fully..’
I try to pull away just to make a point, but since it isn’t
only me holding us together, I couldn’t and I sigh.
‘Okay, you know what, I know how this works. We are not
getting married anytime soon though.’
‘Okay. When then?’
‘Two years at least.’
‘Fine, if you move in with me in two months’
‘Are you crazy? Do you want my parents to disown me?’
‘Then we marry in six months’
‘Are you asking me? This doesn’t sound like asking.. This
sounds like manipulation’
‘Well, it sounds like that, because it is’
‘We’ll see’, I tell him, slowly wiggling out of his embrace
and yawn. The wine doesn’t know time.
‘We will’, he says, pulling me back to him again.
THE END
