Episode 38

I go home and my parents’ advice follow the same theme. My father wants me to take it easy and basically according to him, I should have a normal family life. A great emphasis on normal. As if I am aiming for a revolutionary abnormal life. My mother says I have to make a choice, because according to her, one, especially a female one, cannot have it all.

After listening to this for a long time and eating a lunch of curd rice and pickle, I mean, who could cook with such conflicts happening around, I go to my old room to do thinking of my own.

Unfortunately, my head isn’t very clear. I listen to music on my old desktop and browse through the web aimlessly, while my father came into my room twice to hint that I have more important stuff to do. I have a good coffee when it is around four thirty in the evening and tell them I need to leave as I have to think alone and meet Karthik. I explained in such a way that my life is hanging on this particular discussion I would have with Karthik, which might be true but I am hoping it wouldn’t be. So anyways, since this discussion has so much gravity, my parents let me go. My father insists on dropping me back to my apartment and tries to get my mind off by talking about the time he taught me driving.

‘You were the most stubborn person ever Priya. I mean, you still don’t drive a car because of that small incident.’

Small incident?

‘Dad, it is not a small incident. I had my license. I went to a driving school, learnt how to drive and had my license and still have it. But you, you saw me make one mistake and you went and fought with them, humiliated me in front of all my friends and even advised people to not join the place because of the way they trained me. And, to make matters worse, you tried to train me yourself and do you have patience? Noooo. Face it dad, you could never train me in anything, you are not a teacher and I could have never learned from you, because I didn’t have the patience either.’

‘But you still don’t drive..’

‘Well, every time I tried, you gave me a huge list of things to look for, every single time, and still insisted on accompanying me and pasted a copy of your list on the dashboard and you basically drove me crazy, so I thought, better let you do it.  I look at a steering wheel in front of me and all I can hear is your list, even now. I don’t think I am going to forget it soon.’, and I haven’t felt the need to drive ever since. I don’t know how it would be if I actually had a need.

My father sighs.

‘I was just worried Priya. Like I am worried now.’

‘I know you are. But really, I need to weigh this in my mind and decide.’

‘Karthik is a good guy Priya. I mean..’

So, he is saying, choose him.

‘I know dad. Let’s not talk about this again today, okay?’

My father shakes his head. He is one person who can never come to terms with me deciding anything, he had to weigh in and be comfortable with it. A few months back, I might have let him, because it would have been easy and because I don’t want to see the look of worry on his face he is wearing right now.

So we reach my place in silence and my father declines coming up to my apartment. I go up to see it locked and I check my phone and see a text message from Anitha stating that she has gone out for some retail therapy. I hope it helps her. I call up Naren, wondering how he is doing, but his phone is switched off. I call Aditya, no answer. I call Vivek, switched off. Hmm. I will worry about them later.

I go and do some cleaning and arranging. I know Karthik will call or text me to let me know he would be here in fifteen minutes. I can go freshen up once he does that. I don’t know how long I was at it, cleaning the kitchen, then the bathroom, then the balcony, then the toilet. Since I did all that, I take a shower and Karthik still hasn’t contacted me. Why not? Is there anything he needs to decide too? Maybe, he also feels the same way as his parents and so is pushing meeting me? I promptly destroy the whole peace of mind the cleaning activity brought upon.

I rummage through my fridge trying to find chocolate and get reminded of another day where I had to make a decision and was rummaging through a fridge for a chocolate. Wow, I have come a full circle and where am I now? The very same stinking place where I have to make yet another decision concerning my marital status. Whoever thought of the phrase “wheel of life” must have gone through some shit in her time.

There isn’t chocolate yet again so I go for the next best thing, or at least the next best thing in my fridge, bread and butter. My phone beeps announcing a text when I pull the bread and butter out and take it to the kitchen. It is probably Karthik but since I am all freshened up, I don’t care when he arrives anymore. All I can think about is how he didn’t say anything, anything at all when his parents made all those points.

I heat some water up and put the butter along with its packaging in it to make it melt faster. I make a couple of toasts with some butter and put them on a plate. I go to the fridge to find something else and find some grapes and so I wash them up and take them in the same plate, take it to my couch and start munching. I finish the toasts, the grapes, find some raw mangoes, so I slice one and have it with a bit of salt and when am done with it, I find half a cucumber, finish that one as well and still I go in search of something else and luckily my door bell rings at that point.

I go open the door to very unpredictably find Anitha wearing colorful palazzo trousers with a top and carrying at least half a dozen bags. I let her in and belatedly realize that I am too full and let out a burp. Well, my stomach reflects my mind.

‘Sorry’, I tell her.

‘You don’t look good’, she tells me while she herself looks like shit.

‘I might puke anytime. Possibly. No, probably. I hope not’

She moves in, drops the bags by the couch.

‘Want some water?’, she asks.

‘Ummm no. Nothing that can reach my stomach. Nope.’

She looks at the plate which had the toast and the other tiny plate which still had salt in it and the knife on the coffee table alongside a huge mango seed.

‘Oh my god’

‘Ummm.. I might have not realized I had eaten all that.’

‘You want to take a walk?’, she asks, concern in her eyes. I nod. That would probably help.

I just go and swap my pajama bottoms for a pair of capris and leave with her in her two-wheeler and ride all the way to the beach. I somehow manage to refrain from lusting after the onion bhajjis which smells both delicious and nauseating at this point.

We walk, walk and walk for a long time, not talking at all. It gets slightly dark, my stomach kind of settles. I check my phone, Karthik hasn’t called or texted. I feel my stomach give a weird reaction to that thought.

‘Water?’, Anitha asks and I realize I am thirsty. I nod. We buy a bottle of water and settle down. The sea breeze has begun to cool and I kick my sandals away and stretch my legs.

‘You want to talk about it?’, I ask her.

‘No, I don’t want to. You?’

‘I have to. My head is hurting with all the thinking happening in there.’

I tell her the story and the ultimatum Karthik’s parents threw into the wind without any caution whatsoever.

‘So you think Karthik agrees with them?’, Anitha asks, her voice betraying her incredulity.

I nod.

‘How can you think that?’

‘Do you think Karthik is the kind of person who takes things slow?’, I ask her.

She snorts. ‘He is a fast go-getter type of person I guess.’

‘Well, it has been a little over seven hours since everything went down and he hasn’t called me or tried to talk to me. He said he would come by in the evening.’

Anitha stares at the beach looking like she could find her answers there.

‘He must have been caught up with something else.’

‘So caught up that he cannot call? Or text?’

‘Priya.. Maybe he is conflicted about something too. You never know. I am sure you don’t know what is going on for him there’.

‘Yeah, I don’t. So if something is happening, I am supposed to know.’

‘Did you try calling him?’

Should I?

‘When his parents wondered whether I am suitable for taking care of the family and be the responsible and capable daughter-in-law, Karthik didn’t leap to my defense you know, he said, it is something that he should discuss with me. Not that he is confident that I could do it.’

‘You are taking things out of context.’

Ugh. Am I? All I know is, there is something there. Something, he has an issue with. Something I don’t know about. Well, if I have to go by my intuition, it is something he is very reluctant to breach the subject on.

‘You should call him.’

Maybe. Okay, I should. So I call him right away. He doesn’t answer. I call again, the call gets disconnected.

Wow. Okay.

‘He must be driving?’, Anitha looks hopeful.

I text him to call me back as soon as he can.

‘We haven’t had a very traditional boyfriend-girlfriend thing you know? We never really dated. I mean, we didn’t go out for movies or restaurants or roam around much. We spent time together but it wasn’t like that. Have I completely misunderstood the whole situation?’, I hear the worry in my voice and try to control it.

‘Priya, come on. You met his parents today in the presence of your parents. How can he not be serious? Are you kidding?’, Anitha asks.

‘Ummm…. I…’

‘You are worrying yourself unnecessarily..’

‘Okay, he was serious, but is having second thoughts now.. You know like I wonder why he didn’t defend me, he might be wondering why I didn’t agree to his parents’ suggestion right away and declare “yes, anything for your son”..’

‘Ohhh…I don’t know. I guess that is possible.’

‘See?’

‘Yeah. You know what, you still can’t do much with it. You guys have to talk.’.

Yes.

I also join her in staring into the sea. Maybe there are answers there. I stare some more. Okay, maybe not.

‘There is a meeting for this trek club. It is called “Walk with history”. I found this in the same site as our “BLANK”. They are meeting tomorrow. You interested?’, I ask her.

‘What is it about?’

‘They trek to places of historical significance. It is headed by some hotshot history expert. Last time they went to some forest near Kanchipuram where supposedly a battle happened between Pallavas and some other kingdom, which changed the course of history in South India.’

‘Ohh.. Really? You find that interesting?’

‘Yeah. Isn’t it?’

‘Maybe Aditya would like it, he used to read fiction and stuff based on medieval period and all that and he is into fitness, so he might trek.’

‘Okay, shall ask him.’

Since neither of us had any interest whatsoever to do more at the beach, we decide to return home.

I call up Aditya and he does find it interesting but says he won’t really do anything actively until he tries a couple of times. I ask him about Naren and he just says that Naren’s okay, nothing more. Great.

I worry some more about Karthik and text him once again. He doesn’t respond. Maybe he needs time for whatever reason. I think about how he more or less manipulated me into this relationship. I also know that I haven’t liked or even loved anyone like I do him and probably won’t find another person like him. I mean, he was himself and he let me be myself. I am not sure if I would be that comfortable with another person. I then chide myself for thinking as if this would end. I chide myself into sleeping as well.

*****************************

I wake up the next morning after a fitful sleep. I feel tired but I couldn’t try anymore. I see Anitha is up and about and I get ready to face the day. Halfway through my brushing I realize that I haven’t heard from Karthik still and I kind of lose interest in leaving the room. But, I give myself a pep talk and manage to leave the room.

‘Hi Priya’, I hear Aditya rather than Anitha greeting me.

‘Hi Adi. Where is Anitha?’

‘She has just gone down to get vegetables and stuff.’

‘Ohhh.. What are you doing here?’

‘We were supposed to go for the history trek meeting thing? I saw her on the stairs and came up and was just considering whether I should wake you up or not..’

‘Ohh. Crap. I forgot.’, I look at the clock, it is almost nine and the meeting is at ten.

‘Yup. I am ready, if you can hurry, we can still make it?’, Aditya says.

I really do hurry.

We reach the venue which is a coffee shop with some kind of theme as there were small thatched huts and tables in them around a central big hut with a bar kind of area which apparently only served authentic degree coffee.

We find the meeting in another one of these hut things. There are around twenty odd people and all of them male. The leader who wanted to be called ‘Ars’ short for ‘Arasu’, isn’t what I expected. He is youngish and looks very modern. From his name and his profile of being a historian I somehow imagined an oldish guy with a salt and pepper beard and an optional safari hat on his head. Instead he is probably in his early thirties, completely bald and is seen in khaki shorts. I at least got the safari hat right, there was one found resting on the chair nearby.

We are late and the meeting was done and they were actually about to leave. My bad.

‘You guys are welcome for the next trek you know. We normally discuss things and decide on a place, but you guys are late. That’s okay though, will publish info in the whatsapp group. Just send me your numbers’, he says.

Aditya chats with him about few things and looks suitably impressed to things Ars was saying.

‘I am starving’, I declare once the rest of the group leaves.

‘I think they have some sort of café food. You want to eat here?’, he asks and I readily agree.

It was café food but they stuck with the theme and had Indian café food. They had items like paniyaram which I have only heard of. We order food at the big hut and we are taken to one of the smaller ones and are seated there.

‘Is everything alright?’, Aditya asks me.

‘You tell me. How is Naren?’

‘That isn’t my story to tell. You should ask Naren or better yet, ask Anitha’.

I sigh.

‘I have to let her tell me, I can’t ask her, she doesn’t seem to be doing well’.

‘She isn’t doing well? That is just very interesting’, Aditya sounds annoyed.

‘What is happening with you? You don’t look well either.’, he prompts again.

I tell him the gist if not the word for word that I gave Anitha.

‘Priya… come on.. You don’t think all that do you? You guys are really damn good together. Don’t jump to conclusions’

‘He hasn’t called me or anything, yet’

‘Give the man a break. He has the right to think and get confused and be undecided and all that. It is not only you who could always run into panic mode.’

‘Hey. I never said he couldn’t think’

‘Well you seem to be expecting him to do everything immediately while you take your own sweet time before every step.’

Hmph. Aditya is in his save-the-male-species mode. Probably because of what happened the day before. I glare at him. He just looks irritated. Well.

We eat in silence, my hunger having taken a trek down history.

‘Am sorry Priya’, Aditya says out of nowhere.

I shrug. We do more of the silent eating. My phone chimes. There is a text message, from Karthik –

           Sorry, wasn’t in a situation to call you. Will talk to you soon, real soon.

What am I supposed to do with this?

‘Is it Karthik?’, Aditya asks.

‘Yup’

‘See? I told you.’

‘Yeah’.

‘Priya, come on, I am sorry. I just, with Naren and everything and I didn’t expect this from Anitha. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I’m sorry.’

‘That’s okay Adi. You weren’t wrong either.’

He wisely doesn’t respond.

‘Where to now?’

‘Shoes for this trek? I don’t have appropriate boots or shoes.’

‘Cool.’, he says and we head off and away.

We actually end up shopping for more than just shoes. I buy a lot of other stuff which he felt important like a rucksack and some water bottles that would fit in them without occupying much space, a sleeping bag, some towels, nutrition bars, energy drinks, mosquito repellants, a huge tube of sunscreen, cleansing wipes, a miniature first aid kit, torch light, a small knife and so on. This stuff is really expensive in spite of all the discounts. Aditya apparently did this stuff and took it seriously. We end up having lunch together as well.

We are going to check out rappelling next if I really do enjoy this trekking experience. But apparently, I need to be much fitter if I had to try rappelling and he would introduce me to some strength training. How cool is that? I actually visit an indoor rock climbing and rappelling place and watch while Aditya tries his best to show me but succeeds in showing off more. I try and it isn’t a surprise, I have zero upper body strength and weak lower body strength. Brilliant.

‘You need to go home and stretch, you are going to end up with stiff and sore muscles tomorrow, try to keep active, it would go off’, Aditya advises.

‘Ugh… keep active? Nooooooo’, I whine.

It is late afternoon when we reach back home and I see Karthik’s car parked in the visitor’s area. Oops, I didn’t check my phone and when I do now, yes, he has texted me that he would be there in fifteen and this was more than a half hour ago and there were calls from Anitha as well.

Aditya and I split the stuff we need to carry and I rush back. My heart beating fast and my mind conjuring worst case scenarios.

We both enter my house to find Karthik holding a cup of coffee and strong by the smell of it and Anitha sitting beside him drinking what looks like a juice.

‘Hey Karthik, sorry didn’t check my phone.’, I say as I enter.

Karthik looks bad. Like shit. Is he recovering from a hang over?

‘You okay?’, I ask him. He nods.

‘Okay, Aditya, I wanted to go to that shop there, can you take me?’, Anitha asks, obviously wanting to leave without appearing to give us space. I mean, this is unneeded farce. Aditya shoots daggers at her.

‘Take care Karthik’, he says, nods at me, deposits the stuff he is still carrying by the door and leaves, not even checking if Anitha has followed him. Anitha goes in search of a pair of shoes and trots out in a hurry.

I look at him, he looks at me. There are no words exchanged and the air between us seems to gain weight at an alarming rate. When it reaches a stifling point, I clear my throat, unable to bear it and thus giving in. Shit, when did I think of conversations with Karthik as giving in?

‘I was expecting you yesterday Karthik’, I tell him, even managing a very neutral non-accusatory tone.

Karthik slowly sets down the glass of juice and I expect him to pat the seat next to him but he doesn’t. So I move to sit opposite him in one of the chairs, feeling extremely weird about it. I wait for him. The heavy air disappears, what there is now is vacuum and I try to take deep breaths to get over that feeling.

‘Priya…’, he starts, then pauses. His voice sounds low and hoarse. What was he doing yesterday?

‘Priya, I probably should have been here yesterday. But I had to clear my head.. After you left, there was some drama with my parents and I promised them to think of things before I came to you.’.

He looks into my eyes and I steel myself.

‘I… I did some thinking and I needed to.. anyways… I went to Shan’s place and well… I got piss drunk as you can probably see…’, he says, massaging near his left eye with the tips of his fingers.

Well, I wouldn’t say he isn’t undeserving of this.

‘Priya? What is your answer to the things my parents asked Priya?’

Damn. This is definitely not going good.

‘What exactly are those things Karthik?’. Karthik looks away, seemingly to shake off some internal dialog. His eyes find me again.

‘Will your lifestyle be like this after as well? Will you be more into the family?’

I feel my temper rising.

‘Who is asking Karthik?’, I ask him, my tone surprisingly neutral still.

‘My parents.’, he pauses.

‘The question is, do I have to make a choice and give them an answer?’.

He doesn’t say.

‘Who’s asking now Karthik? You want to know too right?’, I ask.

He nods.

‘Why Karthik?’

‘Honestly, Priya. I really thought that things will change once we get engaged or married. I wasn’t worried when my parents put forward that condition that you stop all these extra things like the “BLANK” group. Not until, I saw your face.’

Maybe that was a natural expectation. But I couldn’t help but be disappointed.

‘I thought I explained to you Karthik, that I need to keep doing things, that I want to keep doing stuff like BLANK. I thought you understood it. I thought…’

‘Priya, I get it. I just assumed…’

‘That this was all something to do until a more permanent duty like marriage and running a family came along?’

‘I….’

‘Karthik, do you know what was the first adult decision that I ever made? A decision not influenced by my parents or the society? It was stopping our engagement. That was the beginning. Everything I have done after that, I might have meandered and blundered, but I did all that because I wanted to. I tried doing things differently at work, I cooked because I wanted to change something about myself, I might not be good at it, but I can cook now, its not just out of necessity, I started BLANK because it felt right. Only thing I really didn’t need or consciously want, is you and I had no control over it. It just happened. Whatever be the case, the only thing I realized is, I am going to want to be doing these things. I need to, all this little extras have made me feel fuller, complete.’

‘I get it.. but.. Is it as important? It’s not like anyone asked you to stop working or anything?’

I take a deep breath. Really?

‘Karthik, please. Let me know this. If I asked you to reduce your work hours or take a less demanding role or position. Would you do it?’

‘It is not the same thing Priya. I have an ambition and I am half way there. I want to head all research for my company, I am already doing it in my domain. I am..’

‘So, that is worth doing and whatever I do is not?’, I intercept.

I am not egoistical in this. Believe me. Just that, I don’t subscribe to the thought that doing certain things meant not being able to be a good family member.

‘Karthik, I don’t want you to misunderstand me. I am not asking why I should be the only one giving up anything. I am asking, why should either of us give anything up for us to work? I am me and you are you and it has worked so far. Granted, we have to do some amount of adjustment and a lot of effort to continue that and hope to be happy about it. I also understand that both of us have to do some changes and adapt when we have to start a bigger family. That is something both of us should and would do if we want it to be a certain way. Do you understand?’

Karthik just looks at me his expression blank and wiped off. He really will make an awesome poker player.

‘I am not sure it will work that way, Priya. Marriage or family is like an institution that wants to grow. It needs to have people playing certain roles.’

Really? Aren’t there innovative ways of doing the same things coming up every day?

‘That is what the world thinks Karthik. We are not an institution. And we don’t have a lot of people between us. It is only us. Our relationship is what we do.’

‘I am sure you believe that Priya. But practically speaking, it might not work.’

‘Karthik… this seems pointless. You think a certain way and I apparently don’t agree with you. I will think about this from my side, but I mostly am sure that I am right in this. The day I realize I am wrong I will come to you. The day you realize that practicality isn’t some uncontrollable thing, it is what we do with our lives, you come to me. Until then, I don’t see a point in all this.’

‘What? What are you saying?’, he asks. He actually looks angry.

‘I am saying, this is a very fundamental difference Karthik. This cannot be glossed over or bridged.’, I sound calm but sad, very sad. I am kind of losing my mind here, but this is the truth as I see it.

I am going to miss him. I hope I do change my mind. Shit, I am not a very strong-minded person am I?

‘Are you sure Priya? You don’t want to talk about this? You don’t want to see if there is another way?’

‘I won’t mind trying another way which works for me as well Karthik. If there is, I am ready to try. This… This is asking me to change myself on a deeper level. This is not changing my preference from A to B. It is deeper. BLANK is one of the things I have begun to identify myself with, it is something I really want to be a part of and do, senseless though it might seem to you and others. You are asking me to be someone else when I don’t want to be, that isn’t easily done and you and I both might not like the person I become. So, let’s not prolong the suffering here, I am not masochistic, quite the opposite really given my hedonistic tendencies, you aren’t either, so this is it. ’

‘Priya.. I….’

I did make that speech confidently. Looking at Karthik looking disturbed, rubbing at his temples again and again and trying to say something, gets to me though. I want to look away, I can’t. I did fall fast. I also fell hard. It is too damn difficult to walk away now. It is also difficult because I am possibly causing all this. But, I know I am right, I want to be myself and happy with him. Not, with him but miserable and wondering who I am all my life. I cannot do this all over again.  But the thought of probably not seeing him again almost makes me agree to everything he says and have a life with him.

‘Karthik, please leave.’, I say and this time I don’t sound whole. ‘Please’, I say once again and watch him walk away after a sigh and a step forward and a hesitant but incomplete movement of his hand towards me.

What have I done now?