Episode 36

‘We are meeting this weekend, there are four of us. You can join too you know. It will be fun.’, Bala says.

‘Wow, great. Let me see, I might join, I am not sure, but if I want to, I can join later right?’, I am keeping my calendar open.

‘Consider this an invitation open forever’, Bala says and smiles.

Karthik is at this moment, meeting with my father at my home, I mean, my parents’ place. I am at my place and have been freaking out with Anitha trying to divert me. Bala just stopped by to pick up a video recording of his performance as recorded by Anitha on her phone. He shares what a couple of his friends thought about the meet. They all had come with the impression that this would be a hanging out and getting together and another place to meet people kind of gig, especially girls. While all this was true, they also felt it was useful.

He had also met one violin player, two guitar players and one singer in the meet yesterday, who all wanted to meet up and play stuff and learn. He sounds very excited. Good for him.

‘Anitha, you can join too’, Bala extends the offer.

‘Naaa.. I am tone deaf’, she says, honest although disconnected.

‘One of my friends is very interested in you, he was pretty impressed. Any plans of dropping your boyfriend?’, he asks, a teasing note in his voice, probably trying to get her to connect.

I look at Anitha who smiles as expected, but not a very genuine smile, it is a forced one. Probably, he hit it a bit too close to truth.

‘You totally need an app or something. You should put this in some video hosting site and share it with people. It will be easy you know’, Bala says, moving on.

‘Yup, lot of people have suggested it. We will see after a couple more meets I guess’, I say.

‘You should probably put this in the group’s page and announce it, you know, invite people to come up with apps and choose one. You would not even have to do anything. There might be people who will be interested in just making an app that gets into the market and is in use.’, Bala goes on.

‘Oh wow. That isn’t a bad idea at all. WE will try this. Again, after a couple of meets.’, really a good idea, if we do get response.

‘Sure. You know what I like about this? Lot of ideas and people ready to implement those. This is so great!’

When put like that… I feel a little proud of this brain child of mine.

‘Okay, guys, see you soon then?’, Bala takes off, we don’t stop him. I have Karthik to obsess about, Anitha has her relationship to obsess about. We are much occupied.

‘Are you okay?’, I ask Anitha.

‘Nope. I am not. I met Jude today. He had come to see me.’

‘Jude?’, Anitha and I are roommates, but we aren’t share-all type. Okay, she isn’t the share-all type, I am an open book though.

Anitha stares into the space ahead for several seconds and I wonder if she even heard my question.

‘It’s a long story’, she says after I could complete one cycle of what-does-my-dad-want-with-Karthik in my head. So that is a long pause.

‘If you want to talk about it or him, you can. If you don’t want to, that is fine too’.

I am dead curious. I would probably sell a tiny bit of my soul to know her story. But, she doesn’t look like it is a fun trip down her memory lane.

She sighs. ‘It is not a happy story Pri. It is for later. Much later’, she says. Sad story. It involves a guy named Jude, who sounds like a complete hottie. Oh no. I can’t handle heartbreak right now.

‘Sure Anitha.’

‘I am going for a walk. I need to clear my head’, she says.

‘Okay. It isn’t entirely cool outside though’, I remind her. It is as humid as the insides of a boiling vat.

She just shrugs. Okay. It is not like I can’t keep myself occupied. We have already established I have obsessive tendencies when it comes to Karthik.

I have already left him messages reiterating how important it is that he starts the minute he gets out of my parents’ place and reaches here in the record time of twenty minutes.

I pick up a book to shut down my brain in the hopes of it working, again the book on “focus”. The book is full of bullshit really, I have attempted to focus on it, but not once have I been able to read past the Author’s note. Okay, one could argue that I haven’t even started the actual book so I couldn’t blame the book.

Yes, I hold such important internal dialogs. Life is a struggle, we all know it, this is just an empirical proof. Look at me, thinking empirical and all that.

Really though, what does my dad want with Karthik? What is he asking him? What are they talking about? How is it going? I chop an onion and a tomato thinking this. I make upma thinking this. I eat said not-so-bad upma thinking this. I take a bowl of curd and eat that too thinking this. I wash up vessels and clean up the kitchen thinking this. I take a mini-shower and change into cotton pajama shorts and tee thinking this.

Finally, after I decide to exfoliate my face and put on some face pack that Anitha is always asking me to, just to occupy myself, I get a text from Karthik that he will be here in fifteen. Since that meant excessive thinking for fifteen minutes, I go silently lie down on the bed and wait. I can’t take it anymore. After I have imagined all possible scenarios in my head, my door bell rings. I rush to open the door.

Karthik stands there, his face blank.

‘Hi’, I say, sounding edgy.

‘Hey’, he says, a smile skimming the blank surface. He comes into my house and walks straight to the couch and flops into it. I follow him. He picks the bottle of water on the coffee table and drinks huge gulps of water almost emptying it.

‘Come here?’, he says, pointing the spot next to him. I walk to him and sit on the spot.

I look at him. I am pretty sure I needn’t form the words to ask him so I don’t.

‘Your father, well, I want to be like him with my children’, my eyes widen. Did he say children? As in plural? He picks up my hand and turns me to him.

‘You should know he will look out for you no matter what’

‘Ya, I know.’

‘Your mother.. She is formidable’

‘Ya, she is’

He plays with my fingers, his fingers twining, and untwining, drawing circles on my palm, on my hand and so on.

‘Karthik?’, I prompt.

‘They just wanted to know, if I really mean it when I say I am serious and that I love you.’

‘Ohhh’

‘They wanted to know if I will stand by you’

‘Of course you will. Why did they…’

‘They wanted to know if I will stand by you, even if it meant standing against my parents or putting up with lifelong animosity or at the best few years of struggle between you, them and my parents’.

‘But, why…’

‘Last time when they met, my father did not separate on friendly terms, rather, not even on humanly terms. My father has a very short temper, I can imagine to what extent he might have gone.’

‘Ohhh…’, shit, shit, shit.

‘Your father wants to know if he made the sacrifice of talking to someone because of and for his daughter to someone whom he swore he would never have any connections with, whether it would really be worth it.’

‘Of course it’s worth it.’

‘Pri.. You don’t understand’

‘Yeah?’

‘For your parents to approach mine or mine to approach yours, it is a huge sacrifice. Have you ever gotten into a situation were not only did someone blame you for something you didn’t do, but also not gives you a chance to explain and to top it off, they insult you and you decided never to have anything to do with that person ever again?’

Hmmm.

‘What really happened?’

‘Well, I was angry right? When after the engagement…. Anyways, I was partly angry because my father was literally boiling and my father was boiling because he, well, he thought you ….. you were not that great to reject this..’

No surprise there, I almost thought that and my parents definitely thought that, even though I don’t think that anymore.

‘My father thought that too, I mean, I get it.. ‘, I shrug.

‘Yes, but your father wouldn’t say that to anyone except you’

True and uh oh. I sigh.

‘Okay, so what did you say?’

‘I told them I kind of expected this and that they can trust me to do the right thing and that my parents aren’t really the grudge-holding type.’

‘They aren’t?’

‘I don’t know really, I think so though, not much has happened for me to know whether my parents hold grudge or not.’

‘Okay, so you told this to my parents and they agreed?’

‘I paraphrased for you Pri’, he says, a smile playing on his lips for the first time since he came.

‘Karthik, come on, I want to know word for word’

Karthik turns towards me fully. He looks deep into my eyes.

‘What I told was how I feel about you, I told how I have come to realize I cannot imagine the rest of my life without you in it and how I would do most anything for you…. They got convinced.’

I swallow. I mean the look in his eyes… Does he look at me like that? Always or occasionally? Crap, this isn’t good, I might do anything for him if he kept looking at me like that, not a great sign if you ask me, also, he would do most anything for me? I have palpitations.

‘Are you convinced?’, he asks me.

I nod, I don’t trust myself to make intelligent response.

‘Your father asked when we can get married….’

Married? Already? I have just wrapped my head around actually thinking about a real long relationship with Karthik, and they want to make it permanent? Already?

‘Ummm…’

Karthik shakes his head.

‘I am guessing you want to push it as later as possible, right?’

‘I mean.. not really.. okay, yeah’

He chuckles.

‘I know, so I told them, that first I need to work on getting my parents to agree and then they can meet up and talk and decide and all that. I am sure my parents will take some time to come around.’

‘Thank you’, I tell him. He really does understand me. Not bad, not bad at all.

‘Wow, an actual thanks.’, he says, leans forward and plants a kiss on my forehead.

I would have liked to have heard exactly what he told my parents, but I don’t think I would know from him. In time, my mother might tell me.

‘It’s a vicious cycle isn’t it? If your father wasn’t that angry and because of it if you weren’t angry, you would never have come looking for me again and all this wouldn’t have happened.’

‘If only you hadn’t stopped the engagement at all…’

‘Hey, I thought you were happy I did..’

‘We might have been married already.. so…’

‘Hey, who knows how we might have been? I might have been this boring girl who went to work to pass the time and cooked for you every now and then and eventually like you a little more because of the virtue of living together and never realizing so many things about you because we might not have had that kind of relationship, I might have continued existing, planning occasional vacations, doing nothing else and getting used to monotonous routine and not feeling accomplished or as an individual entity at all, I might have been not just lost, I might have been this shell who doesn’t even know what is going on and I wouldn’t have been happy and wouldn’t have made you happy either…’

‘Wow! Really? You thought life with me would be that bad?’

‘Yup, definitely, not because of you, because I had to know how to live as myself’

Karthik pulls me to him at this point, as has become usual these days, I sit so close to him that a little more and I would have to get into his skin.

‘So, you know now?’

‘I am figuring out… and…’, I pause. I figured out a lot of things. There is one important thing I figured out which he probably should know.

‘And?’, he prompts, his breath on my ear.

‘Well.. I figured out one thing. I kinda have more than a vague idea about me now, but what I am absolutely clear about is that, I don’t really need you, I am my own person, I am not needy, you know that, I am comfortable with you around, my life is much better with you around, you might not be the focal point for me, but you enrich the whole experience, I don’t need you yes, but I want you. I don’t even want to imagine a life where you aren’t there to frown and say no to things I want to do but then understand and support me all the same.’

‘Pri…’, Karthik’s voice has gone totally soft, a slight shiver in it.

‘Oh my god Priya, you say such things… I…. ‘, he shakes his head. I pick up his hand and kiss his knuckles as it is easily reachable and my body irrationally wanted to do some kind of gesture.

‘Priya, what am I going to do with you?’

‘Why should you have to do anything with me?’

‘Because, I don’t know if I am ready to sign my life over to you but that is what I feel like doing, I mean metaphorically, of course’, he adds. I realize in spite of his experience in the romance department, this is somehow different for him as well. Glad to know it.

‘Well, you don’t need to sign anything over to me. But if you are going to, don’t you worry, I will give it back to you with something of my own added there’.

As metaphors went, I am not entirely sure what I just said, but it felt right.

Karthik chuckles and shifts us once again until we are facing each other, he opts to show rather than respond to my statement. I don’t complain.

******************************************************************************

‘When are you moving back in then?’, my father asks.

I was at their place, because I had to visit them after yesterday’s events. I had settled in, we had spoken and both my parents had declared their full support but wanted me to get married to Karthik as soon as possible. I refrained from making any statements in any direction regarding the last one. I had settled in with some snacks and was talking to them and out of nowhere my dad asks this.

My mom snorts. She obviously knows me better.

‘I am not moving back in dad’

‘But.. now everything is fine. You are going to marry Karthik, you just told me you are okay with work, you have that online group thing going on.. What more do you want?’

Well, for starters, I want more of these same things.

‘Let her be.. I don’t think she will move back in, anytime from now on.’, my mother says, sounding accepting but sad.

‘Umm.. I….’

‘I get it Pri ma. You are doing things you want to do. So when is the next meeting for your “BLANK” group?’, my mother asks, obviously diverting.

I look at my father. He looks slightly shocked.

‘Dad? What is it?’

‘I always thought you would come back in a few days. I never assumed this to be a permanent thing. Every time, more people get to know you moved out they always ask me what happened, as if something wrong must have happened. Many, who know only the partial truth assume it is because of the breaking of the engagement and that you are depressed. Your mother might be the modern thinker here and let you be, but I don’t like it that you don’t live here with us. I am not convinced you need to live away from home. I have been assuming that you will eventually realize that you cannot or need not and come back, a part of me even hoping that things would turn out not the way you want just so you would be back. I am not proud of it, but now I realize that it isn’t going to happen’.

I look to mom automatically, hoping she knows what to say.

She does.

‘Why do you think that? She is still our daughter. Even if she didn’t live by herself, if she was married she wouldn’t be here still. You should try to think from her perspective you know Ram? I know you are thinking things, but hasn’t Priya proved that she is capable of taking her own decisions and sticking to it?’

My dad listens quietly and nods, still unconvinced.

‘Dad…’, I begin to say something, but my mom puts a hand on my forearm stopping me.

For once I ignore her.

‘Dad, you always told me growing up that I could do anything I wanted to do. But you always used to subtly or not so subtly try to decide what I wanted to do.  I listened to you mostly, yes. You should stop doing that dad. You should want for me what I want or what makes me happy. I know you would argue back and say what makes you happy is me being here so I should move back in. You have seen life, I know you don’t want me out there because you are worried and if you could you would protect me from everything bad that could happen and you would have me not doing so many things on the side of caution. But, I want to do things my way now, I want to live things my way, I will of course come to you or mom for suggestions, advise and even encouragement. But, you have to know, I am doing this in the way I see is good for me. You with me dad?’, I say, all soft but confidently.

‘You are asking me to get out of your life, is that it?’

‘No, never that. You and mom have led me and closely watched me every step of the way, I have reached a place with you along the path but leading to a place where I need to go alone. It might be smooth, it might be great, it might be totally difficult, but that is my path. Do you get that?’

My father takes a deep breath as if to dissolve internal conflicts. I expected him to acknowledge my whole speech in some form. All he does is get up, look at us and say, ‘Okay, I need to water the plants’, and walks out.

Damn.

‘He will be fine. Don’t worry, we all have trouble letting go, sometimes we don’t but, manage not to act on it many a times.’, my mom says, her hand rubbing my back.

‘You too?’

‘Yes Pri. Of course. You are my only baby. I miss you every day. I know we talk over phone, you come by whenever you can, it isn’t the same. But I understand. I get what you feel. I won’t be the one standing in your way and I won’t be the one who will get my wish filled while you suffer through it. Remember this Priya, whatever may happen, be this way. Be who you are, do not give it away for anything or anyone.’

I hug my mother, ‘I miss you too mom and I miss dad a lot’.

‘Now, I have to say, Karthik is pretty impressive. No wonder you fell for him. I am glad he has mettle and a nice strong back bone. Those things are always good.’

‘Really? So what did he say to impress you so much?’, I ask.

‘Well, know that you are lucky to have found him. That boy would probably do anything for you. Such a fine man he is’.

‘What did he say mom?’, I try again.

She chuckles, but doesn’t say. Damn.