Episode 3

Shan and Karthik are BFF's. Who could have guessed that? I mean I had a plan. I was going to move out of my parents' place and start alone and go on an adventurous path of self-realization and self-discovery. Well, that is never going to happen now. Damn.

If I lose my job, there is no way that can happen anytime soon. I have been working for more than a couple of years, but I am a shopper. Shopping is my sin of choice.

I am not sure whether I should go home already or should I wait around. I don't know. It was 1'o clock in the afternoon , I might as well have lunch. I go to the cafeteria and get some paranthas, from "Aunty's paranthas". They are super yummy. I decide today is a good day to have chocolate-almond ice cream, so I sit around and have the ice cream as well. If it had been the evening there would have been lot of other options by way of snacks. Well this is not the first time my luck ran out today. What can I say? Looks like am a stress-eater.

I come to my desk; I might as well check mails. I do. No mails that look like electronic pink slips. Phew… Maybe Shan isn’t as bad as he looks. Maybe he really does smile and my judgy-eyes make them seem like smirk-smile. Naaaa.

I decide to finish my work and leave for the day.

I normally take the office shuttle from and back home. I leave earlier than usual and wait for the shuttle. Not many people standing around. I see a copper color SUV driving towards me and stop in front of me. I can see Shan is the driver; he rolls down the window and asks me to get in. I go, I want my job. I try for a genuine smile, but the lack of practice must have shown on my face. The good people did advise us to keep our enemies closer; they did not say anything about smiling for our manager.

I hear someone clearing his throat from behind and I reluctantly turn back to look. Of course, the little tattle-tale! Shan of the big mouth and very many smirk smiles.

Say hello to Karthik!

Karthik of the tall, broad shouldered, dusky handsomeness. Karthik of the soulful brown eyes, sharp nose and the perfect mouth on a strong looking jaw with lines of arrogance around.

I sigh; he is a sight for sore eyes, usually. Right now he looks like he is going to turn into the big bad green monster with questionable rage control at any moment. I sigh for a different reason now.

I am waiting for a miracle here. Anything, anything to not look at him. Anything, anything to not have him here. I’m hoping for an accident, praying for one. Maybe Shan will get a stroke, a heart attack? Maybe I will get a stroke or a heart attack.

‘Hi, how are you?’ I ask, I try being civil. He just looks at me, with what looks like restrained anger.

I just can't face it right now in the right way. What to do? What to do people? What do you do in such a situation? You blabber is what you do.

‘I didn’t know you were Shan’s friend. Did you guys know each other long?’

I force myself to look at him. Again he credits me with only a stare. Time goes on but the silence remains, I keep turning back to check if Karthik is really still there, he is. Right. Suddenly Shan slams the break and looks at me. ‘Get down!’

I didn’t need any more encouragement if he was offering a way out. Wow, awesome! Phew!! Where did that come from? Did Shan feel too awkward???? I will be model employee. I can actually write a book on work ethics and manager relationships and dedicate it to him.

‘That’s funny. You look relieved’. A very warm hand on my elbow. Uh-oh. Stupid. We were in front of a coffee shop which had tables as far away from each other as possible. He drags me inside. What the hell was he thinking? He can't push me like this can he? No way. I try to break his grip. Once, twice, thrice. Man, he is strong.

‘Karthik’

No action reaction.

‘Karthik, remove your hand right now. I can walk in myself’ – if only my voice came out right it would have sounded good. But it was shaking. I was shaking too.

‘It is your running away that makes me cautious!’. He spoke at last. It was a very very bitter monotone. He had a nice voice though. Not a baritone but low enough. He is right, I would bolt if I can get away from it.

‘I need to know only one thing here. When I get that, you are free to go, ok? Stop squirming now’. Bah. I did the right thing. This was too much bossiness for one guy.

I am forced to sit. Well, why force me? It's not like I am going to stand through the conversation right? I didn’t deserve this treatment.

He beckons the waiter and orders two cappuccinos. God, how bland, why come to a coffee shop and order a plain old cappuccino? I correct my order. I opt for one of those chocolaty icy coffee drinks. Karthik looks utterly surprised at the other end and he looks like he has reached some limit he had set for himself.  

‘Are you bipolar or something or maybe some form of dementia or amnesia?’ he asks. He looks like he was hoping that was true. That would solve all his problems.

My mind – What? What? What?

My mouth – open……. Open …. And , open…

I haven’t ever been called mentally ill in a serious frame of discussion, with my mouth open, I might even look the part.

‘I ask because apparently you still seem to believe we are engaged, you broke it remember? The way you behave right now..', the green guy was right under his skin.

My Mind – Ohhhhhh

My mouth – open still

'Do you want to say something now? Or are you just going to sit there and wait for your dentist to start inspecting?'

My Mind – Think something, say something dammit

My mouth – closed for a second, open  again

‘And the last time I spoke to you, you made it sound like I was the villain and you were getting out of a really bad thing’.

My Mind – Did I? Yes, within a week of the un-engagement, he did speak to me to ask why and I remember telling him about my eyes getting opened and me getting enlightened. I tend to deflect when I am to blame, and it might have sounded like I was blaming him. Crap.So much for thinking I will never meet him ever.

My mouth – ‘See Karthik, there are some things better left unsaid. You really don’t want to know’. I had to say something to close my mouth even if it made no sense. Seriously, why did he agree to marry me again?

‘Believe me I do. I have been trying to reach you in all possible ways. I knew your colleague, so I could have really reached you. But I didn’t. Not until I’d heard what you’d told Shan’.

Uh-oh. Shan, you whistle blower you!

‘Look Karthik, it is not personal ok. I just had to do it. I did you a favor. I’m not the type of gal you want to marry alright? I’m all wrong for you!’. God's honest truth!

He took a deep breath like he was holding onto his patience.

‘Why would such a girl go and tell her colleagues she is still engaged and wants to move?’

A researcher really? Didn’t I just tell him I’m all wrong? A wrong gal for him would do that wouldn’t she? Use him and all?

‘Ok, tell me, what story I say will make you stop questioning me?’

‘This is awesome, you break the engagement, you tell me a shit reason, you use my name for some shit transfer, you want to tell me some shit story???’. He was still, his face held no trace of emotion and was completely blank. There was something scary in his eyes. I have never been on the receiving side of real anger till now.

I admit that I am scared. Ask me tomorrow, and I might say I was mildly amused. But now I am. Also, ‘shit’ seems like his favorite swear word. The guy is just not that creative!

The waiter came with my order. This is my cue. ‘Who do you think you are? You have no right to question me. It's not as if you were interested in the marriage right? It's not like we went out and started liking each other. So, why the fact finding now? So what if I did something like that? If Shan had not been your friend you wouldn’t have known at all. So why do you care?’. I get up. The waiter still stands watching, his mouth open, glad I can have this effect on people too. 

‘I am happy I broke the engagement and I don’t want to see you ever again ok? Never, ever’.  The waiter still stood by the table with his tray wondering what to do. I stomp off.

Karthik can't come without paying the bill, can he? Serves him right! As soon as I am out I almost run. I hope I get an auto soon. I know this is juvenile. But I really didn't have an answer for him, heck, I didn’t know it myself.

Wait a minute, wasn't that the problem right there? I take a deep breath. I start walking back to him; he doesn’t deserve what I just did. Not fair for him to get caught in cross hairs that concerned me, we were about to be engaged, but we didn’t know each other well. He didn't deserve this. I should try to make it right. Wish me luck!

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1  Episode 2

Episode 2

It’s been three weeks since my engagement and the ensuing un-engagement; I went from affianced to de-fianced. My parents are still super pissed off.

I wish I had put some thought into all this. But I was not exactly thinking. I told you, he was handsome and 22-23 is not too old enough to not be blinded by good looks. But at least I did wake up later. I mean, the guy was into research people!! It’s just a constructive way for extremely obsessive people to do something about their obsessions that would otherwise be considered abnormal. What was I thinking??

In a gist this is what happened on the fateful day after my engagement (Some would argue that my engagement was the fateful one). The next day after my parents were rested and looked positively better, I sneaked up on them and declared I am not interested in the marriage and they should stop it. If they cant I will do it myself, Karthik is a good guy (really? I had no idea!), he would understand for sure.

I had no idea I so thoroughly had displeased my parents for my full 23 or so years. Being the only daughter in an almost upper middle class family made you a princess of a sort. I was always either extremely liked or thoroughly disliked, not much ambivalence there. My father especially found it the right time to highlight all my shortcomings. I will summarize for you guys – I am not good enough to reject Karthik. I am a fool in all categories of foolishness. I will readily agree to the 2^nd part. But the 1^st one, naaaa.. I am better. A researcher? He is a geek, come on I could do better! This is what I keep telling myself. All I know right now is that, I had to do this. I am not yet sure why, but I just had to.

Interestingly my mom was really silent and not her usual screaming self. I am just waiting for her break out any minute now. Three weeks. I wonder why there has been no reaction from her. Scary. I feel my nerves rattle every time she looks at me with such undisturbed eyes. A mother has to be disturbed. I just threw a good marriage away, didn't I? Aren't mothers supposed to be throwing fits and blackmailing with suicides and all that? Seriously, no?

But the bottom-line is, I stopped my marriage. I felt a weight that I didn't know I carried escape me as soon as it was official that the engagement was broken. I am in full party mood and I snuck out twice last week to join a few of my hangout buddies for some into- the-night party action. It was fun. But I feel my strict parents know and just don't care. It’s scary too. I mean as much as I am pampered I am from this modern but not-so-modern family where things like partying and too much male association are taboo.

 Okay, a silent father, a silently watchful mother, easy to handle isn't it? They don’t ask me what I do, where I go or anything. They still cook all my favorite dishes, but no questions, no restrictions. I must be happy. I am. I really am, it is not really bugging me. Right!

I am off to office of course. I have not told anyone in my team that I got un-engaged. At first I didn't want to answer their prying questions. But now I have a secondary reason.  A 23-24 year old gal has to have been away from her house for at least a year in all those 22 years.

But I have stayed in the same neighbourhood for as long as I can remember. I want out. And this of course is my ticket. Married ladies and about to be married ladies always get to go wherever they want. I was about to be married. It won’t hurt my manager what he doesn’t know. That’s my ticket out of this all-people-know-me-from-childhood area. I am a feminist and all. As much as using this marriage a reason for my escape is irking my feminist side, I have decided this is an exceptional situation. There is nothing wrong with a girl relocating for her husband right? So, there is nothing wrong in using that as an excuse right?

This made absolute sense to me. So I ask my manager Shan for a meeting.

Now, if the universe was trying to make things happen for me, he wouldn't be my manager. He was youngish for a manager. But we didn't get along. It all started on the weekend he wanted me to work but I couldn't because I was sick. But then all of a sudden I felt better when my friends asked me to go shopping so I went. Surprise, surprise, as fate would have it, guess who I met in the mall?

So when I schedule a meeting with Shan, giving his usual smirk-smile he had especially for me and only me, schedules it right away. So here we are.

‘So tell me Priya, what did you want to talk to me about?’

‘Hi Shan, how are you?’

Smirk-Smiles. ‘I’m good thank you. So go on’

It would really hurt his tongue to ask me how I am I guess. ‘I want to talk about my relocation Shan. I've been asking you many times and I've not been getting it. Finally, now you are going to have to. I am getting married…’

‘Is it? Congrats! When is the marriage?’

‘Oh that.. The date is not yet fixed Shan. It will be soon..’

‘Oh great news! So engaged huh?’

‘Yes yes thanks. See the point is.. My fiancé is working in Bangalore and I’m gonna have to move there too, if its well before my marriage it would be easy for me to get adjusted to everything there…’

‘That could be arranged Priya. Tell me when is the right time for you, I will have a discussion with the clients and the upper management’. Okay. That’s a first. A straight yes?

I smirk-smile now. ‘Thanks Shan, it is mostly within the next three months. The guy’s family wants it to be asap. So..’

‘Is that so? That’s good! I’l see if we can get it that early. Might be a bit difficult. Again.. Your fiancé is?..’

‘Karthik. He is into research. In Bangalore.’ See, when you lie, you need to stick to the truth as much as possible. This news about Karthik and his work are known to most of my team mates.

‘Karthik?’

‘Yeah.. That’s the name’. My mind goes - What’s your problem?

‘So when did you get engaged?’

‘Three weeks back, I sent you an invite too…’ . I really wish I did. I seriously cant remember.

‘Hmmm.. Are you sure Priya?’

Okay, what’s that about? Are you sure you sent me an invite? Or are you sure it is Karthik that you are getting married to? Weird..

‘Yes. I think I sent you an invite.’

His eyes narrow down and suddenly he looks angry. He puts his mobile on the table in between us and mimes for me to pick it up. I pick up the mobile. 

There is a photo displayed - A big birthday cake with ‘Happy Birthday Shanky’ written on it; Booze near the cake. Ok, so he has friends who celebrate his birthday, newsflash!!. What am I to make of it?

‘Scroll!’ a bark from him. Can this meeting get any weirder? I scroll. Shirtless ‘Shanky’ with a group of guys trying to lift him, a group of guys shaking the booze and spraying on unsuspecting floors (no hope for the carpets), ‘Shanky’ and each guy in the group one by one and then the last picture that I saw – ‘Shanky’ and Karthik with raised beer bottles. Oops!

‘You want to say anything Priya?’

My mind – Shit shit shit shit shit shit…

My mouth – open, close, clear throat. Open,close, clear throat…..

‘Priya?’

I very calmly put the mobile down, get up and get the hell out. Busted!!! Could I get terminated for this?????

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1

Episode 1

Oops! It was one of those days. Have you been there? When you have wanted something for a long long long time but finally, when you are sitting in your cozy little house and that-thing-you-wanted-most is almost at the threshold, have you gone into an outright panic attack?? There I am! Me! Totally panicked!

By the way, before I tell you why I am so panicked, the least I can do is introduce myself. If am not being polite, please excuse me. I am sure you would understand when you know my situation. Ok, to the point – I am Priya. Not a unique fancy name. Priya Ramakrishnan, the latter part of my name being that of my dad’s. Ugh. But my name, is a name that is short already, so can't be shortened further to be used at least on some great moments (possibly romantic?) in life. But no. Can it be Pri?? ‘Hi, Pri! Hello Pri’, of course it can be Pri. But that’s about the only shortened version to my name. Anything else would sound like indecipherable sounds that humans or non-humans make.

Ok, got sidetracked, back to the panicky problem. I am like 24 years old. Your average what is it? Who is India’s Jane Doe anyway?  Your average girl who could have made life above average, but was too caught up in the moment to have a vision that went beyond a week. And all those years of adolescent vision-blindness is right now biting me on the butt when I am about to go out to one of the most important event in my life. I am getting engaged today. Engaged, betrothed, spoken-for. Luckily this guy is perfect. He is handsome, some would wonder why he chose me. This guy could have had the best looking girl in my class, my God; she is actually an amateur model. But no, he settled for me. I am not exactly your classical gliding beauty. Nor am I your cute tom boy. If you did a line up of all the best looking girls in your high school class, I would end up in the line for sure, but more towards the rear end than to the front.

But that’s just me, my groom-to-be is your above average to-die-for (if you are a romantic) kind of a guy. This guy is really handsome, as in RUGGEDLY(noticed the upper case?). He has got about just a bit more than enough on his bank account and he is into some research kind of work, which he patiently tried to explain to me when we met(more like had to meet) but of course, I tuned it out. It was all too much for me. Well, who would want to know about some next generation thing that no one knows about anyways, when she is too busy thinking all typical bride thoughts on a possible fiancé??

See, you just about pegged me for brainless girly girl. Not true. I have brains. I used to have at least, it stopped working about the time hormone-drive happened or whatever it is that happens. But I am sort of intelligent bordering on brilliant. I would have understood but I was tuning him out mostly because he looked genuinely interested in what he did for a living and I was really really not. I do not like what I was doing for my living. I know you are going to ask, but you can guess already. I am one of those IT professionals hailing from and in the sacred land of IT-dom in the great peninsula of India. And I have no liking for my job. I just didn’t even think if that’s what I wanted. I just did it.

And I really didn’t know if he is what I want, I just assumed he was like my dream man. And I said yes. What’s with the ‘he’ business, I’ll introduce him as well. His name is Karthik. Whatever you say about him one thing stands - he is one of the best looking guys that I have seen so far in my 23 or so years. (You are right; I am in the habit of keeping my age a mystery! Well, duh!!) .

Now I am waiting in my room to be engaged to this handsome guy who makes me think why oh why did he choose me. And I am panicking. I do not want this guy. I do not want this job. What am I doing? I am fully dressed up. Assortment of a maroon silk saree with jewels that my parents had saved and saved and saved from my birth and then, me all made up and shining with all the glitter and what not. I look like someone else. It’s not me in any sense of the word ‘ME’. Nope.

I am sweating, spoiling my bridal make up (even though it is a betrothal). I probably have never looked better in my life. I probably never ever not care how I looked in my life. The words were screaming in my mind. I DON’T LIKE MY LIFE. I don’t like my life. I don’t like my life. I don’t, I don’t.

What am I going to do? Get engaged to this guy whom if I had met in my college or work I could never have scored with? Then get on with it and go to work tomorrow like this panic attack did not happen? It was too much. Even for me. A person needed to like something in his or her life. I suddenly didn’t like the idea that I consented to be arranged for my marriage. MY is the keyword. It was my marriage but I left it to my parents. It was my decision as to what I wanted to do in my life and I did not take that decision with the brain that I know I have. No thoughts. It was a process unguided from me. I wrote my 12^th exams. Results were good, joined a very good Engineering college, one of the numerous down here, and then got placed into this IT giant of a company through campus, it was all so easy, and it all just happened and I went along with the flow. How stupidly stupid!

Vision-blinded. That is a good nick name. VB. That’s me. I am hit by a sudden depression with all signs of extreme eating spree on the way. I am already scanning my room for eatables. Where is chocolate when a girl wants it? Where the hell is it??? I search and search and search. Nope. No chocolate anywhere in my room. That depresses me more. Funny I know. But hey am depressed I have a right to think about chocolate in the same context of love, career and all that. I really do.

Ok, so now what. I know there is no point in asking you guys. You are probably wishing that I end this charade and get a move on to the next thing. But right then my cell phone beeps. There is suddenly relief. Cell Phone. A part of my entire adolescent life even more than myself, and I had forgotten the existence of that particular technology in the last 5 minutes. The beep is from my best friend. Already married and settled in States. She has dropped me a text but I don’t open it, I have hit the call button already. After four agonizing rings she picks up and screams.

‘Hey, Preeeeeeee!! Am so happy ! So all dressed up? Taken photos yet?? How do you look? What are you wearing?? Preeee!! This is huge’

‘uh Swati? Calm down. Don’t shout so much, My ears….’ She does not let me complete.

‘Darling? What happened? Make up not good?’ She picked up on darling after she went there. This and sweetie and honey. Hmph! She is the girly girl. Make-up is her biggest concern. See?

‘Nope. Make up’s just fine’.

‘Just fine? Who is the beautician? I gave you the number of the one that my cousin used. She looked great. It’s the same one right? Sweetie, I am gonna kill her. Just fine?? Fine? That’s no word for an engagement…’ I cut her short now.

‘Swathi no... It is not that. I look good. I really do.’ This is one is capable of murdering the beautician all the way from States. ‘It's not that. Swathi… I.. I don’t know how to say this’ I already know my bestest of friends is going to tell me I got cold feet.

‘Come on.. don’t tell me you are scared darling! It happens. Its only engagement, not like marriage..’. Ya! That really helps!

‘I am not scared.. I have decided finally. I am not going to marry this one! No way’. I didn’t know I had decided. Best friends have a way of helping without realizing they do.

‘Whaaat?? Are you mad? You don’t want to get married? And you decided that now?? What happened to you? Really what? You know what? You go out there now and be with auntie, I know she is busy and all but no way in hell you are staying alone right now. You are scared. Cold feet. That’s all. Don’t decide now. No don’t..’ . See? There it is. I told you.

‘Noooo.. Its not like that. I am cool now. Not panicked. I just don’t see myself getting married to Karthik.’

‘You don’t see it now? Like just now? What were you doing all these days? You just said you don’t see now.. ugh Priya.. What the hell is wrong with you? I am calling uncle right now and then I am calling Karthik’. A mistake, she badly wanted to talk to him and I had obliged.

‘No.. don’t.. I’l talk to them myself. Its not like this engagement is a big affair. Only close family. I am sure they will understand. Pretty sure’. I knew she understood I am not going to change my decision now.

‘No no.. Don’t do it! Think what your mom and dad will go through… no darling. You are just panicked, Don’t don’t do it.’

‘This will be a problem, I know that. But if I didn't do anything, it will be a disaster…’ cut short again.

‘You are mad is what you are. Don’t do it. Go get engaged, we’ll think about the rest later. For god’s sake don’t break it now in front of all your family and relatives. His relatives. Don’t do it.. don’t…’.I'd had enough. I just hung up and switched off my cell too. Walked across the living room and set the landline off-hook.

But she made a point. There is no need for a scene in front of the families and relatives. There really isn’t.