I
feel like somehow this is a big moment in my life although all I am really
doing is provide an explanation for a supposedly huge past moment.
I
am walking back to the coffee shop, I am nervous, I am sweating bullets. I go
in not sure what condition I will find Karthik in if I find him. I have been
almost cruel with him and I had previously agreed to marry him. I surprise myself sometimes.
I
find him still seated on the table we were at slowly sipping his coffee. He was
looking straight ahead but you know that his eyes were not really focused on
anything around him; he was having an internal dialogue. Wonderful! I don't
know if I should wait it out. But if I wait, I might lose my conviction to make
an honest try in explaining things to him. So I move forward, stand in front of
him. It takes almost a minute for him to realize my presence.
He
just looks at me. No questions, no words. Okay. I might as well start. If he
doesn't want to hear any of it he can go back to being unfocused and continue
his internal dialogue. I don't mind at all.
'Karthik',
I say, he just looks at me.
'I
am sorry for how I behaved right now. It was not right.' nothing, still the
same look. Well, he didn't ask me to stop.
'Honestly,
I don't really know why I stopped our marriage Karthik. I mean, I don't have
any real reason for me to say no to you. But, I don't know. I am doing a lot of
things in my life without really meaning or wanting to do them. I was not sure
if the marriage was one of those things. I didn't have a reason to say no, but
I also didn't have a reason to say yes. That's why I stopped it Karthik.
We met a couple of months back, but neither of us tried to talk and make it
more. We were total strangers and the only reason I had agreed was because
neither me nor my parents had a reason to think we will find someone better
than you. But, I don't know if I want this. Does this make sense? It is not
because I didn't like you. I did, I mean...', I don't want to tell him how good
looking he was and I might have been smitten just a tiny teeny bit in the
beginning, later without pheromones or whatever it did not last. I clear my throat.
'The
thing is, I have a reached a point in life where I realize I am not a child
anymore and there is nothing great going to happen in my future unless I make
it happen. But, I am not sure what I am doing right now, I haven't figured it
out and I don't think I ever will if I just get married. I don't know what it
is that I should figure out either.I am not sure I should agree to do things when I am not sure if am making these decisions for the right reasons' that sounded like a non reason even to
myself, but that is the truth. There, now I realized it myself, I have
vocalized it, all be it to an almost stranger, but this has cleared my head
too.
I
look at him wondering if temporary deafness was a real thing. Can extreme rage
make you go deaf? Looking at him, I don't get any clue as to whether he heard
me let alone what he thought of it. I still sit patiently there. Who knew I
have so much patience? I even start sipping my drink, it hadn't melted
completely. Strangely, me sipping my drink seems to get a reaction out of him,
his mouth turns down in lines of anger , disappointment or whatever, I tend to
ignore when people throw all this negativity at me. But I sip the icy drink
more now, it seems like the ice breaker. I guess I could be a satirist.
'Priya,
thanks for explaining', nothing else to say? That was a little anti-climactic.
Isn't he going to say what he thought of this? He is a sadistic, mean, jackass.
He actually smiles. I have never seen him smile. He is kind of beautiful when
he smiles. Okay, am I doing the right thing? Did anyone see that smile?
'Priya,
I hope you find out what you want to find out.' he offers his hand. Is it weird
that he uses my name in every sentence? I shake his hand. Phew, that went well.
'Shan
could drop you home, we sort of made you come with us', he looks sheepish, a little guilty for forcing me come.
Well, how did things turn around so much? Is he a good guy deep deep deep down?
Naa! A good guy might have apologized. We all know I am not someone who does things right, but still. More
importantly, do I want to spend the next half hour with both Karthik and Shan
in closed quarters? I am not a sadist, so I said no.
I
catch an auto and the auto seemed like an omen to announce some big change in
my life. I know it as soon as I get into the auto and replay my conversation
with Karthik in my mind again. I come to a decision, but will it work?
I
am home; I have just told my mother and father what I want. The discussion has
been going on for a very long time and not progressed anywhere.
'Priya,
is something happening in your life that you are not telling us? Why do you
want to do this?' this from my dad. My mom hasn't spoken anything for or
against, she had asked me pointed questions like why, what I planned to do and
all that.
'No dad. I am just trying to think and find out, that is it. My biggest problem is I
don't have anything big happening at all, and I don't even have plans to have
something big happen'.
'So
you want to move out? You will be living in the same city, but won't stay with
us? It is kind of ridiculous. Why do you want to stay away from us when you
need not?'
'I
am not sure if I want this permanently. Give me a year; I want to live alone
for a year. I want to know I can do it; I want to know what I want. Dad,
please. I don't know if I can explain. I just know that I cannot live with you
guys and grow up. You are a very big influence on me and I don't know myself'
'Why
are you talking like an old grown-up person? You just stopped
your marriage too you are really scaring me....'.
'No
dad. That is not really it. I have been doing what you guys expected of me for
all these years. I don't know what I expect of myself. I haven't got even one
part of my life that I am sure I wanted and worked towards it and done
something in it'
My
dad looks like he didn't get what I am telling him.
'But
Priya, why now? What will you do living alone? What will people say if you stay
in the same city but don't live with us? Have you thought about that?'
I
hadn't. I don't know what to say to that.
'If
I had got a job in a different place you would have sent me happily right?'
'Yes
of course. But that is not the case you..', I stop him.
'Think
of it as the same thing dad. I will come visit you every week. I will tell you
more than what I tell you now what happens in my life.'
'You
just won't be with us? I don't understand. That too a girl, I don't know why a
girl wants to live alone'.
I
just looked at him. As if I forget my gender every Tuesday. I look at my mom. I
thought my dad was easier to convince. Right.
She
finally decides to contribute to this conversation very concisely.
'Priya,
there was a time in my life when I wanted to try things out on my own. It was a
different time. Different generation. If you think it will help, you should
go.'
My
dad and I had identical expressions of shock on our faces. I was ready with a lot of points why this made sense and I control myself to not list them down. I go hug my mom and look pleadingly at my dad.
But
I know when I have the upper hand. I leave them to their arguments, my dad
shouting at my mom that she was mad and my mom telling him he was blind and
Priya needed to live her own life and the argument kept going. That was an unexpected show of support from my mom.
This one was anti-climactic too, are things really this easy?
I
go to my room. I call a couple of my friends who could help me find a place. My
mom comes to my room, just stands by the door and tells me this-
'I
hope you know what you are doing. I understand why you need to go away. But I
trust you to find something useful from this. I also want you to remember,
being independent doesn't mean you don't have to give up everyone else. It also doesn't mean you don't have to have discipline or limits.'
'Okay',
my very eloquent answer. She shakes her head and just leaves my room. One can
never find out what makes one's mother happy.
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