Episode 30

‘So, you have this group and you didn’t tell us?’, asks Charu. Charu is someone who sits opposite me at work. She is always with her friend Sindhu, like always. They are roommates, from the same small town, studied together and had a lot of history. I did spend time with them occasionally, but not really into all the things they did together. At work, I am more of an individual contributor and don’t really belong to a team. So, I don’t really work with anyone except Shan, who is my manager.

‘Yup, I found an event in facebook and got to know that this is hosted by a group in that site and I browsed it and I get a suggestion for groups near where I live and there you are’, says Sindhu.

‘Seeing it is yours, we both joined the group.’, they both smiled looking at each other.

‘Great. Welcome to BLANK’. Really? Welcome to BLANK?

‘We will be there at the next meet.’, declares Charu.

‘She wants to see this guy Aravind. He has posted some activity and this rave review. Just cool. She will be there at annny cost’, Sindhu totally reveals the truth.

I laugh.

‘Aravind is fine, you should meet Bala ’, I do a bit of match-making.

‘Is he the one in the pictures?’, Sindhu asks, all interested.

Do I tell them the pictures there right now on the home page are fake? Naaaa.

‘Nope. These guys weren’t there in the first meet, I will update the home page’

Wow, this seems like a lot of work! Seeing as I was still feeling emotionally all over the place, I did not visit my group’s site.

‘So you come up with that description? We are all more than what we get to do. Man.. you are so right, it just spoke to us!’, she goes on seeing me nod.

Ishitha, the jewelry maker is coming over tonight with ideas to make our home page better. Apparently, Anitha and she hit it off.

I already got invites to attend some concert from Bala, which I had to politely decline. I might have enjoyed it. It was a local concert by some band from Anna University.

But now I keep wondering if he is hitting on me. I really did not do anything impressive and I am not as striking a personality as Anitha. But, sometimes you never know. Damn Karthik for influencing me.

‘See ya, then? We need to go for the daily status meeting’, Sindhu says and starts moving, followed by Charu with a wave.

Ahhh, being an ind-contr meant I needn’t attend these long-ass status meetings. Sometimes life is good.

I look up and I catch Shan’s eye. He smirk-smiles as ever while he crosses my desk on the way to his. I smile back. That brings us back.

Men suck. When I made a mistake, did I let it rest? I called, I texted and I did what not to get Karthik to talk to me. It has been almost two days since the incident, but he hasn’t attempted to make contact of any form. Yep, men totally suck.

When you get that philosophical, there is only one place that gets you as you are. It is the ecard website. I waste company’s internet and search for ecards that reflect my mood. It is very soothing to know there are lot of people who went through this or worse.

My first share on facebook – ‘Men suck, Vodka doesn’t’. I have all my relatives in a different list and I block this post for them for obvious reasons. Whaddya know, four likes almost immediately.

The next one was extreme, funny, but right on target – ‘We had religious differences. He thought he was God. I didn’t agree’.

Then, even though I cannot listen songs on my company’s internet, as they wisely blocked these things, I go and share Maroon 5’s eternal song ‘This Love’, although the situation isn’t that extreme if I do say so myself.

There, that makes me feel slightly better.

I fix bugs, unit test them and run automation suites all the while listening to ‘This Love’ on a loop on my phone. Such is my dedication to work.

I head home in my shuttle. I see Anand and get reminded of the day Karthik acted all overgrown-ape-y when he saw me flirting with him, which I might or might not have. I give Anand a wide smile because I am still pissed off, I know it is immature, but mehh. He winks at me as he always does and turns away to talk to a guy.

I go home, refresh, drink Anitha’s healthy cucumber and lime water which isn’t chocolate but is very refreshing. I check my phone. Lot of people have expressed concerns over my ecard shares. There isn’t any communication from the accused though.

Anitha and Ishitha arrive in sometime.  

‘Are you alright?’, Anitha asks.

‘I am good!’

‘Religious difference? Really?’, she chuckles.

‘It was funny and also right’

‘What’s up?’, Ishitha asks. She doesn’t sound whiny today. Hmmm.

Anitha tells her the deal.

‘Really? Men suck’, she agrees.

She opens her sling bag and pulls out a small paper bag.

‘I brought you guys these’, she says and takes out two bracelets. They are quite unique actually. The bracelets are both wooden or something that looks like cane furniture? They are both mustard yellow in color and has these entwining wooden or cane things and there are two tiny wooden charms hanging from near the clasp.

‘Wow’, Anitha and I exclaim together.

‘I just made the bracelets. The charms I bought of a shop. I don’t have the equipment to make wooden things of that small a size’., Ishitha says, self-consciously.

The woman can whine and complain as much she wants if she is going to be giving me unique things like that.

‘You are really talented. What are you doing here?’, I ask.

‘I am just beginning and I take way too much time. Those took two whole days for me to make. I also have no idea how to price them. I have issues with the finish, doesn’t look professional always. I have issues with the sturdiness too. I made some earrings for a shop nearby and I felt like I was robbed. I lost interest after that. I was really looking for something and then saw your page.’

Wow. I feel some weird pinchy feel around my heart area and I suppress it.

‘You had mentioned things like wanting to do more, searching for the right path and not knowing the way. It felt like something I was going through. Your group description is very touching.’

Ummm.. Wow again.

‘Oh wow. We should pay you or something. You took two days for that?’, Anitha still sounds stunned.

‘Don’t be silly. I tried this kind of work for the first time. I will be faster in these from now on’

‘So about your home page. It isn’t very eye-catching. Very basic. If I hadn’t had patience, I would have skipped your page.’

That is how we got to work. I also realized I am damn lucky to have attracted someone talented but still lost in her own way. I could have got someone totally useless or completely lost or someone clueless.

At the end of the two hours, where Anitha and Ishitha took over and remodeled my page. It is no more my page, rather our page. I had chosen a basic layout with shades of grays and blues in it. Now it rocked a custom layout with shades of orange and peach and certain earthy shades and a kickass background which Ishitha made a collage out of in like half hour right in front of us. It was a mish-mash of a lot of things. There were drums, saxophones, trumpets, long chandelier earrings, champagne flutes, microphones, books, motor cycles, food, chocolates, birds, berries, cars, post-cards, cameras, coffee cups and a lot of such things. Anitha and I selected the individual pictures and Ishitha made the collage like a pro. We also learned that she studied digital media and works for an advertising firm in what she declares is a very boring job as someone who makes images and such.

‘This is brilliant’, I say the god’s honest truth.

‘Totally cool’, Anitha agrees.

‘Ya, it’s alright’, Ishitha attempts being humble.

We burst out laughing. ‘Dude, it is brilliant’, I reiterate.

‘We should change the name shouldn’t we?’, I ask them.

‘What? No. The name isn’t very it, but it is catchy in a negative-publicity kind of way’, Ishitha says.

Who would have thought?

‘Are you sure?’, Anitha asks.

‘I joined the group and so did others and we actually came for a meet. Duh!’

‘Okay, you have a point’, Anitha concedes.

‘You know what you should do for the next week? Make some of these pieces and put out a stall.’, I say, pointing at those bracelets.

‘Yup. You should. I will be objective and help you price them.’, Anitha offers.

‘Are you sure? I mean…’

‘I am very sure. There are at least two more people joining the next meet’, I say.

‘Trust us’, adds Anitha.  ‘Two more?’, she asks turning to me.

‘Yup. Colleagues, they said they are joining’

‘Cool’

After a lot of coaxing, Ishitha agrees.

We decide to do dinner together and that ended up being fun too. Anitha goes off to drop Ishitha to the nearby local railway station in her scooter. I ask her to buy chocolate, the dark variety. She gives me a look that says we need to talk. I nod at her.

I decide to clean my wardrobe and start at it. I leave a playlist of songs on Youtube and let it play. My speakers are blaring with heavy metal and hard rock and I dump all my clothes on my bed in the hopes of sorting and arranging. Anything to keep me from obsessing from a certain someone.

After what seems like a loooong time, my phone rings. I get up, pause the music and answer the phone hurriedly as it is ringing like it has plans to make me deaf.

‘Hello’, I say into the phone, I have worked up a sweat and am breathing slightly heavily from all the sorting and arranging. I have too many clothes.

‘Open the door’, says the voice I have been wanting to hear all day.

‘I am sorry?’

‘I have been ringing your door bell and banging on the door for a long time. Would you open the door?’, he sounds agitated. Well hello to you too.

‘What are you doing here?’

‘Priya, open the door.’

‘Why are you here?’

‘I can call Anitha and ask her to come. She has a key too’, he warns. Did I expect him to fall on his knees in front of my door and apologize and beg?

‘Try that. I am pretty sure she will ask you to buzz off’

I hear complete silence.

‘Please’, I finally hear this one word breathed, an almost whisper.

Well damn and shoot me.

I am a total sucker when it comes to him. If anything, I have learned that in the last forty odd hours.

I sigh, hang up. I walk to the door and look through the peep-hole. Karthik is standing right in front looking at the area where the lock is. He isn’t on his knees.

I open the door. Double damn.

The man looks good. Even at the end of the day his clothes aren’t wrinkled. His long legs encased in dark navy blue trousers, black leather shoes, a gray full-sleeved shirt with some sort of textured detail, cuffs of which he has folded high on his lower arms, his chin sporting a heavier shadow than normal, his eyes only slightly blood shot. The man is attractive and if I weren’t lying to myself, I would admit, he even looks sexy. I didn’t sleep all night day before and only a little yesterday. I am wearing almost threadbare pajama bottoms with the tee-shirt I have been wearing since I came back home and they don’t go together, as I donned the bottoms before I started to clean my wardrobe. My hair is dirty and matted as I didn’t wash it today in spite of it being a Monday and I had not even combed it before piling it into a knot and securing it with a huge clip. I am sweaty and I am pretty sure I look like shit. This is completely unfair. This just affirms my lean towards atheism.

He just walks in and stands near the couch, leaning on it. Hasn’t said a word though, but has been looking at me, his face closed up.

‘Why did you come here?’, I ask him having waited a few minutes for him to say something.

He doesn’t answer. What is he playing at? Since I couldn’t tolerate the silence and I had a lot on my mind, I commence with the blubbering.

‘These last forty odd hours have been very eye-opening. You know. I came away from my home for doing something else with my life. I got distracted once you came. My mom is right. I saw you, I fell for you and I forgot all else, I easily lose focus. I saw all the warning sings. I ignored it. It was always too good to be true wasn’t it? You have been bossy and controlling right from the beginning, but I didn’t mind it. I don’t think that is going to work anymore. And I’m telling you right now. I am not giving up on the group.’

Ishitha proved to me that this is a good thing.

‘It is a good thing even though it started on a whim. I will work for it. I don’t want to hear anything from you about it. I left my parents to change my life, my parents who would do just about anything for my happiness. I am not going to let someone who is supposed to be a partner and a friend to…’, my voice breaks, so I stop. Well, he sure would have got the point.

‘Anyways, so I am not going to give it up so that you can feel… So as long as that is clear, we can have this conversation’.

What conversation though? The man hasn’t opened his mouth and isn’t showing anything in his face or his body language. He is an engineer, did they teach etiquette-with-a-pissed-off-girl-friend in masters?

‘Deepika is married now, I told you that. I didn’t tell you what it really did to my head’.

Another Deepika story? Right. I am allll ears. I cross my arms on my chest, cock my hip to a side and give a belligerent stance to communicate all that I feel about him bringing up his ex, again.

‘I also told you about the girl I saw after her. There was basically nothing wrong with her. She was beautiful, very caring, sweet’

Shit. Too many damns. I have to hear this now?

‘But… but I just couldn’t trust her. I hurt her because I couldn’t get over what happened to me! I realize that now!’

I always thought Karthik was this perfect, strong person. Why didn’t I realize everyone has their own difficulties? Own history? Why did I just decide he is what he projects? He is strong and perfect. But he is not unscathed.

‘I thought my head was in the right place. I decided I would never do that to another person ever. You.. You are so trusting. I am doing that to you too’.

I wanted to go to him. I understand. His broken sentences suddenly make sense. Also his asshole-remarks. But that is neither here nor there. Also, he was admitting this to me while he never admitted this to himself before. I need to process that separately.

‘I turned back that day when I was about to leave to tell you once again that I didn’t mean it, I saw you prepare yourself to hear what I am going to say and only at that point did I realize that I did not just anger you, I hurt you’.

He certainly did.

‘I am measuring you with a different scale. I am seeing you through tinted glasses that are tainted by one past mistake. I…’

What he tells me is he, a strong man, did not handle being left at that time, the effect of which is to be borne by me. Well, that explains things, but doesn’t make it any better. My heart goes out to his twenty-five year old self. I wonder what he might have been if he hadn’t met her. The way his mind seems to work, he might have suppressed whatever betrayal or sense of losing his worth he felt at that time. That seems to be boiling out whenever he is in a similar situation. What am I going to do? I have no experience with these kind of things.

‘Bottom line, I couldn’t stand if you... Well, you are the first person I really have trusted since..’

Oh. My. God.

‘You told me you think, I am perfect. I am not.’

Crap. I have enabled his macho tendencies for way too long. I probably look at him like he is the best thing to walk the earth. I have put incredible pressure on him looking at him and treating him like he is a hero and can do no wrong. I have put him up on a pedestal and expected way too much from him.

‘Priya’, he calls out. His voice is shaky. Damn. Shit. Something is happening here. I know I am going to remember this moment even if I get dementia.

‘Say something?’, his voice is still shaky.

I move to him. I realize he isn’t going to come right out and say sorry. But if he is going to do this, I don’t really need the words. I stand right in front of him. His hands move to me, hesitantly but once they reach me they go around me with confidence.

He takes a deep breath.

‘I haven’t completely fucked up, have I?’, wow, sweetest of apologies.

I shake my head. I was a sucker for him when I thought he was it. Now that I know we are equals, partners, I am still a sucker though.

His head drops to mine and he kisses my nose.

He moves his head away to my right ear.

‘I am in love with you. I don’t think the words are enough. I can’t imagine not caring for you.’, he says.

This. Just. Happened.

‘You are perfect’, he goes on.

I shake my head. I speak, my voice coming out with a lot of air.

‘Karthik.’

‘Yes?’.

I need to say this soon, before he makes this all go away. I could live with it now, but it will definitely be in the back of my mind. I understand. But do I trust?

‘I understand. I do. But you promised. You promised you would not just stop talking and that you would speak it out and all that. But, you did it again. I am not exactly sure what to do about this. I want to forgive you, I do. But, what if this is how it is going to be? We have a fight on something serious and you walk away.’

I did read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus in my teen years. But screw that. I needed him to keep his promises.

‘I will do better Priya. Tell me what I should do to convince you’, he says, his voice has become neutral again. Seriously though, does he think it is that simple?

‘I need time Karthik. I need to deal with this on my own. You cannot convince me. I’m sorry.’

Karthik’s face readjusts itself to match his voice, totally unreadable. I don’t like it. But, I just can’t deal with it now.

‘You have to understand Karthik’, I say, and the stupid pleading note enters my voice. I suck!

He nods. He steps closer, drops his head to me and plants his lips on my forehead.

‘I get it. I am going to be around though.’, he declares.

How is that giving me time?

‘I need time. This won’t help’

‘Priya, you want to deal with the fact that I was not around when I should have been. How am I supposed to let you deal with that without being around?’

Shit. Convoluted male logic.

‘Umm..’

‘I will see you tomorrow’, he says.

I nod.

‘Bye Priya’, he says but still stands there. I nod again.

He sighs. Then squeezes my left upper arm with his hand and walks away. He told me he is in love with me, I wish he had chosen a better time. But is that really always enough, I mean does it make all problems disappear?

That went well! I walk back to my room and get even more depressed seeing my bed full of clothes. Whatever is still folded I put it back in the wardrobe. The others I dump it into chairs and fall onto my bed with the amazing realization that life sucks but still you gotta arrange your wardrobe.