Episode 25

I don’t know. Relationships suck. You have to go to a party your boss throws because said boss is your "boyfriend's" friend. I mean who stays in constant touch with their school buddies? Who gets excited that they can introduce their girl friend to the "gang"?

Ugh.

'Are you still frowning? Really?', this from the roommate who has an infernal tendency to be upbeat about this.

I fix her with a glower but she still continues with her chirpiness.

'You look sooo good.'

Well. I better. We shopped and shopped and shopped for a dress and finally found a shiny red shirt dress which had gold toned buttons. It was a simple dress in a gorgeous shade of red somewhere between tomato and crimson which flattered my complexion. There was a slight flare just above my waist cut at the right spot making my hips look smaller. Since it was plain, I added a slim gold toned belt just above the flare, tiny golden pear shaped stud earrings, a long gold chain with tiny solid golden beads distributed evenly and which stopped a few inches above the belt. I also had on chunks of chain bracelets on my right wrist and a slim watch on the left. I had borrowed Anitha's beautiful gold toned heels which looked to be more than three inches long. Needless to say I felt like a klutz in those heels. But I looked really tall. Well, of course, I am over 5' 7 in those heels. Thank god they did not have slim heels. I can totally imagine myself getting stuck on a carpet and breaking my ankle or worse, breaking the heel. Anitha had helped me curl my long hair into lot of wisps and waves and they bounced around my head in a very attractive manner. I carried a beige sling bag which had a very slight infusion of gold toning and it shined and looked golden. That will do, I do not want to have a complete golden purse. That will be pushing it too much. We did try out tan accessories, but they fell flat. So gold it is.

Anitha is a mini retail shop. She has loads of stuff. At least this is useful. Having a roommate pays off at times. That is how I got to contour and highlight my face, who knew your face needed highlighting and contouring. I feel very feminine. Ugh. Me. Feminine. Right. What has the world come to? I look good though. The dress complemented me. The accessories looked perfect as if I did not beg borrow and almost steal every item.

'Come on. Admit it. You look good'

I sigh. 'Yeah okay. I look good. Let's not keep talking about it.'

Anitha shakes her head. 'Karthik says he will be here in five.'. She is actually holding my phone and looking at the text. The woman hasn’t heard of these things called boundaries.

'It is my phone. There is such a thing called privacy you know'

'Dude, it is the whole message and I can see it on the notifications.'

Oh.. okay. 'Still…'

'Come on I don’t go and read other people's texts. But if I can get away with it…', she shrugs.

Right.

'You are nervous', she has no doubt; she just plain states it.

'Me? Naaa..'

It is as if I did not decline, she just goes on. 'I don’t know why you are nervous. You are only meeting his friends, not family. Actually meeting the family isn’t a big deal for you either, you have already met them'.

Oh yeah. That is exactly what I wanted to hear. Not. Now I have to think on what I might have to answer to everyone's unasked questions on why I jilted him but then now I am hanging on to him with my life in my hands, holding on to it by mere threads. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating it, but I never said I am not dramatic.

Anitha and I engage in some more bickering all aimed towards cooling of my nerves, but mine are nerves of steel. They cannot be cooled down, not easily, they need to go through the cycle. I know nerves of steel do not mean this necessarily, but whatever.

I stuff a tube of lip gloss and a small comb into my clutch. It is too small to stuff my wallet in so I just pick whatever cash I have and add my credit card. I also add my driver's license, just in case, I need an ID proof. I suddenly worry that the address on the license is not the current, but it is my parents' address so that is still fine. If at all I am stuck in an emergency situation they can still be contacted. Phew, that is a load off. I know I am obsessing about tiny details. But what the hell. I am meeting all of Karthik's closest friends. Sue me. In this day and age you need to get along with the friends. He got along with mine, but , my friends are the best, so not really difficult.

I start pacing with the heels on and it is not necessarily a good thing because although Anitha and I share the same shoe size, my feet are wider and the fit isn’t exactly comfortable. I might be blistered by the end of the night. Should I change them? They look so pretty and they make my feet look delicate. Yeah, they better, they are cutting my feet in half at least.

I hear the doorbell ring and I rush to the door. I am treated to the sight of Karthik wearing a black full sleeve shirt which had a slight sheen, jeans of the darkest blue and black dress shoes. At least I think they are dress shoes, I am not entirely sure about the categories of men's shoes. The shirt looks a perfect fit and I scan the stretch against his shoulders and biceps. Oh my. Looks like he did not have time to shave in the evening and he has a stubble. I just stand stupidly looking at him and he poses wearing a knowing smile on his face. He even smells good. Damn. I control my impulse to run the back of my hand against his stubble. Stupid men and their five'o clock shadows.

'Come in', I say and walk in tripping on the high heels slightly. Right. Way to go. He is the picture of simple, understated class and I am a classic klutz. Great pair. I sigh.

'You seem ready', he says, with the same irritating chirpiness as that of my roommate. They belong together. Okay, they don’t belong together, like ever not.

'Yeah, let me just…', I say and go gulp down water.

'She is nervous', my roommate the rat, says.

Karthik chuckles. 'You look great', my roommate the flirt says.

'Thanks Anitha', Karthik says his eyes going all soft as he smiles. Oy.

'Let's go', I walk off in front of them.

'Bye Anitha', Karthik waves at her and steps in with me.

We walk in silence until we reach his car and buckle in.

'Are you really nervous?'

'Naaaa', I automatically reply.

'You look good', he says. I suppose that is his attempt to soothe my nerves.

'Thanks', I say automatically again.

'Why are you nervous?', he keeps at it.

I turn to look at him. I sigh. 'I don’t know. I feel it is very important they all like me. But I am sure at least a few won't. You know. Because of..'

I trail of.

'It is not a big deal. My friends are great. They might question your intentions given that they think you broke my heart once. But they will be fine.', he picks my right hand and gives it a twist. Okay.

'You really do look good', he says again.

Hmmm. This is not enough though. What I wanted was what I did when I saw him today. Staring at him stupidly because I was stunned, okay, stunned might be a strong word, because I was temporarily impaired by what I just saw. But I have to live with really looking good.

'Thanks', I say again. 'You look.. you look great', I bring myself to vocalize my feelings.

He sighs.

'Why are you uncomfortable? I thought we were past all this'

'Me? Uncomfortable?', I let out a nervous giggle. 'Naaaa'.

'Babe', he says making it sound like he is chiding me. Na ah. Not babe. Babe always works on me. I want to be uncomfortable. I need to come to terms with the fact that I am dating someone probably a tiny teeny bit above my league. I mean I am sometimes shallow enough to just measure someone based on looks. I don’t let it get to me but I do that. But I also know very well he is good at everything he does. His friends stand up for him and worry and care which also shows that he is a great friend. Do I deserve him? Go insecurity!

'What is going on in that head? You scare me every time you go quiet and thoughtful. I could never guess what is going to happen next'.

I scare him? Awww. How very sweet. He might not be serious, but still. I smile.

'Oh god. Don’t smile like that.' he looks concerned and bewildered.

My smile widens. Okay. He is concerned too. This makes me feel better. I know, I know. I suck. Who cares though? I don’t think I am mature enough to directly share my insecurities. At least not yet. There is a time for it and it is called never or on my death bed or dear diary only.

'It's nothing. I am just worried. You really think I look good?', yes, that's the mature me, fishing for compliments.

He smiled. The Smile actually. I feel warm and less nervous. I am hopeless.

'You look great. I..', he pauses, hopefully tongue-tied and looking for the right words to describe the greatness that is me.

'I like the red on you', he smiles, a completely different smile. A new one. This smile is very… very hot, his gaze very appreciative. Okay. This could be my new favorite.

We reach Shan's villa while idly chattering. Karthik picks out a big package from the back seat, gift wrapped. I knew I forgot something. I did not get a gift for Shan. Great.

'Oh no. I forgot to get a gift', I hide my face in both my hands. Karthik chuckles.

'It's okay. I got one. It means we got one.'

Sometimes his approach to our relationship works in my favor. 'Okay, you got a pen? Let me just add my name on the card'.

'I don’t have a pen Priya. Not to worry. I have added your name too'

'What?'

'Yeah.', is his brilliant explanation.

Oh no. He just signed a card for the both of us. He did not even ask. Forget ask, was he even going to mention it?

I just walk off. I need time to process this.

'Wait', he says. He walks with me. 'Is it so wrong that I got the gift on behalf of us?'

'I am not sure yet'.

'It is not a big deal. Do you know what Shan needs for his house? No. So it is best I got the gift and I knew you forgot, because if you remembered you would have definitely asked me what to get. It is not a big deal.'

Right. Maybe it isn’t. I decide to let this go. It isn’t a big deal. Right? I square my shoulders in an effort to relax and smile up at him. I cannot fight every time I panic. Also, I shouldn’t panic every time.

'Okay', I say.

Inexplicably Karthik gives me a half hug and I take the opportunity to slide my hands on his well defined shoulders and we head off.

Shan's villa is brilliant. I had no idea he is this tasteful.

I am introduced to Shan's fiancée Radhu alias Radhika and a lot of Karthik's friends. From the looks of things I think I should at least remember four of them who seem quite close to him. That would be Jerry also known as Jerome who was married to another friend Nandu also know as Nandini, then there is Sandhya who very openly threw icy looks at me, also married and she had brought her husband not part of the gang, so I would attempt to remember his name the next time and then there is Acchu also known as Arjun who seems aloof. This gang is big on shortened names. Hmm. Childhood friends. I unfortunately wasn’t very much in touch with childhood friends, we had all scattered away. They all called Karthik as something that sounded like 'Ritu'. How does one arrive at 'Ritu' from Karthik? And he answered, doesn’t 'Ritu' sound like a girl name? Interesting.

'Priya. So, how are you finding our boy?', this from Jerry. Boy? Karthik is a boy?

'Umm.. Good?'

They all laugh. 'Ritu. Your girlfriend is so scared. What did you do?'

'I am not scared'

'Ohh Ritu.. You trained her well', they say Ritu again and I wince internally.

'Shut up guys', says Ritu, apparently.

'How did Karthik become Ritu?'

'No idea. It just happened. He has always been Ritu for us.', says Sandhya.

'How?', I wonder out aloud.

'When we were young he looked more like a Ritu than a Karthik', Arjun says and they all double up laughing.

Huh?

'Do you want something to drink?', Karthik asks apparently trying to escape.

I nod and he walks away.

They all look at me and I feel like a piece in a museum.

'You look good. I like your style', says Nandini. I smile at her.

'Thanks'. I am glad I dressed up. Shan's place looks classy. It is a duplex with a huge living room done in cream and chocolate. I could see the kitchen from here and it was done in yellow and looked very modern. Apparently, Radhika is an interior decorator. I hear there are three rooms in the upper floor and one in the ground floor along with the kitchen. The floors were marble. Shan had invited only close friends and they were all dressed up.

'Karthik is like a brother you know.', Sandhya starts. Uh oh. Here we go.

'You caused quite a ripple last time. I hope you know what you are doing', she says. I look at the only the other person I know, which is Shan, looking for some support. He is just looking at me with a blank look. Right.

Okay. I cannot let the rest of my interactions with these guys be ruled by this thing. I look squarely at Sandhya.

'I am glad Karthik has such great friends. But what happens between Karthik and I, is between us. I had my reasons, I have explained it to him. He is okay with it. I don’t see why I have to repeat it to everyone. If you want to know, you should ask him. Besides, Karthik is a big boy, I am not after him for anything or whatever.'

As far as I know he isn’t a millionaire in disguise or a long lost prince and am not putting my evil claws into him. I have no clue why this is a big deal. I also know I am never going to be good in Sandhya's eye. So be it.

But I still add, 'You all seem nice. I would very much like to get along with you guys. But if you are going to hate me for breaking an engagement once and then getting together with him, I can't help it. I did it. I am not sorry for it. I am also not sorry to have gotten to know Karthik after.' I attempt a smile. Sandhya begins something but Nandini throws her a look and Sandhya stops. How long is Ritu going to take to get me a drink?

'Here, I will tell you why we call him Ritu.', says Jerome. He is the peace-keeper of the gang. He pulls out his wallet and shows a picture of what seems like the gang when they were seven or eight years old.

I look at the picture. They are all standing around what looks like an empty ground and I can see bicycles nearby. There were a couple of more guys who I don’t see here today. I spot Karthik right away. He was a very cute and good looking child. He was the cutest of the lot, cuter even than Sandhya. He had longer hair than the other boys and he was wearing yellow tee shirt and blue shorts and was biting his lips with his two front teeth, the hair in the front of his head curled in every which direction. One of his small hands was on the back of his head for some reason and the thumb of the other hand was hooked into the waistband of his shorts. God, he was damn cute.

'He is damn cute', I say, unable to contain myself. I am also amazed that Jerome carried that picture in his wallet. Hmmm. These guys are a really close-knit group and they seem to be actively participating in each other's lives. Okay. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that mini outburst.

'Yup. Almost girly. That is how he became Ritu. His mom calls him Karthu and we modified it further, I guess. This is what I think now. I am not sure how we came up with Ritu honestly', Shan explains.

Huh? Girly?

'Girly? You guys are crazy', I blurt out.

'I know right', says Karthik holding two drinks in each of his hands. 'But what are you referring to Pri?', he offers my drink. It looks like orange juice.

I take a big gulp and immediately realize it is a big mistake. It is not just orange juice.

'You could have told me it is not orange juice', I manage to say while trying not to cough. He grins. Idiot. I am a bit of a lightweight and this orange juice seems to have quite a concentration of vodka. All his friends observe us and look at each other? What? Are we doing any weird displays of affection? Nope. We aren’t.

'You have to drive, what are you drinking?'

'This is just orange juice. Don’t worry.', he grins again.

'Give me that. I don’t want to drink alcohol today.' I reach for the juice but he moves away. Idiot.

'Why not?', asks Arjun.

'Umm..', I don’t want to blab in front of all of them.

I don’t answer instead I move towards Karthik. 'You need to loosen up. Have that drink', he commands and drinks his juice bottoms up. The arrogant idiot.

'Is he always like this? All bossy? Also him.', I say pointing at Shan.

'Shan? Bossy? He likes to think so', says Radhika, grinning. Right.

'But yeah, Karthik pretty much is', adds Nandini. 'The trick is to just ignore him'.

'Doesn’t seem to be working for me', I frown. It really doesn’t.

'You shouldn’t even acknowledge that he is bossy. Just act as if he isn’t there when he says things you don’t like or don’t want to do or if he gives you no choice', she explains further.

Hmm. I should try to do that. In my defense, Karthik is pretty difficult to ignore. And there lies my problem.

'Don’t listen to them.' Karthik says moving towards me again.

'Oh yeah. I can ignore him', I say and smile at Nandini. I needed all the insight I can get.

'Tell me everything about him'

Arjun, Jerome and Shan all laugh. 'You are fucked', says Jerome.

Phew. The night goes well. I do drink the vodka orange though. By the end of the night everyone except Shan and Sandhya got along with me. I am introduced to more people, I can hardly remember any of them. Karthik stays by my side a lot and he gets constantly teased for it. He doesn’t leave though. He goes away to speak to his friends or to discuss things but he always comes back. I hang around with Radhika and Nandini with Sandhya hovering. I get an open invitation to join the gang whenever wherever the next time. We eat Shan's amazing catered food and we get ready to leave. Karthik goes off to talk to a group of guys who were seated in the living room.

'You two are good together', Nandini tells me. I smile.

'I can imagine. You work with Shan. I am glad he is your boss else god knows what he would do. He is completely protective of all of us. He is a couple of years older and thinks he has to take care of all of us. It is some kind of syndrome. We were hoping it will go down after Radhika, but no, it has just enveloped her too. Since he is your boss I think he will be professional and not give you much grief. He kind of lost it more than Karthik when you broke the engagement and refused to talk to him or explain.'

'I know I didn’t handle that well', I admit. I am spoilt. I don’t have anything to add in my defense.

'Yes. But don’t worry, I can see you are good for him. Unlike his ex.'

Ha. She didn’t like his ex. I love Nandini. I smile.

'See you soon', she says as Karthik comes towards us. She hugs him and leaves.

'Ritu, it went well.' I say once we reach his car, my tone teasing. I get into the car and pull off my shoes, ahhh… relief.

He actually almost blushes, so cute. Maybe I am a bit high still. Karthik isn’t cute. He is.. Well.. He is a lot of things, but cute is not it.

'Don’t call me Ritu.', he says.

'Oh why not?', he is not a Ritu. Those guys are really crazy.

'I am not a Ritu. At least not to you.'

'Okay Karthik. I just find it very funny. I might use it in the most inopportune of moments. By the way, what did you, umm, we buy for Shan?'

'It's a speaker. The room in the ground floor is being fitted with a huge T.V, home theatre and all that. All of us together got him a Polk speaker set. Mine is one of the pieces'.

Ohh. Neat. Expensive, but neat.

'You are not a Ritu. How can they call you Ritu after you grew up and built all those muscles?', I ask him pointing at his biceps.

He grins. Hmmm. He grinned a lot today. 'Stop the car', I say.

'What? Are you okay? Why?'.

'Stop. Stop. Stop the car.'

'Priya?', he asks concerned. 'You just had a couple of drinks. I did not realize', he stops the car and leans towards me. Yes, yes, lean towards me. He pulls of his seat belt to check on me, his hand touching my forehead and he moves towards me more. When he gets as close as he can, I pull him and kiss him. I have been kissed, but this is the first time I kissed someone. Hmmm. This is interesting. I have been wanting to do that from the moment he stepped into my apartment.           

'Okay. We can go now', I say, pushing him away. He gives me his new smile. I am going to call it the-hot-smile. He also looks very smug. He leans in again and gives me a peck and before I know he has pulled me into him, I am almost on the gear box, ouch. His arms go around me and one rests on my waist and the other around my neck. I get small kisses all over my face and neck and whoa, we are going into uncharted territory. I gently push him away. We both sigh. He starts the car.

'Did I do something right?', he asks.

'What?'

'You kissed me. Did I do something right?'

'Naaa. You did not compliment me enough. You left me to your friends who pounced on me the moment you were gone. You did not ask me before getting the gift. You never told me you had such close friends whom you knew your entire life. Nope. You did nothing right.'

He grins again. 'But you still kissed me'.

'I might be high'.

'You are not high. Your vocabulary is normal.'

'I am inebriated'

'Nice try. I guess I am too irresistible.'

I snort.

 'I did not compliment you enough?'

I nod.

 'Maybe I didn’t. Do you want me to elaborate?'

'I don’t want to hear it now.'

'You look amazing. I find you irresistible.' he says. He isn’t smiling but his eyes hold the same expression as when he does his hot-smile.

He might be kidding, but I couldn’t stop my eyes from popping open.

'I like this hair.' he says and gets his hand of the gear and pulls on a curl.

Keep going.

'You should wear red often.'

'Your eyes are the most attractive eyes ever. Whatever you did to them today, you should do it often.'

Ohh.. He noticed so much. Okay. Maybe I am appeased. I can't keep the smile off my face. 'This will do for now', I say, trying to sound haughty. He laughs.

'My friends liked you. I can say that. Sandhya is stubborn. But she likes you too.'

Ohh. 'You have good friends'.

'I do', he says.

We remain silent. 'I think it's time for you to tell me more about your ex.'

He sighs.

'Nandini mentioned her.', I add.

'She hated her'

'Yeah. That is what she mentioned'.

He smiles.

'I told Deepika was my undergrad class mate right?'.

I nod. 'She was beautiful. She was also intelligent. She was among the top five in our class and she modeled as a hobby for her older cousin who is an amateur designer'.

Crap. Model and a Brainiac. I cannot compete.

'I was madly in love. All it took was a couple of interactions and I had fallen. It took a long time for her, she was seeing someone else, but that ended badly. I waited and finally it happened. We were seeing each other. She was very focused on her career and I was too. We did post grad together. Then she moved to France for her research. I had asked her to marry me before she left and she had agreed.'

Oh no. It is much much worse than I imagined.

'She went to France and we couldn’t see each other for almost a year. I was saving money, every single rupee to go visit her. She told me everything and we spoke every day, we were close in spite of the distance. She even told about all the crushes she was getting on all these guys she was meeting. She was very excited living in an international surrounding. I knew she got really close with one of them. But I understood, she was all alone in a foreign country. She confessed she was scared she might do something stupid. I trusted her and told her not to worry. We planned, she and I took a month off and we met. But we had changed a lot in the year. The calls and the video chats and the texting hadn’t clued us in on the real deal. It was one year and we had not become completely different, but we had changed enough. She did not know how I fit in her life anymore. I did not know how to talk to her in person, everything I did or said made things worse. I came back angry and disappointed. We broke up after a couple of weeks. She is married now'.

I let him talk. He needed to tell me everything, I do not want him to withhold anything.

'On hindsight, I know it couldn’t have worked. We had really stopped being a couple within a couple of months since she moved to France. But I held on. She had moved on a long time before I did, but she had held on too, because she was used to talking to me and no other reason. That is what makes Nandini angry. Nandini thinks she never took us as seriously as I did. She hates her still. She thinks Deepika wasted two years of my life. Then you came, you broke the engagement too. That is why everyone was pissed, still are.'

Okay. I always wondered why Shan was over-reacting and his other friends today as well. If he wasn’t into me, I don’t see why friends were so worried. Now it made sense.

Wow. He had been engaged. I did not like that one bit. 'You were engaged.', I say.

'Not officially. I had just asked her to marry me.'

As if the lack of ceremony mattered. We were betrothed in a ceremony, it had not mattered even a little bit. But he had wanted to marry her.

'That is a sad story.'.

'It is not really. That is the story of many people trying to maintain a long distance relationship.'

'You wanted to marry her'. I do not want him to downplay the whole thing.

'I was twenty five years old. I had had the same girl friend since I was nineteen. I had no idea that I could change, I felt mature and settled at that age. But I did change. Twenty five was still formative. I see that now.'

'You matured and realized you want someone like me?'. I had succeeded in not sounding pathetic and insecure. My karma pays off at the right times.

'Why do you ask that? What do you mean someone like you?', he really does sound like he did not get what I meant.

'Your ex modeled', I point out.

'Did you not listen to me? I was happy and in love, yes. But she forgot me as soon as I was out of sight.'

'She was a model and a Brainiac.'

'Priya. You are intelligent. You don’t have a doctorate doesn’t mean you aren’t smart. You are beautiful. You have no idea how open and warm you are. You have no idea how attractive that is. You are funny, you have a big heart, you don’t expect much from anyone, you don’t define yourself based on what others do for you. I feel I can be myself when am with you. I…. ', he pauses and looks straight ahead on the road. I wait, but it was not a pause, he had stopped.

I feel like I just won a consolation prize. Great. He is telling me wonderful things about me and I feel consoled. Arrrgh.

Time to stop feeling so low.

I had to listen to the positives. My stupid insecurity reared its head today and won't go away if I don’t push it away. I take a deep breath. I like Karthik. Damn. I am in love with him. He likes me, he wants to see where it all goes. I should not let the past bother me. I had no reason to be jealous. She wasn’t here. I take a deep breath again. Besides, she modeled for her cousin. If I had a designer cousin, I could have modeled too.

'Okay, if you think all that about me, I am not going to ask you not to', I say.

He smiles. He reaches for my hand and holds it for a long time.

I get goose bumps all over, I realize I have reached the point of no return.