Episode 21

‘I missed you’, Karthik says. It is around 10.30 in the night, and he just came to my place when I was all but ready for bed. I had come back from meeting him almost two and a half hours ago. I had come back to Naren’s where I had to spill it all for Anitha and since it isn’t a big house and no one else had better jobs to do, everyone else heard it too.

‘So romantic’, Anitha proclaimed.

‘I did not expect this from you’, said Naren. When asked why he said – ‘You are just too lazy and one might add spoiled and egoistic. It is a wonder you went all the way to him. I still can’t believe it.’

‘Well, I think Karthik is the kind of person who needs to feel he has worked at something. I feel you gave in easily. This might not have been a good idea’, this from Vivek.

Wasn’t he the one who told me I should just agree with whatever Karthik said? Excuse me? When I asked this, he said, ‘Well, I was in the middle of a level in my game’.

At this, not just me, everyone else looked at Vivek like he was ET.

Anitha just went on as if Vivek hadn’t spoken, ‘If there is a chance he might come, I think I should stay here’.

‘As if you need another excuse to stay here’, said Aditya pointing at them. At that instance Naren was sitting beside Anitha and he had an arm around her shoulder and he was holding one of her hands with his other hand.

That brings us here. Karthik walks in, looking spiffy if not slightly tired even at this time. I am sure I look like a patient and curse myself for not getting fixed up. My hair was sticking in all possible directions and I was wearing very old but comfy pyjamas. Well, not much can be done now.

‘Did you have dinner?’, I ask him.

He nods. I go into the kitchen to get him some water. He sits on my only couch and I go sit beside him. He drinks from the bottle and doesn’t waste any time. He turns towards me and I end up turning towards him to face him.

‘So.. What did you want to talk about?’

‘What?’, since I was a little lost in observing the man in front of me, I did not make a connection as to what he meant.

‘You told me we had to talk? Remember?’

‘Oh yeah. I do’, I say but remain silent. Karthik looks at me to make any statement, since I don’t, he picks up my left hand in his right one.

‘Ya?’, he prompts.

‘You went incommunicado. That wasn’t right. We have to talk to resolve any problems. Not talking won’t help in anything.  You went off like that for almost three days.’

Karthik sighs, but doesn’t respond. ‘I sent you so many messages. I called you so many times’. I remind him how I was a good girl and kept the communication lines open.

‘I was just too pissed. I was worried I might say something that would cause more damage Priya.’

Hmmm. I get it. ‘Okay. I hope this is the last time. I can’t promise you I won’t fight over things you unwittingly say when pissed. But I don’t like being left hanging. It was just tooo…’, I look for the right word.

‘Rude?’, he prompts.

I shake my head. ‘More like uncaring’.

‘Sorry Priya. I didn’t mean to do it. Point noted. I will try very very hard not to repeat it. Is that okay?’

I nod. ‘Also, I am not uncaring. Never with you.’

Ohhh. I am going to take that as he cares very much for and about me. Before I say anything else, he moves forward, drops my hand. His hand moves up to my jaw, lifts my face a tiny bit, he leans forward and then –

Holy Shit. He kisses me. This is not the brush of lips that stunned me before. This is a real kiss that leaves me breathless and fuzzy brained. I still keep thinking, yes, finally, a kiss.

‘Wow’, I say out aloud. ‘That.. That was just unexpected’. He moves back a bit so I take a deep breath and lick my lips. Before I can recover, he kisses me again.

‘I could get used to this’, I say when he stops. It must have been the right thing to say because he kisses me again.

I just can’t seem to shut up. ‘You just kissed me. Like three times.’

I look at him trying to get out of the fog. I mean, wow. I can feel a tingle all along my nerve endings and this is just a kiss.

‘I was going for the speechless effect. But you keep talking’, he says, chuckling.

Well, I talk more when am drunk, so this sort of seems normal. ‘Yup, figures.’

‘Figures?’

‘No, I was thinking I normally am very loquacious when high. So… you know figures’

‘You are high? And did you just say loquacious?’

‘Probably, I also tend to tune to a higher level of vocabulary when high’

‘Yup. Of course’, he says, his eyes holding something I am unable to decipher.

‘What are you thinking?’, I ask.

Karthik pulls my hand into his and his thumb starts making circles on my palm.

‘That I like your reaction’

‘My reaction? To what?’

‘To my not talking to you, to my kiss’

Since I am bravery-challenged I say the following – ‘Let us talk about the kisses’, it is easy to discuss it than the other.

Karthik laughs.

‘Why are you laughing?’

‘I just got reminded of one of your texts, where you said you were angry and informed me you would not be talking to me or even texting me, by way of text’.

He laughs again. ‘Hey. That is no laughing matter. I believe in letting the other party know what my inner turmoils are’. Karthik decides to laugh some more.

‘Anyways, what I am trying to say is, I did not expect you will come looking for me.’, he picks up my hand and places a fleeting kiss on the backside of my hand. God, this same guy refused to talk to me yesterday? I pull my hand back.

He understands my reaction this time though. ‘I am really really sorry Priya. I knew I should not have been avoiding you. I was worried that you were not into this and I had to clear my head. I had taken a lot of things for granted and I was.. Well.. Honestly I was a bit reserved about the outcome.’

I have to give him points for this little speech. If I am reading the subtext correctly, I hear that he was scared that I might end this. But he isn’t admitting that he is scared. Karthik’s of the world are too macho.

I guess the slowly budding comfort and intimacy prompts me to do the next, I just raise my head and pinch his nose playfully and say in a baby voice, ‘Aww.. You were scared weren’t you?’.

‘What? Naaa.. I wasn’t scared. I mean why should I be? Anyways, as I was saying, I was surprised seeing you there. I mean, I didn’t think you would try’

‘Why wouldn’t I try?’

‘You haven’t exactly displayed pro-active behavior when it comes to us. So, I thought I have to figure out what and if I should do something.’

‘Hmmm’, I am not sure what to say to that.

‘As for the kiss, it is very entertaining that you got high’. He picks up my hand again.

‘Entertaining?’

‘Yup. Funny as hell. Loquacious’, he says and laughs again.

‘Well I thought you would want to know.. But since I am that funny, I probably shouldn’t tell you’

‘Tell me what?’

I shrug. I can play this game too.

‘Come on. What is it babe?’. He smiles too.

Shit. He called me babe and smiles the smile that makes my innards melty-gooey. Shit, my vocabulary just took a plunge.

‘Ummm.. nothing?’, I sound unsure to myself.

He holds both my hands in both his hands and looks into my eyes with feeling.

‘Priya. Tell me what you want to say’

God. How did he do that? I don’t have any inhibitions or reservations all of a sudden even though I am extremely worried about feeding his smugness.

‘Nuh’, is all I manage.

‘Babe’, he says.

‘That was my first kiss’. Karthik looks surprised.

‘You mean with me?’

‘I wish’

‘You are saying, no one has ever kissed you before?’

I nod. ‘How come?’

‘Well.. I know I feel like go with the flow kind of person at times. But I am not that person always. I don’t think I can kiss someone just for the sake of kissing. I need to feel that connection and have feelings before…’, well I don’t complete the statement. I am sure he gets it. He looks smug as hell and wears a certain sense of accomplishment about him. Right. Here I was, trying to not add to his already inflated ego. Well done Priya.

‘I don’t think I have complaints against that’, he says.

I didn’t think so. ‘I know your ego doesn’t need more fuel’.

He chuckles. ‘So you told me what you feel about me’

‘Yeah?’

‘I didn’t tell how I feel’

Oh.. He has to? I am not very keen on more labeling.

‘What? Not interested?’

‘Not entirely’

Karthik looks suddenly serious. ‘Priya, you need to know this. For all intents and purposes, I see you in only one way.’

Ohhh. I just look at him the obvious question written across my face.

‘You are mine.’

I am still sitting, but my knees wobble nevertheless. A thrill and a shiver both run through me. I can’t hide from such a direct declaration, can I?

‘Priya?’

I am terrified after the initial state of happy thoughts. I am his? Who talks like that?

‘I see I have scared you again.’

I remain silent. Yes, I am terrified still. ‘I am not a thing you know. I am…’

‘Babe, any other term is just a sugar coat. I can call you my girlfriend. It is just another way of saying it’.

‘I did not realize you are this possessive’, I must have known, that explains why I did not want to hear his feelings for me. I am probably the only girl in this world who doesn’t want a label or to DTR.

‘I am not planning on possessing. I am letting you know, you belong to me. You are with me. Just like I…’, he begins to say. I stop him.

‘Umm… I know we just had a fight on similar lines. Karthik, you need to understand. I am not there yet.’

He nods. ‘Babe. You are there. You just don’t wanna feel like you are there. I respect that too.’

What? How did this happen?

‘Why? Why do you want to make this all final and .. and so very permanent and like no other choice... I mean…’

‘Why not?’. He sounds slightly irritated.

‘You know the problem we have in this country? If two people are together we see that there is only one possibility for them.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Let’s say we get married… Say after a few years we change bit by bit. Suddenly one day I wake up and realize I don’t like the changed you. Would you want to give me a divorce?’

‘What?’

‘We aren’t even living together. What if you found out I have some annoying habit and it just drives you crazy and you can’t stop thinking about it and one day you just feel you would do anything to not see me being that annoying?’

‘Babe’

‘I somehow feel I am going to be a nagger. I think I am going to nag you to death. Have you thought about that? Have you?’

Suddenly Karthik sort of shakes me by holding my shoulders.

‘Calm down’

‘No Karthik. I can’t. You just told me I am yours. I mean, people say I love you. They say things like you are the best person to spend my life with. People don’t say you are mine. Who says that? Karthik, you are probably crazy.’

He now holds me tight into some sort of a weird hug given our positions and just lets me ramble. ‘Karthik, I am not very happy with your oral hygiene. That is a big no. I mean you stayed over, but I don’t recall you brushing, but you had coffee. Karthik, that is a big no. What if you don’t listen to me and one day I wake up to see you having coffee without brushing and I decide that is it. I can’t be with such a man? I mean.. What if’, I am breathing heavy and I probably flailed. Karthik gives me another teeth chattering shake.

‘Priya listen to me.’

When I still look like I am going to ramble more, he pulls me back and actually puts a finger on my lips.

‘Babe. I promise you. If any of the above things happen, I promise you I will break up with you, I will divorce you if we are married.’

Ohhh. Good. I can breathe a little bit.

‘Are you sure? I am trusting you Karthik. Please don’t let me down.’

‘Well I won’t. I am telling you, I am never going to get bored. I mean, who asks for such wonderful promises at the beginning of a relationship? The normal people I know make promises of a totally different nature.’

Right. He was being sarcastic. Doesn’t my panic look real?

‘I am serious. I need to know I can get out anytime I want’

‘Okay okay. Give me a minute, I have to remind myself why I like you.’

Huh? He isn’t taking this seriously at all. I narrow my eyes at him.

‘What? I don’t like that I have to promise to divorce you if things aren’t going well. I am more than ready to promise that I will be by your side whatever happens’.

‘What is wrong with promising both? You will be by my side when I need it and leave me when I don’t?’, Okay that doesn’t sound good.

I hold up a finger, ‘Wait I will rephrase that. What I mean is, you can promise to be by my side as long as you and I feel that way.’, does this sound better?

Karthik stands up. He folds his arms across his chest. He then drops them and starts pacing here and there. Okay. I can wait.

‘Why don’t you want this to be permanent? What is the real problem here?’

‘Well… Life is ever changing and we are just starting. Why to tie ourselves and say things now and resent them later?’, it sounds completely stupid.

‘You are not a good liar. You are also not the kind of person who can hide what she feels for more than five minutes. Tell me.’

‘Karthik’, I say, unsure what else to say. ‘Okay, I am a little worried that I might become a completely different person because of.. of you.. this relationship.. I mean I like the way I am. I know it sounds stupid, but somewhere down the line I don’t want to lose myself to you. I see all these people who change after a relationship or a marriage and I am not saying all of the changes are bad.. But.. I don’t want to be unrecognizable few years later’

‘People change Priya or some new part of them comes out, they grow. That is a fact.’

‘Ya.. But.. You ask anyone I know, no one would have believed I came to see you at your office actually. Even though I felt I am not at fault, I came to you. I don’t do things like that Karthik. I am a stubborn jerk who doesn’t admit to anything, who doesn’t try to keep people in her life. You yourself didn’t believe it. I am not…’

He shakes his head. ‘You are the most confusing person ever. Listen to me Priya, you didn’t change. Probably that part of you never came out.’

Okay. And? Karthik comes and sits down beside me. He turns and holds both my hands in his.

‘Instead of promising all those other things, what if I promised you, that I will never let you lose yourself? I will always always try to let you be you?’

I mull that over in my head. It sounded fair. I couldn’t help myself. I go in for a hug.

‘That works Karthik.’, I say. It is most definitely the perfect thing for him to say.

I feel him shaking his head. ‘What have I gotten myself into?’, he mutters and sighs.

I laugh. ‘Well, at least you know now. Imagine what would have happened if we were married. You would have been completely blindsided.’

‘Right. It isn’t that consoling a thought’, he says.

‘I need to go now Babe. It is pretty late.’, he gets up.

I sigh and nod.

‘Bye Karthik’.

He kisses me again, and since I am standing up, my knees do wobble dangerously. I have to break the kiss to keep myself from falling on my ass.

Karthik looks at my face and as if happy seeing what he saw there, nods and leaves.

I do not want him to leave.

Shit. What have I gotten myself into?

Link to previous episodes : Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4  Episode 5  Episode 6  Episode 7  Episode 8 Episode 9 Episode 10 Episode 11 Episode 12 Episode 13 Episode 14 Episode 15 Episode 16 Episode 17 Episode 18 Episode 19 Episode 20