Episode 27

'Ok, so what is the plan again?', Anitha asks me. I had just explained to her what had happened. First my mom comes home to give me a wake up call, but she got a wake up call when Karthik turned up. Then he left, she lectured and she left and Karthik came back again because I sounded upset and took me out for dinner and ice cream and did not bring up the whole incident even after I ranted to him initially for a solid thirty minutes. But he did drop a bomb though. We were back home after the ice cream, we came and found Anitha was back and asleep. I made myself comfortable on my couch and he came sat next to me, held me, his hands moved on my back in circles which was so relaxing after all the stress. I went supple and relaxed and finally he said,

'You know, I told you about winning an award?'

'Oh yeah. I am so sorry, I totally forgot. I am a total drama queen. Congrats! And what award?', I said, leaning into him.

'Yeah, it is called Innovator award, they give this to one person every year and this year I got it. It is not a huge deal but they make a big deal out of it.'

'You won an award which is called the Innovator award? That is cool!', I hugged him to show my support. Seriously? Only one award in his whole company and he bagged it? My boyfriend is a genius. I am so proud.

'I am sooo proud of you Karthik. Wow! Amazing!', I hugged him tighter. He gave me a shy look and I was surprised. Honest to God, I had never seen a shy look on this particular man ever. Apparently, he was shy about receiving awards. Awww.. Modesty can be sexy at times.

'So, there is a whole ceremony that is held and I am allowed to bring family and friends. I want you to come you know..'

I squealed. Yup, I pulled a girly move and squealed. 'Yesss. I will be there. I wouldn’t miss it. I so want to come and see you get the Innovator award. By the way, what are you receiving this award for?'

'A couple of months back, there was a big problem in the module we were working on and it looked like we are not going to be ready for a much marketed feature. I kinda helped with it and we were able to finish it off with only a slight delay.. Soo..'

'Niiiiiiice. You are so cool, I forget you are a nerd!', I told him. He just chuckled. He got up and got ready to leave. He even bent down and kissed me and I felt very awarded for whatever reason. He reached the door and then just looked back at me and said,

'My parents will be there too. It will be exciting'.

Ummm.. Sorry? By the time I let myself face the reality of that statement, he had left already. That jerk! What a complete jackass! Giving me a shock and high tailing off??

'The plan? I don’t have a plan, I am making this up as I go..', I find myself telling Anitha.

'Maybe you should have a plan. Going in a disguise isn’t a good plan. It is a stupid plan. I thought you were joking, but you look serious and that scares me', Anitha adds. Well, I know disguising myself to the award thing is stupid, in my defense, I am desperate. I have thought of a lot of options wherein I can see him receive what seems to be an important career achievement but I do not want to do that with his parents present. One option is to ask him to somehow convince his parents not to come. The other option is me going in disguise. Disguise is actually the most reasonable option.

'I know you are scared. But this is getting really old. You will have to meet them at some point or the other. So just suck it up. It is a big day for him! You can't ask him not to invite his parents?'

Did she just ask me to suck it up? I am not a sucking-it-up kinda girl. I am more of a live-in-denial kinda girl. I mean honestly, does she know me?

'You are right. I can't ask him not to invite his parents for this. I am going to find a wonderful excuse that will prevent me from attending it without hurting his feelings', I say. I have lot of thinking to do. I can see a recorded play back of the award ceremony and appreciate him in some other way that still proves I am a good girlfriend.

'Seriously? You are crazy!', oh yes, that'd change my mind.

'Give me a break. I am not in the right place right now.', I tell her, in a matter-of-fact tone.

'That is why you shouldn’t do any thinking right now', she says in the same tone.

I sigh. A huge sigh. It comes out shaking. Before I know, Anitha is near me, her hand on my shoulder.

'I know this seems like a big issue. But you honestly dodged a bullet. Anything could have happened when Karthik came here while your mom was here. But, your mom accepted it. Karthik, was so sweet, he came to you even after you try to pass him off as a friend right in front of him. I mean, if that had happened to me, I would be having a fight like no other and ended things or given some sort of ultimatum. You got more support and all that. Anyways your mother knows. The cat is out. What is the problem in letting his parents know? If you decide to come, he will probably tell them in advance and prepare them too'

'I will meet his parents , they will get to know too. This means we get engaged again and get married soon. It is all happening and I seem to have no say in it', I say, voicing my real thoughts. Anitha gives a reaction as if they are really stupid thoughts. Well, I knew. I so needed that to be validated.

'Really? You want to hear my thoughts on this?', Anitha all but threatens.

'Nope. I want your thoughts on something else.'. I know she is right. But I am going to need some time to get comfortable with the idea. The award ceremony is after more than a month, plenty of time.

She gives me narrowed eyes, but I ignore her and carry on.

'I am going to start like a group thing. You know that site where we can organize meets and group activities and publish it and people can join and all that?'

'Yeah?'

'I am going to start a group aiming towards people who are going through what I am going through… You know…'

'Mid life crisis?', she asks her eye brows bobbing up and down in an effort to make light of the moment given her previous outburst. I let her do it. I don’t want to have a fight where she is right. So, that is easy.

'Early adult life crisis to be exact'.

'Okay. Why do you want to have this group thing?'

'Can discuss with all these people and do something.. Might get ideas.. Might be useful.. who knows?'

'Okay. I am not sure if anything will come of it. But try it. You haven’t done anything and you haven’t done any self-discovery or self-invention or even useful realizations. So might be something..', she used a lot of air-quotes there. If I am to decipher it, she probably didn’t take me or any of this seriously. Well, I am overcome with support today.

'Yeah. Exactly what I thought, but without the air-quotes', I tell her.

She gives me a half-hug and smiles self-deprecatingly. 'Honey, it is not as if I am having the ball of my life'.

She moves back. 'I am going out with Naren for dinner. Will be back 10ish?', she informs me.

I nod. I have a group to start, online.

I login to the site. They had a lot of rules and regulations and I also visited other groups to get a feel of it. There were a lot of fun groups actually. I joined one named 'Anything Fun' and one more named 'Escape'. They seemed to be having amazing time if one were to believe the pictures. I also joined the 'Chennai Book Club', but it was a restricted group, I had to answer a questionnaire and the admin would decide to add me or not.

I don’t read, but Karthik does. I am able to fill in other questions but I do not know any books that are impressive enough. So I text him to list his favorite books. He asks if I wanted a top five. I reply saying 'Sure'. He sends me a list and I just copy paste it and submit. Okay time to focus again.

After researching for more than an hour on whats and hows, I create my group. Then I get stumped on the first field where I am to enter the group name. I try to think of something catchy but conveying the spirit of the group(or lack there-of). I spend half an hour googling good names and get nothing at all. So I tentatively enter the name as BLANK.

Then I had to choose what is the area that the group targets. This seemed even more difficult. I mean, what does one say for Early adult life crisis or IT life crisis? Hmmm. IT life crisis I type.

I enter the IT life crisis and very interesting options pop up. There are tags that said Mid life crisis and Adult careers 50+ and such. But majority were Swingers party, mid life men, Kinky fetishes, BDSM. Well, I am not sure how these are related to life crisis. But apparently the search algorithm thinks so. There is one option called Alternative Careers, but that kind of seemed restrictive. We might not be looking for just careers, we might be looking for hobbies or part times and such. I might not have a mission, I have vision though, apparently. So I create my own tag and decide to name it Early Adult Life Crisis, because, IT life crisis is too restrictive as well.

After almost being done with the group thing, I still cannot even come up with a name. I keep it as BLANK, unoriginal, but it also reflects my current mindset, and probably the  crisis in question too? Anyways, I can always change the name. Yup, that is me. Jump in without a plan or even much of thought. So yes, I have a group named BLANK. I am promised all people who have selected related areas of interest will be notified and invited. I am also asked to make the group attractive looking to impress people. Okay, so what do I do? I already who the first few members of the group are going to be. I search for memes and ecards that convey the spirit of the group. I find a couple of funny ones and add them. I spend some time browsing for more ecards. Man, they are addictive. Okay. Focus. Focus again.

I send the link to the tall trio, Anitha and Karthik and ask them to join the group ASAP. Karthik replies saying, he isn’t going through any crisis, and also that I should reconsider the name. He then adds another text to say he will call me soon. Not a very supportive boyfriend.

Anitha sends me a thumbs up emoji. I hope this illustrious response means she will join and support me. Naren doesn’t respond, hope Anitha's clout turns him around. Vivek sends me a one word response with an 'OK'. I am sure he isn’t having any life crisis either. Aditya sends me a laughing emoji where his eyes aren’t just watering but attempting to start a river. I will have to cut that friendship I guess. I send the link to all the Whatsapp groups. I hope I don’t get blocked from them.

I keep monitoring the group for members. Anitha joined. There wasn’t any other member. After sometime I see Naren. Cool. I get sleepy just looking at the total members number. But I stay up and find one more member after sometime. Yayyy. It isn’t even one of my friends' group. So, I text the tall trio, Anitha and Karthik informing of this extraordinary achievement.

I again get a thumbs up from Anitha, 'OK' from Vivek and the same extreme laughing emoji from Aditya. No response from my dear boyfriend though. I go visit the member's profile. The member is female and her name is Hema, but she hasn’t put any other details about her. Hmm. This might be a dud member. I don’t let that affect me though. It is till Yayyyy.

I fall asleep dreaming of what all the BLANK group would do and how we will experience transformation. I don’t even have dinner.

Episode 26

'Ummm.. No. I want to. I keep planning but…', I say to my mom.

She came over to my place some time back and I am glad no one unexpected isn’t here. It was only Anitha and she came up with an excuse to leave. We spoke for some time about the normal comings and goings and then she started asking what I am doing towards whatever was my reason for leaving home.

'I had high hopes for you Priya..', she says.

Ouch. That is never a welcome statement from a parent. This is one of those statements that should always be in present or present continuous tense.

'I mean..'

'I keep asking you about this and you keep coming up with excuses.'

'No.. Not excuses..'

'No Priya. I was thinking you are going to find something and make something of yourself or at least explore or move in that direction…'

'I…'. Yeah. But..

'All you have done is enjoy with friends and do things like cooking which you know you don’t like. Do you think you are in your teens?'

'No. I…'. She is right, I was stalling as I had no clue.

'Is this what you wanted to do? Is this why you left home?'

Again, I keep quiet. What do you say to that? I am not allowed to have fun?

'I don’t know. I support you every single time your father talks against the things that you do. I am disappointed.'

'Mom! I…'. That, I do know. She supported me. I mean, she helped me even get out of home.

'I don’t know why I thought you will do something useful with your time. I am not sure what have you been doing with all this time. Seriously. What have you been doing? You have not even tried to change your company.'

'Ummm.. I…'

'Really.. You like your work one day and you are bored and uninterested the other. If you are not going to do anything you want or enjoy in your life, you might as well do what we want or like'

Shit. My mother is on a roll. I have no points to make in my favor. I continue staring at my painted toes. They are about to chip, I guess some vitamin A is needed.

My bell rings. I go to open the door, glad to escape the tirade for even few seconds. It is probably Anitha returning back. Preoccupied, I open the door fully and I hear a very cheerful voice as soon as I open it.

'Priya! I have news to tell you. I got this award at work, I am sooo…', he stops and realize why. My mother who was sitting on one of our new chairs is standing now looking at Karthik, her eyes all narrowed and probably a muscle or a nerve jumping against her temple. I am not very well versed in human physiology.

Karthik isn’t supposed to exist in my world. Karthik is dead to me in the world that exists for my parents.

'Mom…', I start. I start but I am entirely unsure what to tell her. Karthik has to stop just dropping by unannounced.

 'Okay. I know what you have been doing with your time', she says with heavy dose of bitter sarcasm. I look at Karthik, hinting him to leave. But he steps inside, making me move and closes the door. Right. He is going to support me even if I get pummeled in the process.

Sometimes you see a dirty mutt on the street. It looks sick, obviously unkept and like the carrier of multitude of diseases, pestilence personified. You feel an urge to help it, but you don’t want it anywhere near you. That is exactly the kind of look my mother is giving Karthik. Shit. Actually, it is a misplaced look, because one isn’t programmed to direct that look at one's own progeny. It is the way of evolution.

She looks at me, her face blank. Having achieved the blankness of expression, when she again sets her eyes on Karthik, the blankness remains thankfully.

'Explain. Are you friends somehow? Is that what this is?'

'Yep', I say. 'We became friends. He came to talk to me to see what was the real drama and we ended up becoming friends', I add, there, that is believable.

Karthik clears his throat. Come on. His notoriety in this subject is well known, but this is my mother. I don’t want to do anything like stomp on his foot or nudge him in a highly discouraging way with my elbow to his relatively soft stomach area or something to warn him, mainly because we are standing in front of my mom and it will be too obvious. I still quickly give him a quelling look.

'Friends?', my mom asks looking at him, not me. She knows me too well.

Karthik doesn’t answer for the longest time, I think hours. Finally, since my mother wouldn’t look away, he says, 'Yeah. You could say that'.

This here, this exact conversation, is from hell. I would like to know what I did in my life to earn this, travel back in time and set it right.

'You are such good friends that you casually drop by her house, the house where until recently only she used to live in?'

Right. A mother is a mother always.

'We are close friends mom', I say automatically in that chiding tone you use with parents.

'Yes, and I was born day before yesterday', she says in a calm agreeable tone.

Karthik sighs. 'Mrs. Prema', he starts, oh god, oh no. 'We are more than just friends. We did not mean for this to be a secret, we were just waiting for the right time to tell you'.

Speak for yourself Mr.Karthik. I meant for this to be a secret, at least from my parents.

My mother who was standing, now kind of sits back on the chair. God. I have driven her to her limits.

'Mom, I…'

She puts up her hand. 'I know you lie to me but I always, always thought you wouldn’t lie when it came to important stuff'.

Yup, glad to have contributed more towards her disappointment.

'Is there anything else I should know?'

I shake my head.

'Karthik, I know you aren’t at fault for anything here. I am also sorry for what I am about to say. But, would you please leave? I have lot of things to discuss with my daughter…'

Yup. That is my mother.

'Sorry to meet you again like this aunty. I will leave now', he says and quite boldly squeezes my fisted hand on his way out. Man, he has guts. I close my eyes at his display in front of my mother. I would never be able to decide if this is incredibly sweet or extremely thoughtless. I hear the door open and I open my eyes, he has stepped out and gives me a barely perceptible nod before he turns and closes off the door at the same time.

'I see that you have spent all your time in accomplishing that', my mother says pointing at the door.

My mom's face was blank and so is her tone. Not sure what is going on in her mind. Then again, it has never been easy in my life to guess what goes on in her mind. I sigh.

'I…', I start the sentence. But no idea what to tell her, if she is unhappy, then I don’t have an explanation because that is exactly what had happened, I got side tracked, found it easy to keep myself occupied about things I can do something about. If she was happy about this, okay, I have no idea how to even process that.

I hear my mom sigh and I look up giving up the pretense of trying to make some point or the other.

'I came here to talk to you thinking you are lost and that you are feeling down. You sounded increasingly bored and unoccupied', she says shaking her head slightly. I probably sounded that way because I wasn’t telling them about big chunks in my life. I felt guilty. But, I couldn’t have done anything about it.

I go sit at her feet. I always did this in all possible situations. When I was sad, when she was sad, when I did something wrong, when I was depressed, when I wanted something from her, when she was scolding me or being mad at me, I went and sat by her feet when she was on the big sofa at home. If I was sad I put my head on her lap. If she was mad I tried to get her to cool down. If I wanted something I again put my head on her lap, it worked. I have never done any serious shit in my life that put me in such a situation where I am not sure of the extent of my mistakes. I don’t think it tells good things about my life but that’s the truth, I was a daddy's girl and mommy's girl and I never did anything in life which I knew would hurt them or disappoint them or something they disapproved of strongly.

The extent of my parents being mad at me were probably not helping them out on chores or over sleeping on days they had other plans or manipulating them into giving me more pocket money and spend it on silly useless things. I had good academic results, I was interested in other things like debating, sports and things. All my friends were good and I spent my teens and ensuing years going unscathed without any questionable male association or any sort of questionable associations for that matter, hell, I did not even have good guy troubles or friend troubles. Maybe I should have done more. Maybe I should have not stopped myself from doing things I wanted when I was growing up. I did not have any real experiences in my life. I did not have any moments which touched and moved me. I had not invested myself in anything enough for me to know what I really liked and what I didn’t. I just sit down at my mother's feet in front of her and I try to explain this all to her. I know I can't say exactly what is going on in my head because if I told them I had to get away from them as I could never do anything beyond them that would hurt her.

'Mom. You are right. I haven’t been using up my time effectively. I get easily side-tracked and I get distracted. I am not sure what does it for me. I don’t know. I feel like I should live all over again. I have not had any defining moments in my life except the broken engagement thing. I haven’t been moved by anything. I don’t know what is me. I don’t know what makes me happy. All I know is I am missing something and that is not a clue big enough to lead me anywhere. I am having fun. I spend all my time with friends and.. and with Karthik. I like my work and many a times I don’t find it challenging enough. I wish I had this amazing unwavering passion towards it or something else in my life. But it looks like I am all about having fun, at least right now. But, you have to know. I do all this because this is what is working for me now. I don’t know what you expected me to get done. I am not suddenly going to find myself after all these clueless years. It is going to take time. It might not even happen, I have come to terms with the fact that I might spend my entire life finding it and die without knowing what I was trying to find. Or I might find that there isn’t anything to find. I might just find or not that this is life. All I have to do is live it. All I have to do is experience it.'

I am rather proud of that speech. It probably summarizes the non-issues of a lot of clueless young people with lot of time in their lives. But, hey, if that is the only issue in my life, it is a big issue for me.

'I know that lot of people get motivated in life by the idea of success, by the idea of a big salary, a beautiful home, there are people who are motivated by contributing to society, helping people, doing something, creating a change, having an impact, leaving a legacy and all that. I am motivated by none of these.', I add. That has been one of my real problems.I haven’t been able to tell myself that I am motivated by much in life. It would just be that much more depressing.

My mom looks at me. She moves forward and her hand rests on my head like the countless number of times she has done, she strokes my hair, her fingers lightly grazing my forehead.

'Motivation is not real complicated Priya. Everyone is motivated by one thing or only other. They either want to feel or be something or somewhere or they don’t want to feel or be something or somewhere. People want to be happy, safe. That is their only motivation. What changes is what makes them happy and what makes them feel safe.'

Ohhh.

'You are going about it the wrong way. You need to find what makes you happy. Not what is going to move you and change you, not some realization that is going to define the rest of your life. You need to find what makes you content and not what keeps you busy or feel like you have accomplished something. Yes, you need to feel that too, but no point accomplishing something that doesn’t make you happy, right?'

I nod. I mean, what do I say to that? I know I have an opening and I take this opportunity to put my head on her lap.

'I know Karthik is a good guy. I mean we carefully chose him for you. If it so happens that you like him too, although belatedly, I cannot really complain, can I?'

I look up into her face.

'I.. I don’t know how it happened. It just happened. I am not sure why I didn’t like him before. It was somehow different…'

'Are you sure now?', she asks.

'I think so. But, you know, let us not think about more now?'

She shakes her head. 'You were never into any one thing growing up Priya. You were into singing, you gave that up and went into dancing. You were into basketball and all of a sudden you wanted to play chess. You wanted to learn all the languages that they taught in your school and suddenly you found algebra interesting. You have always been like this. You were never someone who could keep at one thing forever. I was really surprised you changed and finished your engineering without much distraction'

Yep. This was true. Embarrassing, but true. I was never the focused-do-one-thing-excel-in-it sort of person.

'But something changed. You went into college and you did your job. You did not do much of anything else. You might be finding something is missing because you haven’t been able to do multiple things. I know part of growing up and the way our society is, you can't keep dabbling in many things. But you should try'

I sigh. Is she telling me my destiny is to keep trying things? What kind of life is that? But food for thought.

'But you can't do that to people.'

Crap. She thinks I will move on to something else because I can't stay with Karthik. Seriously?

'Mom', I call out, outraged.

'I am not saying you aren’t serious about Karthik.', she smiles. 'I am just saying it because you have to realize, if you make everything in your life about one person, it will get difficult, given your nature.'

Ohhh. Do I realize this and is that why I am not fully giving it a shot with him? Is this why I am moving at a snail's pace that Karthik felt if I had the control in this relationship we would be moving backwards?

She of course has more things to say. 'If all you can do now is work, hang out with friends and have fun. That isn’t a bad thing either. I understand why you have to be away from our influence. I do wish more for you but not what you don’t want'.

Wow. How cool is my mom?

I get up and kneeling on the floor give her a hug. 'Sorry. About everything, lying and all that'.

She just gives me a squeeze. 'Take care', she says.

I nod. 'So Karthik? He comes here often?'

Shit. A mother's worry.

'No mom. Not really. We normally hang out with Anitha, Naren and all.'

This is just a white lie. Doesn’t mean anything. She looks at me trying to judge and maybe she read the right thing.

She gets up. 'Okay, I better get going. It is getting late.'

I nod. 'You need to heat up the curry real hot before using it. You also freeze that thokku and heat it every time before use. Okay? The podi is a little spicier that usual, add ghee when you eat it'.

She had brought a lot of containers filled with food. She was giving me instructions which I am sure to forget. But she rattled on anyways. I just hug her and kiss her on her cheek.

'We miss you', she says. Shit.

'I miss you too', I tell her. It was true. I didn’t realize it, but I did miss her and dad. I need to visit them this weekend.

'I won't tell dad unless you are ready. He… he will not wait.'

She is the coolest mom ever. I hug her again. 'Thanks mom', I say.

'Take care', she once again says and leaves.

'Mom? Thanks for everything… That.. that helped'

It did. Nothing like a parent to set you right and help you figure out things.

She gives me a weird look as if it is crazy thanking her for all this and she left.

I call Anitha and let her know I am going for a walk. I grab my phone, hook my ear phones and leave locking the door. Once I reach the road I call Karthik.

'Hey. Everything alright?', he asks immediately.

'I think so. My mom gave me a lot of things to think about.'

'Oh no', he says.

'Why?'

'I am not a big fan of you thinking Priya, especially when it comes to me.'

'Very funny. It wasn’t about you. Not entirely at least'

'Ok?', his okay is a question meaning I have to elaborate.

'It was advice and things like that. Nothing major.'

'Priya?', he sounds as if he thinks I am talking bullshit. Which is true but I am not entirely ready to share what my mom said and what it meant. She actually told me not to make my life about him, now, how do I tell this to him?

'Karthik?', I say in exactly same tone just to deflect him.

I am an equal opportunity liar. I feel guilty but again, what am I to do?

I hear a sigh. 'You aren’t going to tell me what happened, are you?'

'Sorry', I tell him.

'Priya. You can tell me anything.'

What he means is, he won't judge me, and he will support and do his bit. I understand all that in his statement. I knew he is sweet, but it still gets to me.

'I will tell you Karthik. Just not right now. But, I want you to know something..'

I start, but remain silent.

'Yeah?', he prompts.

'I realized just how right you are..umm.. for me. I also realized how important you are….'.

Yup, around the time he gave me the hand squeeze in front of my mother I realized I want him in my life, as in, it would be enough for me if he were in it. I mean, he was so open about his affection even when I had just declared that we were not what we were.

'I am sorry Karthik. I panicked. I didn’t expect. Mom was already angry and you… I am sorry for the way I behaved. I won't do it again.'

'I know you were in a tough spot Priya. It is fine. I understand.'.

'She is okay with us. I mean… she exactly can't be not okay as she also had chosen you before.. I am sorry though…'.

'Babe. It is okay. It wasn’t the right time.'

I sigh.

'You don’t sound alright Priya. I am coming down there'.

Yup. I would like that.

'I will be fine. You don’t have to you know…'

'I know. See you in ten.'

'Okay', I say.

Right. And I have to not make my life completely about him. Piece of cake.

Episode 25

I don’t know. Relationships suck. You have to go to a party your boss throws because said boss is your "boyfriend's" friend. I mean who stays in constant touch with their school buddies? Who gets excited that they can introduce their girl friend to the "gang"?

Ugh.

'Are you still frowning? Really?', this from the roommate who has an infernal tendency to be upbeat about this.

I fix her with a glower but she still continues with her chirpiness.

'You look sooo good.'

Well. I better. We shopped and shopped and shopped for a dress and finally found a shiny red shirt dress which had gold toned buttons. It was a simple dress in a gorgeous shade of red somewhere between tomato and crimson which flattered my complexion. There was a slight flare just above my waist cut at the right spot making my hips look smaller. Since it was plain, I added a slim gold toned belt just above the flare, tiny golden pear shaped stud earrings, a long gold chain with tiny solid golden beads distributed evenly and which stopped a few inches above the belt. I also had on chunks of chain bracelets on my right wrist and a slim watch on the left. I had borrowed Anitha's beautiful gold toned heels which looked to be more than three inches long. Needless to say I felt like a klutz in those heels. But I looked really tall. Well, of course, I am over 5' 7 in those heels. Thank god they did not have slim heels. I can totally imagine myself getting stuck on a carpet and breaking my ankle or worse, breaking the heel. Anitha had helped me curl my long hair into lot of wisps and waves and they bounced around my head in a very attractive manner. I carried a beige sling bag which had a very slight infusion of gold toning and it shined and looked golden. That will do, I do not want to have a complete golden purse. That will be pushing it too much. We did try out tan accessories, but they fell flat. So gold it is.

Anitha is a mini retail shop. She has loads of stuff. At least this is useful. Having a roommate pays off at times. That is how I got to contour and highlight my face, who knew your face needed highlighting and contouring. I feel very feminine. Ugh. Me. Feminine. Right. What has the world come to? I look good though. The dress complemented me. The accessories looked perfect as if I did not beg borrow and almost steal every item.

'Come on. Admit it. You look good'

I sigh. 'Yeah okay. I look good. Let's not keep talking about it.'

Anitha shakes her head. 'Karthik says he will be here in five.'. She is actually holding my phone and looking at the text. The woman hasn’t heard of these things called boundaries.

'It is my phone. There is such a thing called privacy you know'

'Dude, it is the whole message and I can see it on the notifications.'

Oh.. okay. 'Still…'

'Come on I don’t go and read other people's texts. But if I can get away with it…', she shrugs.

Right.

'You are nervous', she has no doubt; she just plain states it.

'Me? Naaa..'

It is as if I did not decline, she just goes on. 'I don’t know why you are nervous. You are only meeting his friends, not family. Actually meeting the family isn’t a big deal for you either, you have already met them'.

Oh yeah. That is exactly what I wanted to hear. Not. Now I have to think on what I might have to answer to everyone's unasked questions on why I jilted him but then now I am hanging on to him with my life in my hands, holding on to it by mere threads. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating it, but I never said I am not dramatic.

Anitha and I engage in some more bickering all aimed towards cooling of my nerves, but mine are nerves of steel. They cannot be cooled down, not easily, they need to go through the cycle. I know nerves of steel do not mean this necessarily, but whatever.

I stuff a tube of lip gloss and a small comb into my clutch. It is too small to stuff my wallet in so I just pick whatever cash I have and add my credit card. I also add my driver's license, just in case, I need an ID proof. I suddenly worry that the address on the license is not the current, but it is my parents' address so that is still fine. If at all I am stuck in an emergency situation they can still be contacted. Phew, that is a load off. I know I am obsessing about tiny details. But what the hell. I am meeting all of Karthik's closest friends. Sue me. In this day and age you need to get along with the friends. He got along with mine, but , my friends are the best, so not really difficult.

I start pacing with the heels on and it is not necessarily a good thing because although Anitha and I share the same shoe size, my feet are wider and the fit isn’t exactly comfortable. I might be blistered by the end of the night. Should I change them? They look so pretty and they make my feet look delicate. Yeah, they better, they are cutting my feet in half at least.

I hear the doorbell ring and I rush to the door. I am treated to the sight of Karthik wearing a black full sleeve shirt which had a slight sheen, jeans of the darkest blue and black dress shoes. At least I think they are dress shoes, I am not entirely sure about the categories of men's shoes. The shirt looks a perfect fit and I scan the stretch against his shoulders and biceps. Oh my. Looks like he did not have time to shave in the evening and he has a stubble. I just stand stupidly looking at him and he poses wearing a knowing smile on his face. He even smells good. Damn. I control my impulse to run the back of my hand against his stubble. Stupid men and their five'o clock shadows.

'Come in', I say and walk in tripping on the high heels slightly. Right. Way to go. He is the picture of simple, understated class and I am a classic klutz. Great pair. I sigh.

'You seem ready', he says, with the same irritating chirpiness as that of my roommate. They belong together. Okay, they don’t belong together, like ever not.

'Yeah, let me just…', I say and go gulp down water.

'She is nervous', my roommate the rat, says.

Karthik chuckles. 'You look great', my roommate the flirt says.

'Thanks Anitha', Karthik says his eyes going all soft as he smiles. Oy.

'Let's go', I walk off in front of them.

'Bye Anitha', Karthik waves at her and steps in with me.

We walk in silence until we reach his car and buckle in.

'Are you really nervous?'

'Naaaa', I automatically reply.

'You look good', he says. I suppose that is his attempt to soothe my nerves.

'Thanks', I say automatically again.

'Why are you nervous?', he keeps at it.

I turn to look at him. I sigh. 'I don’t know. I feel it is very important they all like me. But I am sure at least a few won't. You know. Because of..'

I trail of.

'It is not a big deal. My friends are great. They might question your intentions given that they think you broke my heart once. But they will be fine.', he picks my right hand and gives it a twist. Okay.

'You really do look good', he says again.

Hmmm. This is not enough though. What I wanted was what I did when I saw him today. Staring at him stupidly because I was stunned, okay, stunned might be a strong word, because I was temporarily impaired by what I just saw. But I have to live with really looking good.

'Thanks', I say again. 'You look.. you look great', I bring myself to vocalize my feelings.

He sighs.

'Why are you uncomfortable? I thought we were past all this'

'Me? Uncomfortable?', I let out a nervous giggle. 'Naaaa'.

'Babe', he says making it sound like he is chiding me. Na ah. Not babe. Babe always works on me. I want to be uncomfortable. I need to come to terms with the fact that I am dating someone probably a tiny teeny bit above my league. I mean I am sometimes shallow enough to just measure someone based on looks. I don’t let it get to me but I do that. But I also know very well he is good at everything he does. His friends stand up for him and worry and care which also shows that he is a great friend. Do I deserve him? Go insecurity!

'What is going on in that head? You scare me every time you go quiet and thoughtful. I could never guess what is going to happen next'.

I scare him? Awww. How very sweet. He might not be serious, but still. I smile.

'Oh god. Don’t smile like that.' he looks concerned and bewildered.

My smile widens. Okay. He is concerned too. This makes me feel better. I know, I know. I suck. Who cares though? I don’t think I am mature enough to directly share my insecurities. At least not yet. There is a time for it and it is called never or on my death bed or dear diary only.

'It's nothing. I am just worried. You really think I look good?', yes, that's the mature me, fishing for compliments.

He smiled. The Smile actually. I feel warm and less nervous. I am hopeless.

'You look great. I..', he pauses, hopefully tongue-tied and looking for the right words to describe the greatness that is me.

'I like the red on you', he smiles, a completely different smile. A new one. This smile is very… very hot, his gaze very appreciative. Okay. This could be my new favorite.

We reach Shan's villa while idly chattering. Karthik picks out a big package from the back seat, gift wrapped. I knew I forgot something. I did not get a gift for Shan. Great.

'Oh no. I forgot to get a gift', I hide my face in both my hands. Karthik chuckles.

'It's okay. I got one. It means we got one.'

Sometimes his approach to our relationship works in my favor. 'Okay, you got a pen? Let me just add my name on the card'.

'I don’t have a pen Priya. Not to worry. I have added your name too'

'What?'

'Yeah.', is his brilliant explanation.

Oh no. He just signed a card for the both of us. He did not even ask. Forget ask, was he even going to mention it?

I just walk off. I need time to process this.

'Wait', he says. He walks with me. 'Is it so wrong that I got the gift on behalf of us?'

'I am not sure yet'.

'It is not a big deal. Do you know what Shan needs for his house? No. So it is best I got the gift and I knew you forgot, because if you remembered you would have definitely asked me what to get. It is not a big deal.'

Right. Maybe it isn’t. I decide to let this go. It isn’t a big deal. Right? I square my shoulders in an effort to relax and smile up at him. I cannot fight every time I panic. Also, I shouldn’t panic every time.

'Okay', I say.

Inexplicably Karthik gives me a half hug and I take the opportunity to slide my hands on his well defined shoulders and we head off.

Shan's villa is brilliant. I had no idea he is this tasteful.

I am introduced to Shan's fiancée Radhu alias Radhika and a lot of Karthik's friends. From the looks of things I think I should at least remember four of them who seem quite close to him. That would be Jerry also known as Jerome who was married to another friend Nandu also know as Nandini, then there is Sandhya who very openly threw icy looks at me, also married and she had brought her husband not part of the gang, so I would attempt to remember his name the next time and then there is Acchu also known as Arjun who seems aloof. This gang is big on shortened names. Hmm. Childhood friends. I unfortunately wasn’t very much in touch with childhood friends, we had all scattered away. They all called Karthik as something that sounded like 'Ritu'. How does one arrive at 'Ritu' from Karthik? And he answered, doesn’t 'Ritu' sound like a girl name? Interesting.

'Priya. So, how are you finding our boy?', this from Jerry. Boy? Karthik is a boy?

'Umm.. Good?'

They all laugh. 'Ritu. Your girlfriend is so scared. What did you do?'

'I am not scared'

'Ohh Ritu.. You trained her well', they say Ritu again and I wince internally.

'Shut up guys', says Ritu, apparently.

'How did Karthik become Ritu?'

'No idea. It just happened. He has always been Ritu for us.', says Sandhya.

'How?', I wonder out aloud.

'When we were young he looked more like a Ritu than a Karthik', Arjun says and they all double up laughing.

Huh?

'Do you want something to drink?', Karthik asks apparently trying to escape.

I nod and he walks away.

They all look at me and I feel like a piece in a museum.

'You look good. I like your style', says Nandini. I smile at her.

'Thanks'. I am glad I dressed up. Shan's place looks classy. It is a duplex with a huge living room done in cream and chocolate. I could see the kitchen from here and it was done in yellow and looked very modern. Apparently, Radhika is an interior decorator. I hear there are three rooms in the upper floor and one in the ground floor along with the kitchen. The floors were marble. Shan had invited only close friends and they were all dressed up.

'Karthik is like a brother you know.', Sandhya starts. Uh oh. Here we go.

'You caused quite a ripple last time. I hope you know what you are doing', she says. I look at the only the other person I know, which is Shan, looking for some support. He is just looking at me with a blank look. Right.

Okay. I cannot let the rest of my interactions with these guys be ruled by this thing. I look squarely at Sandhya.

'I am glad Karthik has such great friends. But what happens between Karthik and I, is between us. I had my reasons, I have explained it to him. He is okay with it. I don’t see why I have to repeat it to everyone. If you want to know, you should ask him. Besides, Karthik is a big boy, I am not after him for anything or whatever.'

As far as I know he isn’t a millionaire in disguise or a long lost prince and am not putting my evil claws into him. I have no clue why this is a big deal. I also know I am never going to be good in Sandhya's eye. So be it.

But I still add, 'You all seem nice. I would very much like to get along with you guys. But if you are going to hate me for breaking an engagement once and then getting together with him, I can't help it. I did it. I am not sorry for it. I am also not sorry to have gotten to know Karthik after.' I attempt a smile. Sandhya begins something but Nandini throws her a look and Sandhya stops. How long is Ritu going to take to get me a drink?

'Here, I will tell you why we call him Ritu.', says Jerome. He is the peace-keeper of the gang. He pulls out his wallet and shows a picture of what seems like the gang when they were seven or eight years old.

I look at the picture. They are all standing around what looks like an empty ground and I can see bicycles nearby. There were a couple of more guys who I don’t see here today. I spot Karthik right away. He was a very cute and good looking child. He was the cutest of the lot, cuter even than Sandhya. He had longer hair than the other boys and he was wearing yellow tee shirt and blue shorts and was biting his lips with his two front teeth, the hair in the front of his head curled in every which direction. One of his small hands was on the back of his head for some reason and the thumb of the other hand was hooked into the waistband of his shorts. God, he was damn cute.

'He is damn cute', I say, unable to contain myself. I am also amazed that Jerome carried that picture in his wallet. Hmmm. These guys are a really close-knit group and they seem to be actively participating in each other's lives. Okay. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that mini outburst.

'Yup. Almost girly. That is how he became Ritu. His mom calls him Karthu and we modified it further, I guess. This is what I think now. I am not sure how we came up with Ritu honestly', Shan explains.

Huh? Girly?

'Girly? You guys are crazy', I blurt out.

'I know right', says Karthik holding two drinks in each of his hands. 'But what are you referring to Pri?', he offers my drink. It looks like orange juice.

I take a big gulp and immediately realize it is a big mistake. It is not just orange juice.

'You could have told me it is not orange juice', I manage to say while trying not to cough. He grins. Idiot. I am a bit of a lightweight and this orange juice seems to have quite a concentration of vodka. All his friends observe us and look at each other? What? Are we doing any weird displays of affection? Nope. We aren’t.

'You have to drive, what are you drinking?'

'This is just orange juice. Don’t worry.', he grins again.

'Give me that. I don’t want to drink alcohol today.' I reach for the juice but he moves away. Idiot.

'Why not?', asks Arjun.

'Umm..', I don’t want to blab in front of all of them.

I don’t answer instead I move towards Karthik. 'You need to loosen up. Have that drink', he commands and drinks his juice bottoms up. The arrogant idiot.

'Is he always like this? All bossy? Also him.', I say pointing at Shan.

'Shan? Bossy? He likes to think so', says Radhika, grinning. Right.

'But yeah, Karthik pretty much is', adds Nandini. 'The trick is to just ignore him'.

'Doesn’t seem to be working for me', I frown. It really doesn’t.

'You shouldn’t even acknowledge that he is bossy. Just act as if he isn’t there when he says things you don’t like or don’t want to do or if he gives you no choice', she explains further.

Hmm. I should try to do that. In my defense, Karthik is pretty difficult to ignore. And there lies my problem.

'Don’t listen to them.' Karthik says moving towards me again.

'Oh yeah. I can ignore him', I say and smile at Nandini. I needed all the insight I can get.

'Tell me everything about him'

Arjun, Jerome and Shan all laugh. 'You are fucked', says Jerome.

Phew. The night goes well. I do drink the vodka orange though. By the end of the night everyone except Shan and Sandhya got along with me. I am introduced to more people, I can hardly remember any of them. Karthik stays by my side a lot and he gets constantly teased for it. He doesn’t leave though. He goes away to speak to his friends or to discuss things but he always comes back. I hang around with Radhika and Nandini with Sandhya hovering. I get an open invitation to join the gang whenever wherever the next time. We eat Shan's amazing catered food and we get ready to leave. Karthik goes off to talk to a group of guys who were seated in the living room.

'You two are good together', Nandini tells me. I smile.

'I can imagine. You work with Shan. I am glad he is your boss else god knows what he would do. He is completely protective of all of us. He is a couple of years older and thinks he has to take care of all of us. It is some kind of syndrome. We were hoping it will go down after Radhika, but no, it has just enveloped her too. Since he is your boss I think he will be professional and not give you much grief. He kind of lost it more than Karthik when you broke the engagement and refused to talk to him or explain.'

'I know I didn’t handle that well', I admit. I am spoilt. I don’t have anything to add in my defense.

'Yes. But don’t worry, I can see you are good for him. Unlike his ex.'

Ha. She didn’t like his ex. I love Nandini. I smile.

'See you soon', she says as Karthik comes towards us. She hugs him and leaves.

'Ritu, it went well.' I say once we reach his car, my tone teasing. I get into the car and pull off my shoes, ahhh… relief.

He actually almost blushes, so cute. Maybe I am a bit high still. Karthik isn’t cute. He is.. Well.. He is a lot of things, but cute is not it.

'Don’t call me Ritu.', he says.

'Oh why not?', he is not a Ritu. Those guys are really crazy.

'I am not a Ritu. At least not to you.'

'Okay Karthik. I just find it very funny. I might use it in the most inopportune of moments. By the way, what did you, umm, we buy for Shan?'

'It's a speaker. The room in the ground floor is being fitted with a huge T.V, home theatre and all that. All of us together got him a Polk speaker set. Mine is one of the pieces'.

Ohh. Neat. Expensive, but neat.

'You are not a Ritu. How can they call you Ritu after you grew up and built all those muscles?', I ask him pointing at his biceps.

He grins. Hmmm. He grinned a lot today. 'Stop the car', I say.

'What? Are you okay? Why?'.

'Stop. Stop. Stop the car.'

'Priya?', he asks concerned. 'You just had a couple of drinks. I did not realize', he stops the car and leans towards me. Yes, yes, lean towards me. He pulls of his seat belt to check on me, his hand touching my forehead and he moves towards me more. When he gets as close as he can, I pull him and kiss him. I have been kissed, but this is the first time I kissed someone. Hmmm. This is interesting. I have been wanting to do that from the moment he stepped into my apartment.           

'Okay. We can go now', I say, pushing him away. He gives me his new smile. I am going to call it the-hot-smile. He also looks very smug. He leans in again and gives me a peck and before I know he has pulled me into him, I am almost on the gear box, ouch. His arms go around me and one rests on my waist and the other around my neck. I get small kisses all over my face and neck and whoa, we are going into uncharted territory. I gently push him away. We both sigh. He starts the car.

'Did I do something right?', he asks.

'What?'

'You kissed me. Did I do something right?'

'Naaa. You did not compliment me enough. You left me to your friends who pounced on me the moment you were gone. You did not ask me before getting the gift. You never told me you had such close friends whom you knew your entire life. Nope. You did nothing right.'

He grins again. 'But you still kissed me'.

'I might be high'.

'You are not high. Your vocabulary is normal.'

'I am inebriated'

'Nice try. I guess I am too irresistible.'

I snort.

 'I did not compliment you enough?'

I nod.

 'Maybe I didn’t. Do you want me to elaborate?'

'I don’t want to hear it now.'

'You look amazing. I find you irresistible.' he says. He isn’t smiling but his eyes hold the same expression as when he does his hot-smile.

He might be kidding, but I couldn’t stop my eyes from popping open.

'I like this hair.' he says and gets his hand of the gear and pulls on a curl.

Keep going.

'You should wear red often.'

'Your eyes are the most attractive eyes ever. Whatever you did to them today, you should do it often.'

Ohh.. He noticed so much. Okay. Maybe I am appeased. I can't keep the smile off my face. 'This will do for now', I say, trying to sound haughty. He laughs.

'My friends liked you. I can say that. Sandhya is stubborn. But she likes you too.'

Ohh. 'You have good friends'.

'I do', he says.

We remain silent. 'I think it's time for you to tell me more about your ex.'

He sighs.

'Nandini mentioned her.', I add.

'She hated her'

'Yeah. That is what she mentioned'.

He smiles.

'I told Deepika was my undergrad class mate right?'.

I nod. 'She was beautiful. She was also intelligent. She was among the top five in our class and she modeled as a hobby for her older cousin who is an amateur designer'.

Crap. Model and a Brainiac. I cannot compete.

'I was madly in love. All it took was a couple of interactions and I had fallen. It took a long time for her, she was seeing someone else, but that ended badly. I waited and finally it happened. We were seeing each other. She was very focused on her career and I was too. We did post grad together. Then she moved to France for her research. I had asked her to marry me before she left and she had agreed.'

Oh no. It is much much worse than I imagined.

'She went to France and we couldn’t see each other for almost a year. I was saving money, every single rupee to go visit her. She told me everything and we spoke every day, we were close in spite of the distance. She even told about all the crushes she was getting on all these guys she was meeting. She was very excited living in an international surrounding. I knew she got really close with one of them. But I understood, she was all alone in a foreign country. She confessed she was scared she might do something stupid. I trusted her and told her not to worry. We planned, she and I took a month off and we met. But we had changed a lot in the year. The calls and the video chats and the texting hadn’t clued us in on the real deal. It was one year and we had not become completely different, but we had changed enough. She did not know how I fit in her life anymore. I did not know how to talk to her in person, everything I did or said made things worse. I came back angry and disappointed. We broke up after a couple of weeks. She is married now'.

I let him talk. He needed to tell me everything, I do not want him to withhold anything.

'On hindsight, I know it couldn’t have worked. We had really stopped being a couple within a couple of months since she moved to France. But I held on. She had moved on a long time before I did, but she had held on too, because she was used to talking to me and no other reason. That is what makes Nandini angry. Nandini thinks she never took us as seriously as I did. She hates her still. She thinks Deepika wasted two years of my life. Then you came, you broke the engagement too. That is why everyone was pissed, still are.'

Okay. I always wondered why Shan was over-reacting and his other friends today as well. If he wasn’t into me, I don’t see why friends were so worried. Now it made sense.

Wow. He had been engaged. I did not like that one bit. 'You were engaged.', I say.

'Not officially. I had just asked her to marry me.'

As if the lack of ceremony mattered. We were betrothed in a ceremony, it had not mattered even a little bit. But he had wanted to marry her.

'That is a sad story.'.

'It is not really. That is the story of many people trying to maintain a long distance relationship.'

'You wanted to marry her'. I do not want him to downplay the whole thing.

'I was twenty five years old. I had had the same girl friend since I was nineteen. I had no idea that I could change, I felt mature and settled at that age. But I did change. Twenty five was still formative. I see that now.'

'You matured and realized you want someone like me?'. I had succeeded in not sounding pathetic and insecure. My karma pays off at the right times.

'Why do you ask that? What do you mean someone like you?', he really does sound like he did not get what I meant.

'Your ex modeled', I point out.

'Did you not listen to me? I was happy and in love, yes. But she forgot me as soon as I was out of sight.'

'She was a model and a Brainiac.'

'Priya. You are intelligent. You don’t have a doctorate doesn’t mean you aren’t smart. You are beautiful. You have no idea how open and warm you are. You have no idea how attractive that is. You are funny, you have a big heart, you don’t expect much from anyone, you don’t define yourself based on what others do for you. I feel I can be myself when am with you. I…. ', he pauses and looks straight ahead on the road. I wait, but it was not a pause, he had stopped.

I feel like I just won a consolation prize. Great. He is telling me wonderful things about me and I feel consoled. Arrrgh.

Time to stop feeling so low.

I had to listen to the positives. My stupid insecurity reared its head today and won't go away if I don’t push it away. I take a deep breath. I like Karthik. Damn. I am in love with him. He likes me, he wants to see where it all goes. I should not let the past bother me. I had no reason to be jealous. She wasn’t here. I take a deep breath again. Besides, she modeled for her cousin. If I had a designer cousin, I could have modeled too.

'Okay, if you think all that about me, I am not going to ask you not to', I say.

He smiles. He reaches for my hand and holds it for a long time.

I get goose bumps all over, I realize I have reached the point of no return.

Episode 24

'Congratulations. This is the result of everyone's effort in this room', Sukanya says. We were all seated in a conference room and she had called us for a quick meeting. 'Thanks for all the hard work you guys had put in. We got the account'.

Niiiiiice. We got a project from the European Library chain. Sorry, the name was European and I refuse to think the name of the client, it is difficult to even think it, much less pronounce. I have been in this industry for almost four years now. After all these years, there have been only a few moments when I have felt that I am a part of something good or that I have done something that can be considered an accomplishment or even a significant contribution. This is one of those few moments.

'It is a big account and it is going to mean a lot more work, we are starting ramp ups from next month', she went on talking about road map, business plan and all that. I concentrate on stifling yawns. I had slept for less than five hours yesterday. Anitha had moved in and we were both in the new-roommates-together whirl and were having a blast. Yesterday whole night, we stalked people (mostly girls, okay, all girls) we hate in Facebook and commented about their recent photos while supporting each other in our right to hate them. Surprisingly, we were able to do this for a long time. We then went on to objectively look at crushes we had had in our lives and discuss any past relationships, by which I mean, my crushes and Anitha's relationships. Yes, crushes in plural (like dozens of plurals) and relationships in plural too. That woman had a lot of stories and she has never been single in a long long time.

I have no idea what has been going on in the conference room and suddenly Sukanya points at me and mentions my name and I stand up instinctively, someone points at you and calls your name, you stand. Did I do something?  Nope, I didn’t, I realize I am not in class. Did I nod off and am I drooling by the side of my mouth? I anxiously touch the corners of my mouth trying to appear like I am not checking for spit on my jaw. Sukanya looks at me dubiously. 'Priya was quite enthusiastic and we wouldn’t have gotten a good kick start without her help', she says. I realize, she has just been giving honorable mentions of people who contributed to the project and since I stood up, she had been forced to add a couple of more points. Suddenly I understand her emphasis on the word "enthusiastic". I sit down calmly trying to look not very embarrassed and as if I meant to stand up and get applauded.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Shan trying to not smile and looking down to achieve it. Of course, he would catch me no matter what I do or how I try to cover it up. I spend the rest of the meeting trying not to catch anyone's eye. No one wants to be the dork who is the only person who stood up when a person rattled of a list of names. I mean it, no one wants to be that person. I wait in agony for the meeting to get over. I am the first one to bolt right out when Sukanya talks about having fun and doing it again. Right.

'So, I gather you were very happy that we got the project?', my nemesis, smirk-smiles.

'Uhhh.. Ya ya. It is a good thing. It is a…', I am trying to recollect if I heard how many millions the project would bring the company, but nope, I of course slept off when those finer unimportant details were announced.

'It is a very good thing', I continue, sounding like a moron.

Shan smiles, more smile than smirk. 'So looks like you expected an award?'

'Ummm….', I say, articulating myself like a seasoned writer.

'Or maybe you thought you got caught snoring.'

Shit. I do the most logical thing to do. I defend my honor.

'I don’t snore.'

Shan laughs, shaking his head.

'I am throwing a party at my home this weekend. I have invited Karthik. I won't mind if you tagged along.'

'Wow. I feel very welcome'

Shan smirk-smiles. 'Well, you are. Try to come. I mean, really try'.

Okay. I nod. 'I will really try. I can't promise though.'

I don’t know. Shan's party? 'What is the party for?'

'I have just bought a villa. I have already done the traditional house warming. This is to break the ice on the partying side of the house warming.' he says.

I smile. Who would have thought Shan was a party throwing person? Then again I remember the photos in his phone on his hard-partying Shanky persona.

'Ohhh. That is good.' I ask him customary questions on his house and he goes into descriptions and explanations. We can have civil conversation. Not bad.

'By the way Priya. I have been meaning to ask you. I see from your status updates that you are alternately working on the same two defects every other day and never fixing them?'

Oops. 'Are you facing any issues? Are there any..', he continues to say and stops. He looks at me and smirk-smiles. 'You have been not marking them as fixed because you don’t want to work on anything else.', he says.

Busted. 'No Shan. They have been causing some issue or the other.' I go on the explain something too technical for his MBA brain to understand. Too bad, he does not get fooled.

'I expect to see an update on those defects by today EOD', he says, all serious, and walks away.

Shan, the man of many hats, one of them being make-Priya's-life-hell. Okay, so let me go and mark those issues as fixed and get myself more work, the kind I don’t always enjoy.

'Shan invited you?', Anitha asks in shock. I nod.

'Shan invited you?', she asks rearranging her surprise to another word. I sigh.

'Yup'.

'This is interesting.'

I shrug. Interesting? Right, in the alternate universe where we are buddies, or wait, where I am his manager.

'What are you going to wear?'

'That is what you are thinking?'

'Ya. I mean, this was bound to happen. Karthik is his friend and he is also your boss. So chances of you saying no is..', she makes a zero using her left index finger and thumb and curving all the other figures too.

Yup, I needed a graphical representation, words weren’t enough. I sigh.

'I am going to Naren's. Are you sure you want to cook?'.

'Yup. I told Karthik I will cook.'

She shakes her head as if she doesn’t get why I agree to such things. Well, I am trying to see if cooking can be one of my hobbies. You know I am lazy, but who knows, I might find my soul satisfied secretly. It has to be a secret, as until now, I haven’t felt it. But hey, it is easy to try cooking, so I am trying. Besides, call me backward-thinking, but I somehow did like cooking for Karthik the last time. Well, feminism means, I can be backward-thinking if I want. It is my choice.

I call Karthik to make sure he is going to be on time. But of course, he doesn’t answer. I think what I can cook. I get reminded of our first date and decide to make pasta with a white sauce. I quickly google the recipe and find that I have only one item from the required ingredients – water. I don’t even have butter or cheese. Well, I tend to snack on cheese, so it is actually better I don’t have it. But now I got to run to the store. I am still wearing the red kurta and white legging I wore to work. I quickly wash up, change to gray tracks and a blue tee shirt. I make a messy pony tail out of my hair, stuff my feet into my navy flip flops and run. I don’t have enough time.

I rush like a mad woman on a mission and fill my shopping bag. As if I have extra time and as if I am a talented cook, I also buy the pressure cooker chocolate cake mix and grab a thick chocolate syrup. Don’t ask me why, I just felt like buying all this. I am not sure if I am ever going to make the cake. But, I might use the chocolate syrup. So it is not a bad investment. I run back home. I had left my phone at home and so I go check it for missed calls or messages. None. He must be busy.

So I put the pasta to bake and think that I should buy a microwave. A microwave with bake mode will be good. I can get Anitha to make cakes and stuff.

I chop some carrots, capsicum and open the can of black olives I had bought. Yup, I am going gourmet. I put these to bake too. I start the butter and corn flour and very unsurprisingly, I burn it. I have once tasted something called as the burnt butter sauce. Can I make that? I taste the burnt-whatever in my pan but it tastes charred, not burnt. I am standing right in front of the pan, how did it char?

I start over again, I already baked the other two, and I don’t want to cook something else. I wish I had also bought a bottle of ready-to-eat sauce, just in case. But, hey, I was over-confident. I manage to only slightly burn the butter this time and I cover it up with the milk and the cheese. There was a huge list of spices on the recipe, but who has the time to measure and add all those. So, I add whatever will make this sauce authentic tasting – oregano and since I like pepper, I add pepper. So yes, I made the pasta with white sauce. The site online mentioned forty-five minutes as prep time. Bull shit. These sites lie, I took an hour and a half. I check my phone, still no answer, so I decide to make the cake too.

I just follow the instructions in the pack. A very good smelling chocolate cake is ready in no time. I let it cool but since it took some time I put it in the fridge for few minutes. I generously use the thick chocolate syrup as a substitute for cream. Since I am not entirely artistic, I just make a thick coat of the chocolate and refrain myself from making designs and such. Let's face it, me baking the cake in itself is an achievement worthy of awards. I briefly ponder telling Karthik and everyone else that I made the cake from scratch. Not a good idea, no one would believe it.

By the time the cake gets set and the pasta is almost cool, Karthik still hasn’t made an appearance, nor made a call and my stomach is reminding me of the lateness of the hour. I call him again. Luckily he picks up.

'Hey'

'Sorry Priya. Got held up. I am on the way.', he says right away.

'Okay.', I understand he was held up, but there are these things called mobile phones, through which you can call, leave a text message and what not.

'Sorry. I was rushing through, I forgot to call. Then thought better to make an appearance than to call'.

Sometimes, the man reads my mind. Okay, all the time, the man reads my mind.

'That is fine. How long are you gonna be?'

'I guess ten minutes?'

'Okay. See ya'

'See ya in ten'.

I rush back to freshen up again. The things I do for love!

I think if I have to change and then decide not to. It's not like I have subtly sexy dresses that aren’t too flashy for wearing at home. I fix my hair and put on lip balm and I hear the doorbell. Perfect. I practically run to go open the door and calm myself in the last few seconds. It is only Karthik, I tell myself. Right, as if that helps. I am as always eager and excited to see him.

'Priya', he says like someone says What's up or How do you do. As if that is the latest greeting trend.

'Karthik', I say in the same tone and the corners of his mouth lift up in an almost smile.

I feel like kissing those corners, but, I don’t. Am I shy? Maybe.

'Wow. It smells good in here.'

Oh yeah. The compliment gets to me. I give a huge smile and I find Karthik giving me a weird look.

'What?', I ask.

He shakes his head. He bends down and gives me a peck on my cheek. Hmmm.

He walks in, gets himself a bottle of water and sits on my couch.

'So, I hear you are coming for Shan's party?'

'Where did you hear that?'. I settle next to him.

'He told me he was going to invite you…'

Oh yeah, 'He did.'

He looks confused. 'Then?'

'I haven’t decided whether am going or not.'

Karthik's left eyebrow shoots up. 'Is there something to decide?'

Why does everyone think I should go? Rather, they think I have to go. Granted, I am curious and want to see what a partying Shan looks like. But, well. I will actually end up meeting all or most of Shan's friends, who are most likely Karthik's friends as well. They all probably know I kind of dumped him and well you can imagine how that can be awkward.

'Yeah. I have to think. It's Shan.'

'Shan is my best friend, since school.'

I don’t know what that says about Karthik, if you were to judge someone by their friend.

'He is my boss. He hasn’t invited anyone else from work, at least from my team. He has only invited friends.'

Karthik's left eyebrow goes up once again, much higher than the last time. He gets up from the sofa and starts muttering to himself. I catch words like save me, insane. Looks like his is muttering about Shan. I prefer to think that.

He walks back and forth for a few minutes and then mutters some more and then finally turns back to me. He takes a deep breath which suspiciously looks like an effort at calming himself. It is not looking good for me.

'I am hungry Priya. Let's have dinner?'

'Ummm.. Okay. Let me just heat the sauce?'

He nods. I have the sauce ready on a pan, I just have to re-heat it and toss the pasta and veggies in it. While I try doing it, I might have dropped some pasta and veggies, tossing is a difficult job. When I finally finish, I put the tossed end result onto a bowl. I don’t think it looks as perfect as I imagined, but it will have to do. I pick up a couple of plates, forks and spoons and carry them all to the hall.

I see that Karthik has found the can of aerated drink I had stocked up for him and he was sipping on it.

'It smells good really', he says with an encouraging smile.

I serve the pasta onto the plate and give it to him and fix myself a plate too. I wait for him to taste to catch his real reaction. His face is carefully blank and he nods. 'This is pretty good', he says. Is it really that bad? I did taste the sauce, it was decent.

I taste it and I realize the problem right away. The white sauce wasn’t bad. But the pasta hadn’t cooked through completely and the veggies were pretty bland, they hadn’t absorbed any of the sauce.

'Do you want bread? I think I have some'

'No no. I am good. This is good.'

'No I am serious. I won't feel bad if you wanted bread with the sauce. I can toast it lightly. I don’t have a toaster but we can use the tawa', I add.

Karthik sheepishly grins. 'Ya, bread please. If you don’t mind. Also, can I do the toasting?'

I narrow my eyes at him. 'Please. I am hungry', he says.

'No cake for you'

'There is cake?'

'Yup. I made it. No cake for you'

'That is unfair', he says, entirely sounding as if it is a fair deal.

I huff and puff and stomp to the kitchen with him following. I thrust the bread at him and he gets to work. So much for soul satisfaction. I stand beside him, my back resting on the counter. He butters the bread and puts it flat on the tawa to toast it. Right, as if I can't do this simple thing. So, when he is done toasting a few, I don’t wait for him, I just pick a toast, dip it in the sauce and start eating. It tastes quite okay.

'It is good. You can dig in.', I inform him and he gives his sheepish grin again.

I frown and glare and pout and what not. I am indignant.

'Don’t pout', he orders. He orders!

'I am hungry babe. I could not have waited if …'

'If? You think I can't make a toast?'

'You can of course. I just didn’t want you to, after all the effort you have put into preparing this dinner'

My jaw drops down, yet again. Was he always this, this Machiavellian? Always?

'More bread?', he asks. I eat silently, while he toasts and eats in the kitchen. When we both seem to be done and thankfully the sauce is almost over, I bring out the cake.

He doesn’t seem interested at all. So I just cut out one piece, put it on a plate and carry it to the hall.

'Babe come on', Karthik says. I take the first bite into the cake and I have to tell you, readymade pressure cooker chocolate cake topped with chocolate syrup tastes pretty unexpectedly good. I end up licking the syrup on my fingers, it is that good.

'Is it that good? Or are you just doing it?', Karthik asks suspiciously. I know right, he is impossible. But I don’t do the jaw-drop thing. I ignore him entirely.

He reaches for my cake and I smack his hand away. 'Hey', he says, but uses unnecessary force and gets my cake. Eats it too.

'There is a whole cake sitting in the kitchen', I point out. He shrugs.

'This is good. How can you not bake pasta, but can bake this?'

I guess I don’t want to tell him it is like readymade noodles.

He gets up, goes to the kitchen and comes back with two more pieces of cake.

We eat it in silence. 'The cake is really good. I did not know you could do all this. I did not even think you had the patience to do all this' he says, licking the syrup.

Okay, I feel a little guilty, if he decides to marry me because I make good cakes, then I don’t want to have misled him.

'It is just a readymade cake', I mumble. He laughs.

'Thank God', he says.

'Thank God?'

'Yeah, I was beginning to question the fundamental laws of physics. If you can make cakes, the world as we know it just was altered in some fundamental level'.

Yeah, very funny!

I punch him on his shoulder with all the strength I have. I punch him again and he blocks me, but I don’t give up. It is a good move really. I end up getting kissed.

Just like that, I lose all the steam.

'Okay, so tell me now. Why don’t you want to come to Shan's party?', the conniving schemer asks me.

'Why did I think you are a gentleman again?'

'You did? But babe', he says, as if that is a stupid thing to think.

Well, I might tell him many things, not this. 'I have decided to go. Don’t worry'

I get a hug. 'Good. But why were you not ready at first?'. I shrug.

'Okay, so safe to say that cooking is not my thing', attempting to divert him. I do not want to discuss the jilting.

'Sorry what?'

'I thought maybe since I liked cooking the last time around, maybe, it is my newfound love.'

Karthik chuckles. 'You could have asked me. I would have told you the truth in all honesty'. I sigh.

'I have no doubt', I add, laying on the sarcasm.

'Got to admit. The sauce was good. Maybe there is scope for improvement. It might be your thing yet.'

'You do know, if you encourage me, I am going to subject you to all my experiments in cooking?'

He hangs his head as if it is a grave circumstance, but he has no choice in the matter. The man can be so dramatic.

'I know. But I would do it.', he says and I also get a peck on the corner of my left temple.

Awww… He is a sweet conniving schemer.

'More cake?', I ask him and he nods.

Episode 23

‘Aww… Karthik is just so romantic’, says Anitha. We are both standing in the furniture section of a mall. We are looking for a couple of comfortable chairs. Yesterday the gang ended up hanging out at my place and we had reverted to stacks of pillows.  We were browsing and not liking most of the stuff or what we like is way beyond my budget. I have also been telling her about what has been happening between Karthik and me.

‘Yep. I agree.’

‘What a waste’

‘Hey, don’t be mean.’

‘You are the least romantic person I know.’

‘So?’, I ask and Anitha just shakes her head.

‘There is no meaning to life. I end up with the likes of Naren and you end up with Karthik.’, she says, but she says that smiling.

‘I am pretty sure Naren can be romantic.’

‘He used to be, very’

‘Ohhh… Really?’

She nodded. ‘He asked me out the very second time we met. He took me to a candle light place along the beach, we had a long dinner and we walked along the beach afterward. He then bought me some bead necklace from the lady who begged us to buy something as she was closing down her shop as we were crossing it. He bought a black bead long necklace and gave it to me. I was about to refuse, I mean we were on a first date. But then he said, “Don’t refuse it. You want to keep this so you can tell this story whenever you tell our story”’.

Wow. That does sound good. Scary, but good.

It is my turn to go ‘Awwww. Naren? I used to think he is an insensitive idiot.’.

Anitha laughs. ‘Oh. He is that too.’

We sit on some super expensive super comfortable couches not meant for shoppers to lounge on.

‘So what you are saying is, all this dies down? Slowly?’, I need to be prepared.

‘Not die. Just becomes less. Goes from every time to some times and from that to on special occasions’

That still is fine. I don’t want a relationship where am always waiting and measuring the romantic gesture.

‘Seems fine’, I say.

Anitha looks at me and laughs. ‘See, this is what I am saying. Not every girl is okay with that, everyone wants more’.

I shrug. ‘Anyways, my work sucks though.’.

‘Everyone’s work sucks, that isn’t anything new’, she says, as if that isn’t a big deal.

She adds after a second, ‘Okay, maybe not everyone’s Vivek likes being a genius, Naren loves being a civil engineer, not sure about Aditya’.

‘You have been hanging out with these guys for such long time and you don’t know?’

‘Aditya and Vivek aren’t exactly sharing. They care, they don’t share. Naren isn’t either, but he has no choice since I am the girlfriend.’, she says and shrugs.

I nod. Apparently, Naren is the glue of the gang, who would have thought?

‘How is your roommate? You two getting along now?’.

‘Oh no. She is turned into a nightmare. Now that she has started, she can’t stop complaining about everything I do. She doesn’t like the way I arrange things in the kitchen, she doesn’t like the shows I watch on the TV. She doesn’t let me do my thing either, if I sit with my laptop she complains I am hogging our broadband. She also doesn’t like you.’

‘Why? I have met her only once and did not even speak to her much.’

Anitha just shrugs. ‘You see that cot there?’, I ask pointing at a single bed.

‘Yeah. It looks good, actually looks very comfy’, she says.

‘You wanna buy that and move in with me? My room is quite spacious, we can put that bed in the other corner of the room. I know it is not top privacy situation, but if you want, you can move’.

I have never been in a dorm or a hostel. I have never had to adjust with anyone who is a roommate. I don’t know if I could, but this feels like a good idea. Anitha had been sleeping in my couch, but still we had lived together for almost a month. Didn’t seem like a bad idea.

I know Anitha and her roommate shared a room too. The area we were in, affording another room was a bit over our budget.

‘Are you sure?’, Anitha asks.

‘Yes. I am.’

She shrieks all of a sudden and gives me a hug. ‘You are a life saver. You are actually going to give me peace of mind.’, her eyes are slightly shiny. I feel a little bit guilty. I should have asked her about this long back. But, like all girls who get too much into their guys, I did too. I make a mental note not to do this again, not to ignore others.

‘Sorry’, I tell her. ‘I should have done this earlier. Much earlier. I didn’t notice anyone else.’

Anitha gives me another hug. God, she is a hugger.

‘Priya. Chill. It happens. I have seen Karthik, I know it can happen’, she says and winks.

I couldn’t not blush.

‘It is going to be fun. We are going to have loads of fun. You know what, call everyone, we have to celebrate this.’

‘Umm Anitha? We came to buy chairs and now we also have to buy a cot and a mattress.’

‘Oh yeah’, she says and we get to work.

'This is the first good thing you have told us since you moved out.', my mom says. I had just called and told her that I am getting a roommate.

'We have been worried.. You living all alone..'.

Here I thought they had finally let me go and were okay with my gig.

'Mom', I chide her.

'Your dad wants to talk', she says and I wait.

 'I don’t know if you should get a roommate.', my dad says. Unexpected.

'Oh.. Really? Why?'

'Never mind. Take care Priya', he says. What is his deal?

'You did what?', this comes from Karthik when I tell him the same. 'I asked Anitha to move in with me and she is going to', I repeat.

'Why?'

'Well.. She is having trouble with her roommate'

'You didn’t tell me you were going to.' My parents didn’t say anything about it and he wants me to have deliberated it with him? Really?

'I didn’t know. Gee, should I ask your permission?'

I sound snappy. Karthik sighs.

'You don’t think, do you?'

'Excuse me?'

'Priya, I could drop by your place anytime.'

'You could now too. It is Anitha, not my mom'

He sighs again. 'I like your friend. I really do. But..'

I lose my patience. 'It is done Karthik. I don’t know if you have a say in this.'

'All I meant is, your apartment is already small'

'Yeah? Good that you aren’t living here then..'

'Priya, god. Don’t take it the wrong way. I meant that.. If I drop by she is going to be there.'

I try to calm myself. All he is trying to tell me is that he is worried about our privacy. I take a deep breath.

'That isn’t a problem really. She is going to be with Naren most of the time…'

Karthik doesn’t respond for a long time.

'Priya, is it because of the other day?'

'What? What other day?'

'You were very dissatisfied with your work. Are you trying to fill that with a roommate? Is it just another distraction?'

Hmmm. I don’t respond. I mean, who asks such questions?

'When are you celebrating?', he asks, understanding my mood probably.

'Right now? We are just waiting for the delivery of our furniture. Everyone is coming over to my place, our place'.

'You don’t even have space for people to sit'

'You just come.'

Our furniture had all arrived. We had moved my bed and placed her new bed in the other corner. We haven’t figured out where she is going to put the rest of her things. Anitha wasn’t worried though. She said she didn’t own much of anything except her clothes and few other stuff like books.

My old couch sat in the middle and I had gotten three chairs that were not too big, but comfortably cushioned. They were all in a shade of brown against the almost cream of the couch. I arranged them around the couch and we placed the coffee table smack in the middle. Now five people can easily lounge at my place. If they were willing to give up just a bit of their personal space, six people can be seated comfortably. Kewl.

Anitha and I freshened up and while I fretted about not having anything to give our guests, she just called Naren and asked him to buy a load of stuff and winked at me. That is convenient.

Karthik comes in earlier. 'Hey Pri. Hi Anitha', he calls out.

'Finally', he says sitting on one of the chairs. 'I need not worry about spoiling your fluffy pillows'. It is as if we had not argued over the phone. I am not entirely sure if that is a good or bad thing. Is this another distraction? His question runs through my mind. Why did he say another?

I take a bottle of water to him while Anitha sits on the chair next to him.

'I am sure you are not happy with this', she says smiling at him and guessing correctly.

Karthik just chuckles. 'Well, I can say I am not entirely thrilled.'

'You are worried I am going to cramp your comings and goings', she goes on.

Karthik looks at me for a beat. I shake my head to indicate I obviously did not tell her anything.

'I am happier that I wouldn’t have to worry about her all the time.'

Huh? Really? Is this the guy that spoke to me over phone? My jaw drops down. Anitha looks at me with an awwww look. Right.

I go sit on the couch right opposite to Karthik. I needed time to figure out what he meant and if he really meant it.

'How was your day?', he asks looking at me.

I shrug at him. 'Went okay', I say.

'Is everyone else coming down?', he asks looking at Anitha.

'Yup. They should be here any minute now. Excuse me', she says, picks up her phone from the coffee table and moves away.

'I am sorry about earlier', Karthik says, leaning forward towards me. I nod.

'If it sounded like you had to ask my permission, that was really not my intention.', he went on. I nod again. 'About the other thing I said, I think you should think about it'. I nod yet again.

'You are going to spend the whole night without talking to me or give me nothing more than a couple of words?', he asks. He looks surprised. Is this another distraction? I keep hearing that in my head. I sigh.

I think about it and I open my mouth to say something and that is when Naren, Aditya and Vivek walk in.

'Yayyyyyyy', they make sounds. Naren slaps Karthik on his arm and Karthik returns the favour, Vivek and Aditya shake his hand. They all say some form of greeting to me and Anitha comes out too, still over phone. She holds the handset, loudly greets everyone, informs she will be back and again leaves.

I am shoved to the corner of the couch and Naren sits beside me and Aditya sits next to him. Naren puts his arms around me and gives me a good teeth-rattling shake, his face full of smiles. Looking at him I couldn’t not smile. I smile at him. 'You are screwed. She is much closer to your apartment now. You are going to have much lesser space.', I tell him, trying to get him to remove his arms. He laughs. I look at Karthik and Karthik is looking at me, his face blank.

'Ya. I am doomed', he says but he says it happily. Aditya just shakes his head. 'He is crazy.'

'Naren?', Anitha calls him and he looks at her. 'Where are the chips?', she asks looking into a huge bag which is apparently what we are celebrating with. Naren gets up to go help her, the dutiful boyfriend that he is. Aditya glides towards me and puts his arm around my shoulder.

'You have no idea what you got yourself into', he chuckles.

'But I can't say I did not predict this. Vivek and I both expected this', he says looking at Vivek and Vivek nods his agreement.

'It is only logical. You and Anitha have a complementary frequency'.

We have what? I look at Karthik. Karthik has picked up a bottle of beer from the table and is looking pointedly at Aditya's arm around my shoulder. He lifts his eyes to me and takes a swig. Karthik seems to have a disliking for Aditya. I couldn’t guess why. I look at Aditya, and I can't see anything to dislike about him. I lean back on the couch.

'Priya? You are so silent', Vivek observes.

Naren comes at that point to lay out a bowl of chips and crackers and such snacks.

'She is isn’t she?', he says, picks up a beer and hands it to Vivek. Takes one for himself and sits next to Aditya. Aditya removes his arm and picks his a can of soda.

'Soda?', I ask him.

'I don’t do alcohol', he says and smiles. Really?

'I am surprised'

'Why?'

'You don’t do alcohol?', I look at Karthik to share my surprise with him, but Karthik and Vivek were discussing something, it sounded very techy. Great.

The conversation flows. I remain silent. I nurse my beer. Anitha actually has wine. She sits in the other chair having pulled it to Naren's side. I try to join in but all I hear in my head is Karthik's words. Is this another distraction? Damn. He is right, partially. I do care for Anitha. She is a very good friend. She shouldn’t be with a bad roommate. But that wasn’t the only intention for me asking her to move in. I was compensating for my dissatisfaction with work. Last time I wasn’t happy, I moved out of my house, the next time I spent all my time with Karthik which isn’t a bad thing, but completely ignoring rest of my life , was. I see the pattern. All I know is that I can't keep having distractions forever. I needed something more than a distraction. I also wonder how Karthik saw all this. How did he understand all this about me? I sigh.

I look at him and he is looking at me too.  He is leaning back on his chair, looking relaxed and his arms are crossed on his chest. He had refused another drink as he had to drive back home. I don’t know what overcomes me looking at him, I look away.

'Let me get you guys more drinks', I say and get up. I go into the kitchen and I had had an inkling that Karthik might follow. He does follow me.

'Are you alright?', he asks.

'No', I tell him. 'I am confused'. He comes towards me and pulls me into a hug. His chin rests on my head. He doesn’t say anything. Ummm.. I like the hug and all, but I would prefer if he said something.

'Karthik?', I prompt. His hold tightens. 'You were right', I didn’t add, again. He didn’t need to be reminded.

'Yeah?', he talks finally.

'I have been stalling and looking for distractions.'

'That's okay. I don’t think you need to hurry', he says, as if it isn’t a big deal that he spotted it.

I nod. 'I am not worried though.'

'Ohh?'

'I am going to take my time figuring out what is the other thing I want to do.'

'Okay'

'It isn’t practical to have a soul satisfying job all the time is it?'

'Not always' , he agrees. 'Really? Soul satisfying? I can't believe I thought you were down to earth. You are really dramatic', he smiles.

'I am not dramatic'.

'You are'

'Nupe'

'Babe', he says, making it sound like an admonition.

'How do you understand me so much?'

'You are like an open book. It is not very difficult'

'Let's assume for the purposes of this conversation that I am an open book. Still, I am sure this is not something that is like written on my forehead or something'

He chuckles. He takes his time to answer. 'I also observe. Observing, recording my observations and connecting the dots is my job.'

'Are you telling me that you observe each and every one and make notes?'

'I choose who I want to observe'.

'I am not sure I like your job'. Well I don’t. I don’t always want him to know exactly what is going on in my head.

He laughs. 'Naaa.. You like everything about me', he says. Conceited isn’t he? I am not saying what he says is untrue, but he doesn’t need his ego stroked.

'I hope this is not how you connect dots at work', I say, but I only get a chuckle again, I don’t want him to continue having his delusions. I raise on my toes and give him a peck on his right cheek. 'Let's get those people some drinks', I say and walk out, fully expecting him to follow me with drinks. I had to give a run for his money on the conceit department.

I go back to find Aditya off the couch and sitting where Karthik had been sitting. Karthik and I end up sitting on the couch after he places the drinks he carried on the table.

'We thought you were doing some brewing', says Naren and everyone laughs. I stare daggers at him but he just shrugs.

'Leave them be. They are fighting', says Anitha, obviously already happily high.

'This is the new kind of fight where the fighter follows the fightee around, I guess to fight', says Aditya.

Isn't this fun? Is this what I have to endure in a higher magnitude from now on? I look at Karthik, he has this almost smile on his face. I like this almost smile too. I am hopeless, I do like everything about him. But happily hopeless which is another level of hopeless.

Everyone including Anitha leaves after we order and eat dinner. They all helped clean up the mess too. They are a good bunch. But they leave me to contemplate and contemplate I do. I had to figure out a lot of things in my life still. Growing up sucks. You can get distracted and take a break, but you can't stop the inevitable. I am glad I have good friends and a great boyfriend, I have a job I like most of the time. I just need to find another thing that makes me feel full. I vow that I will find out even though I actively plan and execute multiple distractions.